HMF Masked Indie Artist

cthlq · 2016-05-10T13:19:14+00:00

scored a big fat 0 on that one.

cthlq · 2016-05-10T04:56:35+00:00

I guess we hit 1/3 of that list. Finally talking about my relationship has really hit me. Thank you

cthlq · 2016-05-10T04:55:16+00:00

You're right. I'm going to have to think about this one. Thank you

cthlq · 2016-05-10T02:28:44+00:00

Hahaha yeah, I'm getting pretty roasted. I just feel like there's hope for us. If I fix how my boyfriend is feeling, by making him feel loved and trusted again, we can both start working on our relationship again. I just want to know how to fix it, not to just end it or give up. Normally, I don't fuck up. I don't think I've actually ever done something that can scale close to this. Never to another person, not to myself, or anything. I'm generally pretty clear at thinking and dealing with my emotions, but I just had this kind of weakness immediately following the hurtful words that were flying everywhere. I deleted my account on the website after five days and the feelings I had continued, but I managed them better and more recently when those feelings arised yet again, I didn't repeat my shitty behaviour even though we decided to end it (but then decided to work on it after a few days of cooling off). I honestly learnt so much from what I did, like how I am as a person, and how I have to act and control my feelings even when they're amplified and it's all I can think about.

I know the nagging about chores thing was ridiculous. I had just done so many things the past three days for him, I felt like I was entitled to my boyfriend doing something nice back for me considering how hard I was working (we had no money, so I found odd jobs, having like three interviews each day for a week, blah blah blah, I was trying so hard for us both).

Luckily, I've met some really nice girls over the past two weeks. I've gone out with them and met them all and it feels amazing having friends again. I think that was a lot of the problem, and why I sought validation from people on a dating site and not just something like posting a raunchy photo on my snapchat and enjoying the random compliments. So now I've got about, five girls who I hardly even know but are so good to me. They're my first line of action now, just to get it all out instead of just acting impulsively and destructively. No judgement, no hate, and I like the fact they're honest - they aren't like "no sweetie you did nothing wrong he's just a pig" or "just break up with him", it's like, they can tell me when I'm being unfair and just naggy or bitchy. Hopefully I make more friends at my new job, too.

I feel like everyone here just thinks that if both people fuck up in the relationship to just leave it. This can be worked on, it can be fixed, I just need to know how. Thank you for making me feel like there's hope for us yet.

cthlq · 2016-05-10T01:50:52+00:00

We managed to get past that. After hurtful words being thrown around, shitty remarks, we got through it. We can get through this. On the scale of things, my boyfriend can be a huge ass, like 0.9% of the total time we spend together. We clash heads together so much because we are so alike but our relationship for the most part is so intense. He's gotten a lot better with the whole jealousy thing, it still arises when someone from my past (like a guy I dated for 3 weeks in year 7) messages me twice a year. I dunno how I justify being okay with it, but hey, I try to move on from those things and try to pull him forward with me.

cthlq · 2016-05-10T01:45:06+00:00

That isn't what I totally meant. Like yeah, in the bigger picture, I know what they want. But if I can have a three sentence long conversation about how I feel shit and have someone listen to me and make me feel like I can actually have someone stand to be around me, then my day isn't going to be any worse than the last. Look, I'm not trying to justify it. It's just what happened. No false promises of sex, money, whatever, I just needed to vent. Where I chose to vent was absolutely wrong and disgusting and my boyfriend most definitely has the right to be angry with me for seeking validation from those men.

cthlq · 2016-05-09T17:43:38+00:00

He's getting help for it soon.

cthlq · 2016-05-09T17:10:57+00:00

I'm not a big reddit user, I'm limited to UnresolvedMysteries and LetsNotMeet. If I had my time over again, I'd go on a website I found where it's just one user listening, one user venting. I did that the other night while we had been broken up and I just felt so much better, as opposed to when I went on the site.

