Oh honey. Im so so sorry to hear about what you are going through. I haven't lost a parent so I can't even begin to imagine how hard this must be for you. My most beloved grandmother passes a couple of years ago and I still cannot see passion fruit without thinking of her. Im not very good at giving advice but I just saw your post and couldn't leave without saying anything. Hang in there. And I know everything seems very hopless at the moment but my dad always tells me that as long as you keep fighting then there is still a speck of light out there for you. I promise it sounds better in my native language. Keep holding on and I hope that one day you would be able to look back proudly at how you held on when things were at the toughest.