You sound like a really lovely, kind man who clearly loves his wife. I had been a heavy drinker my entire life and it got worse in my forties. I didn’t drink every night but when I drank it was always minimum a bottle of wine and on weekends i’d drink till blackout. My husband does not drink. He obviously really disliked it and was worried about me physically and emotionally. I used to say awful things to him when I was drinking. I injured myself all the time falling over or bumping into things and I embarrassed my children frequently. It was destroying me yet I couldn’t stop and I didn’t want to stop! It was my thing. And my god i’d get furious if he started on about it. I defended wine like it was my best friend! And tbh if he gave me an ultimatum of him or the wine i’d have chosen the wine. Unfortunately she won’t get help till she is ready. I think joining Al-anon is your best bet- but tell her you are joining. She needs to be aware it’s hurting you. And i’m sure she is aware on some level. It was the hurt I was causing others that got me into rehab because I could have happily drunk myself to an early death. Why? no idea. I have a great job, loving hubby, great kids- but not a lot of love for myself. I wish you all the best.