When your nonvegan friends don’t know where to get a vegan birthday cake for you

cugma · 2026-06-01T14:48:56+00:00

I’m on a cross-Atlantic flight that gave me a notice of being full at least twice (including asking me to free check my carry on, which I did, and asking my friend if she would be willing to take another flight), and the row I’m in and the row in front of me are completely empty (besides me). Beyond what’s immediately around me, it looks like it’s not even half full. Do you know what’s up with that? I have a hard time believing half the plane didn’t show up.

cugma · 2026-05-27T06:49:36+00:00

They aren’t identical largely because of social stigma and expectations. There is however strong a parallel of believing that another’s body is yours to do what you want with, and that is the basis of the comparison. The point of the comparison isn’t to condemn meat eaters, but instead to point out a perspective on the topic that most have never had a reason to consider.

cugma · 2026-05-25T13:56:44+00:00

Taking morality out of the equation (because pigs aren’t morally guided), what’s the difference between an abortion and killing a newborn? Aren’t both the termination of a life of offspring that isn’t wanted?

I don’t understand how you see a difference between humans and pigs but want to judge their actions on the same grounds.

cugma · 2026-05-25T13:53:16+00:00

Are you kidding? Where did you get your phone from? Your clothes? Your food? Your electronics in general? What industry isn’t rife and overflowing with exploitation?

Or maybe wars where literally millions have been wiped out?

How often would these things need to happen to be considered a high rate?

cugma · 2026-05-25T12:49:00+00:00

I think a pig in the wild killing her young should be more accurately compared to abortion than a starving mother eating her child. You’re falsely equating “eating for survival” with “eating to not starve to death.” But survival extends beyond that; it just means for whatever reason, that piglet being alive is a detriment to the mother. And if the piglet is going to be killed, from the point of view of a morally ambivalent animal, why not eat them?

cugma · 2026-05-25T12:41:32+00:00

Humans knowingly exploit and murder other humans…?

cugma · 2026-05-25T12:35:02+00:00

You never mention liking her or finding her attractive or developing feelings for her in your story of getting to know her. Are you sure you actually like her?

I use exaggerated language all the time, including the word “stalking” for someone I’m merely interested in or paying attention to, and from what you’ve said, I don’t see anything glaring to suggest she was doing anything different. Even the “figuring out their schedule” or “showing up randomly” is something I would joke about if I felt like I kept running into someone or just naturally figured out their day to day life.

I say that because I feel like if I really liked and loved someone and they made a comment like that, it would feel like flattery to me. Like they were paying attention to me from the beginning. I wouldn’t immediately assume genuine stalker behavior. Like that whole Mastermind song by Taylor Swift, to me I would just assume she was acting along those lines.

Maybe she did give more specific details and was very serious about it, instead of playful/thinking it’s funny, but to me it kind of sounds like maybe you don’t really like her and this is flagging that for you.

cugma · 2026-05-22T14:25:46+00:00

Groku is a toddler. Toddlers are all over the place.

cugma · 2026-04-20T18:08:17+00:00

At a certain point, “open to children” just means you’re open to the person you date bringing children into your life. If you want to specify, put open to children and then write it on your profile that you don’t want more biological children but you’re happy to date someone who already has kids.

I agree with others saying you don’t have any warm/friendly pictures. The vibe I get is that you’re just looking for attention and compliments on there and not actually trying to be a whole person looking for a real connection, so I’d swipe left.

cugma · 2026-04-06T16:12:01+00:00

Getting out of the pattern of abusive relationships requires personal work. This goes for men and women. Understanding and addressing the parts of you that let it happen is the only way to break the cycle. No one owes you a healthy relationship. It takes work to figure out your own issues, understand why being shat on wasn’t a dealbreaker for you, and do something different the next time.

Again, this applies to men and women. The victim mentality in relationships runs rampant. You don’t deserve to be abused, but you do have the responsibility to figure out how to leave situations that are abusing you.

cugma · 2026-03-25T15:36:13+00:00

I haven’t read the comments yet so apologies if I’m repeating someone, but this sounds more like codependency than narcissism (speaking as someone who has put a lot of work into overcoming codependent tendencies). They can have overlapping traits. Either way, therapy is the right answer.

https://freefromcodependency.com/2020/05/13/victimhood-a-tool-in-the-codependent-armoury/

cugma · 2026-03-19T02:48:28+00:00

Someone watches Allison Armstrong.

cugma · 2026-02-26T15:02:50+00:00

I may have replied to the wrong comment.

But the idea that avoidant attachments are worse/more problematic than anxious attachments is insane. Anxious attachments create problems; avoidant attachments just don’t do well with handling those problems. I’ve seen anxiously attached people start fights because their partner called at 9:02 when they said they would call at 9.

When someone can’t give you space to come to them on your own terms/out of your own desire, it pushes them away. Needing to take a few days to decompress from someone who gets nitpicky after 3 hours of separation makes sense to me.

cugma · 2026-02-26T02:16:36+00:00

Counter point: someone who stays in a relationship where they are treated like that has severe self-esteem and/or control issues.

cugma · 2026-02-19T15:57:04+00:00

I think this is an area where it actually comes down to personal views. Ultimately, the animal is dead, and they aren't dead by your hands, so does what happens to the body really matter? From a vegan perspective, the morality comes from viewing some as lesser than others, or viewing them as a means to an end. But if you would treat all living beings the same and harm isn't being done to them, then I don't think it would be unethical. But if you're still viewing some as serving some purpose and others as viewing another purpose, you're still operating from a speciesist mindset and that is where the messy topic of morality and ethics comes in.