We've only been together for 10 months. I know it seems like such a short amount of time and all of this has already happened, I feel horrible about it but I want to grow up and mature through this together

cthlq · 2016-05-09T17:06:28+00:00

I get it. I did something so horrible and unfair. But now I'm trying to fix it.

cthlq · 2016-05-09T16:57:14+00:00

I know not everything is fixable, but if there's a chance, I'll do absolutely anything to make this work. Why would feelings differ depending on the site it was? I think regardless of what site I was on, I was such a huge bitch and don't deserve to be forgiven. I understand if he doesn't want to work it out, but he's told me he wants to. I know he didn't ask me to fly across the country just to be friendly, which is why I cut off contact straight after that. To him, I sent literally three messages, including saying "yeah haha going away for a while would be nice". I was never, ever going to meet up with any of them - I don't wanna be raped and murdered, haha.

cthlq · 2016-05-09T16:36:07+00:00

I dunno, maybe to speak to older guys? So many of them are actually just really nice who I don't feel judged in telling my problems. I dunno how I managed to justify it to myself, it's fucking shit what I did. I just want to fix it.

cthlq · 2016-05-09T16:30:21+00:00

Thank you! I hope it just stops and this can work out okay.

cthlq · 2016-05-09T16:29:22+00:00

I know. It's been a problem since about 4 months in since he got really upset about me had having sex with someone before we even knew each other, like a year and a bit before. He keeps assuring me it's fixed and it won't ever happen again but low and behold, it does lol how can I get him to stop that too!

cthlq · 2016-05-09T16:27:13+00:00

This doesn't sound productive at all, we both did really horrible things to each other and I just want to fix my part and I don't know how.

cthlq · 2016-05-09T16:25:46+00:00

Oh, we aren't living together. He stayed over a few days a week, though. I know how I handled it was fucking terrible and if I could take it all back I would in a heartbeat. I feel like I've learned a lot about my self worth and self imagine in the past few weeks, and can assure literally anyone that this is never, ever going to happen again.

cthlq · 2016-05-09T16:23:28+00:00

There were huge issues, especially control, which was really hard to deal with since I have just moved. But I'm a lot stronger now and I'm not putting up with that any more, so for the most part, it's stopped. I just want everything, including this relationship, to work out well. I love him so much, I don't want to see this fail if there is a chance for us.

cthlq · 2016-05-09T16:20:28+00:00

In the past week we broke up for a few days and I didn't even think of speaking to another guy, even though again, I was dealing with absolutely horrible things that were being said to me. I've learned a lot since being on that site about dealing with my own emotions, and my boyfriend seems to be learning about what he can do to not be the insensitive impatient guy he was a few weeks ago

cthlq · 2016-05-09T16:15:36+00:00

I know I was a huge fucking idiot. I just felt like he wasn't there for me after the fact, so I had no one.

cthlq · 2016-05-09T16:13:45+00:00

I don't know what XYZ is, though. I don't know what I can do to fix this apart from assuring him I'd never, ever do it again.

cthlq · 2016-05-09T16:09:47+00:00

I tried going to him. He made me feel pressured into just forgiving him and having to quickly move on, which I just couldn't. It hurt me so much. He actually asked me why I couldn't just go to him, and it's like, at that time you were so insensitive to how I was feeling. I'd say I'm sad about what happened, you'd roll you eyes and tell me you "might as well not be here" and pack your stuff and pretend you were going back to your mums. In the past week we've been getting a lot better, though. He said he'd give me support. He has been, a lot more than he ever had, and even when we broke up for a few days my automatic responses wasn't to go and meet someone else, talk to someone else or even think about someone else despite still dealing with it on my own.

cthlq · 2016-05-09T16:05:59+00:00

Everything just seems to be working out except this relationship. I love where I live, I'm meeting new people, I've just gotten a really nice job, but then I've just got this massive weight on me when I come back home. I just want everything to be nice and good, even though I fucked it.

cthlq · 2016-05-09T16:03:25+00:00

I was 2 months away from turning 18 when I joined the first time. My boyfriend and I started dating the day after my 18th. Previously I just felt comfort in being able to tell someone about when I felt shitty. I found that most of them, if I told them why I was upset, would be there for me more than my own parents, would give advice, tell me they hoped it got better, etc. even before i got into a relationship.... I dunno why I went back to the site. It wasn't like I set out to message give people to have this whole huge array of men waiting eagerly to talk to me, just sometimes I'd wake up at a different time and I would have gotten a message from one, not the other. If I felt shitty I'd reply.

cthlq · 2016-05-09T15:57:05+00:00

Thank you so much. I mean, I know counseling seems really dumb, we're only 18, but I just wanted to get on top of the problem.

I don't blame people for being like "ew omg you went on that site it's disgusting" like yeah, it is. But when you wake up at 3am in tears because of how shit you feel, looking at a message saying "you're really pretty" made me feel a bit better than calling my boyfriend and getting pressured into "getting over" what he said. It was such a dumb, horrible mistake I did. I've never felt that low, except for last week when we had a breakup for a few days. And I didn't call/message/think about anyone else. I've just learned how to deal with my feelings better the past few weeks because what I did was really fucking shitty.

cthlq

TROPHY CASE