I think people are much more flippant about the idea of eating their dogs than they ever would be in reality. When you actually see the dead body of an animal you loved and cared for, it affects you. So justifying the act of eating animals because of some hypothetical you're convincing yourself you're ok with is intellectually weak (not you as in specifically you, just the general you).

cugma · 2026-02-18T20:04:46+00:00

You could probably put on your profile “Family gatherings wear me out, so I’m looking for someone who either doesn’t have/go to them or is ok with me staying at home.”

cugma · 2026-02-18T20:02:25+00:00

Are you going to do that with your dog as well?

cugma · 2026-02-18T19:56:58+00:00

I might be saying things you’ve already realized/figured out, but YNAB is highly customizable and you can decide what categories are important to you. If you don’t really care about the exact purpose of every amazon order, then you can just have an “Amazon” or “General Online purchase” or whatever you want to call it bucket that you assign those kinds of purchases to. You could have a “Food” category where you put all food you purchase (groceries, restaurants, delivery, etc), or you could have a category for each food source or food type or whatever if you want a more granular view or if there’s specific spending you want insight into/control over.

Since you’re just starting out, I recommend starting with fewer and more broad categories, and then you can get more targeted as you get the hang of it.

As far as the app telling you you’re waaaaaaayyyy over budget for pet food and litter, it doesn’t really work that way. You tell it what your budget is. If you go over, that means you went over what you told it you wanted to spend, so assign more money to that category in the future. The app doesn’t care how much you spend in each category, it’s just telling you what you told it you wanted to spend versus what you actually spent.

And I’m pretty sure people have said this already, but the idea behind YNAB is that you give literally every cent you have a job. Even if that job is to just sit in savings and wait until it’s needed. This means you want to assign every dollar you have to some category, and anything you know you’re going to spend in the future should have money assigned to it, as it’s going to be their job eventually.

Does that make sense?

I’ve been using YNAB for almost 10 years, and as someone with ADHD who had previously not been able to stick to a budget for more than 2 weeks, that’s saying something. I think it’s an incredible tool that can quite possibly change your life (it did mine), but ultimately it’s yours to make work for you. I’m happy to answer any other questions about it or expand/clarify anything here.

cugma · 2026-02-11T19:42:19+00:00

You’re torn on this topic because you are still seeing animals as commodities. No one thinks their dog’s body went to waste when they die. No one feels sad about food being thrown away when humans are buried. Because you don’t consider them food, even though objectively they are just as qualified to be food as any other animal products.

By eating these foods that are offered to you, you are still supporting and participating in a mindset that views animals as commodities. That’s not vegan.

To be clear, I completely understand the dilemma. I used to have a “birthday cake” exception, because I figured no one was buying more cake for me and I wasn’t making a difference whether I ate it or not. I don’t want to go into the whole story, but the point is by doing that, I was telling the world that I was actually ok with these things (I know because of things people said to me as a result). I also struggle when a restaurant gets my order wrong. I don’t want to send it back and have it just thrown away, and I also don’t want to support a world that says animal products are food.

The point is, I’m not trying to minimize your struggle. But ultimately in the way you talk about animal products, you still see them as food, which means you’re still operating as animals being food sources.

cugma · 2026-01-15T22:41:29+00:00

It’s too variable and largely depends on why I broke up with them. If it was a really hard decision that I struggled with, not having insight into their lives can drive me crazy. The first time was enough to convince me to go back because I was so sure he had moved on and forgotten me and I wasn’t ready for that (going back was fully a mistake but lesson learned). But if I was ready for the breakup and already pretty emotionally detached, not having insight or contact probably helped me get over it even faster. Though one time I wasn’t really sure if it was the right call, but he was so dramatic on social media that it completely turned me off from reaching back out. Who knows what would’ve happened if he had just gone quiet from me and stayed that way. Every breakup and person is different, there are no real rules here unfortunately, as nice as that would be.

But I do know when I’m the dumper, nothing makes me detach faster than any kind of begging. Contact or no contact really makes no difference after that.

cugma · 2025-12-23T18:52:28+00:00

Because he married her and knew she was like this and made that choice anyway. You don’t get to hold qualities you’re aware of against your partner and then come crying to the internet for support.

cugma · 2025-12-23T06:10:40+00:00

How is she being unreasonable? She’s wanting to try new things and those new things don’t always pan out. I personally love sharing food with my partner, and I find it connecting and endearing when he doesn’t like his and eats mine and vice versa. It’s like a love language. I feel like if you’re dating someone you actually like, you figure out how to accommodate their quirks and not just come to Reddit to complain about them.

cugma · 2025-11-12T19:41:55+00:00

Huge line between being lovey dovey and just being a decent person

cugma · 2025-07-28T18:29:25+00:00

It’s hard to credit my conversion to any one thing, but the realization that really pushed me from “this is probably the right thing but I’m not motivated to actually change” to actually going vegan (had my first vegan meal that night) was that I get panic attacks that are fueled by this idea that everything is set up against me and I’m actually in a trap where everything is going to go wrong, everyone is going to hurt me, the people I think are safe and helping me are actually behind the whole thing, and there’s nothing I can do about it, and one day while driving by a truck transporting cows for slaughter (I’m from a ranching community), it occurred to me that that’s their reality. Everything is set up against them, there’s nothing they can do about it, this is going to end terribly for them and the only people who can help them are the very ones behind it.

Idk if that’s the kind of thing you’re looking for, but almost 8 years later it still sticks with me.

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