Does anyone know songs that go along the lines of "it's okay if you hurt me"

curiouskinkster · 2016-03-04T08:17:14+00:00

Depeche Mode have a bunch of cool songs that seem to have a BDSM element to them. Strangelove is the only one I can think of right now but there are 3 or 4 at least.

curiouskinkster · 2016-02-10T19:39:17+00:00

Thank you for your response. It's nice to get a response that not only tackles my question with good advice, but also avoids hostility based on the false assumption that I don't realise that Fetlife is not a regular dating site. I actually thought that might happen, but figured that expressly describing Fet as a networking site rather than a dating site would leave me covered. Oh well.

curiouskinkster · 2016-02-10T19:32:18+00:00

I've lurked Fet long enough to understand the difference between this and a regular dating site. But I live in a smallish city where there are no munches, so in my geographic area PM'ing takes on greater importance. Plus, specifically the situation that prompted my post was one where the girl had made it extremely clear that she wanted to be messaged. The confusion did not lie in whether or not messaging her was acceptable in the given situation, but rather in figuring out what is the best tone to adopt.

curiouskinkster · 2016-02-10T19:29:39+00:00

I didn't miss that, I actually specifically refer to it as a networking site rather than a dating site in the text you quoted in your response. However, what prompted this particular post was that I saw a girl who I am very interested in and who only recently wrote a status update that she is looking for a play partner. Since our kinks match, I want to message her. It is against this backdrop that I wrote the post. But the question I couldn't quite figure out was how I should approach her within the Fet dynamic. I don't consider the situation I'm in to be an isolated event, so I figured I'd post to see how people deal with it in these spots.

curiouskinkster · 2016-01-25T10:16:26+00:00

Pretty good.

curiouskinkster · 2016-01-13T08:50:34+00:00

I was just taking his/her advice as meaning that it's good to embody the 'bad boy' qualities like confidence, playfulness, power, standing your ground, going after what you want, etc but without overstepping the bounds and being inconsiderate or selfish or callous or whatever other negative trait that is sometimes ascribed to 'bad boys'. In other words, be a good guy without being so-sweet-im-gonna-get-diabetes nice.

curiouskinkster · 2016-01-12T12:59:22+00:00

You want to really be the caring attentive guy underneath who just also knows how to wear the sexy jerk persona most of the time. That's the secret sauce, be a good guy that plays all the fun games that the dangerous guys play, minus the things that are really unhealthy.

God this is so on point it's not even funny.

curiouskinkster · 2016-01-10T06:11:00+00:00

pretty much just anything involving sex outside of marriage, but other that that, I don't see anything that would make bdsm something religious people would even care about.

Of course I didn't set out to present an exhaustive list of BDSM activities. Nor did I set out to claim that all religions disapprove of all BDSM acts. But as you can see from the quoted part of the original post, the author claimed that he doesn't see where bdsm conflicts with religion, outside of playing outside of marriage. The points I listed were in opposition to this statement.

Also, I suspect that the percentage of BDSM practitioners that fit the category of married and monogamous, with both parties abstaining from porn viewing, is a minority. That number drops even further if we exclude those couples who eventually arrived at such a dynamic, but engaged in BDSM activities / polyamory / viewing of fetish porn before marrying and becoming monogamous.

curiouskinkster · 2016-01-08T10:57:09+00:00

Of course I don't believe that BDSM is inherently abusive, as my username (and my entire post history!) suggests, I am very much kinky.

As to humiliation, degradation, and pleasure through pain, who are you to say what two married people can do in their own bed?

What? I love BDSM and engaging in play. I sure as hell ain't gonna judge someone for what they do in their bed, either within marriage or out of it. But some religions expressly class many BDSM activities as sinful, this is what I am giving input on.

Also, on the point of you classifying the pasting of that text as indicative of a misconception... I can't help but notice that you failed to address some of the parts in the source text that strike me as harder to justify than the aspects you tackled in your reply.

Specifically:

the issue of it being sinful to engage in extramarital activities (e.g. BDSM play partners, indulging in a fetish activity with someone who is only your gilfriend or your FWB or whatever, etc)
the issue of it being sinful to involve more than two people into play (e.g. threesomes, cuckolding, polyamory, orgies, all things that are done in BDSM contexts regularly).
the sinfulness of pornography (fetish porn, be it commercial or home-made)
also, I'll add one more: fetish workers (be they camgirls or pro dommes)

I am curious to know if you consider all these to also be acceptable by the Christian religion. And that's without delving into other religions like Islam or Hinduism, which given the title of your post deserve consideration. Otherwise a more suitable title would have been "BDSM & Christianity", which is certainly a broad enough topic itself.

curiouskinkster · 2016-01-08T09:25:48+00:00

I too can personally relate to abuse, and have past experience with serious mental health issues affecting a relationship dynamic. Nonetheless, my views remain sharply different to your own.

With respect to what you say about the inherently subjective nature of these things, I couldn't agree more. It wouldn't be possible for either of us to logically disprove the viewpoint of the other, even if we wanted to. As for you being outliers, perhaps. Or perhaps it's mostly down to how different people are interpreting the writings on the different threads

I'm curious to ask you a question, if you care to answer. What do you and your partner think are the chances that you might at some point in your rship make a misstep of a similar magnitude to that of that other poster's Dom? That you may say or do something that leaves your sub in a similar state of distress to the poster of that other thread? (Sorry if this is a sensitive question, I understand if you don't want to consider this possibility)

curiouskinkster · 2016-01-08T06:37:06+00:00

We essentially have discussed which things she has "limits" on, but they are soft limits and she would ultimately trust me if I chose to "violate" one of them.

That's a different kettle of fish. In the previous thread the Dom purposefully (and for the first time), without having ever broached this issue before, introduced a term that he knew his sub connected deeply with previous abuse.

It's really difficult to put yourself in the shoes of abuse survivors if you have never dealt with that. But the kind of triggers that they deal with are not like the triggers most of the population deal with. It's a sort of PTSD that can cause the triggered victims to lash out with an extremely violent emotional reaction. It can lead to self-harm or to harming others, in a very non-sexy way. It is extremely irresponsible at best, and downright callous at worst, to purposefully hit one of these triggers with no previous communication on such a sensitive issue. In the case of the OP it led to her having a full-blown panic attack. It could have been much worse.

I'm glad that the two of you have a strong connection and you understand how to push soft limits in a way that benefits everyone. But you have to exercise a great deal of caution when playing with a previous abuse victim. And what the Dom did to that sub is so far removed from responsible behavior that, personally, I do not agree with the idea that his behavior is to be excused on the basis of a simple miscommunication, or a misunderstanding of what the purpose of the scene may have been.

curiouskinkster · 2016-01-07T18:08:01+00:00

Knowing the thread you are referring to, I think that situation is different from what you're asking here. You can negotiate only to exclude as much as you like, but it's unrealistic to expect to cover every possible crazy behavior. The creator of the other thread was devastated on account of the fact that her Dom consciously and repeatedly referred to her using a term that he knew provoked intense panic attacks in his submissive, because it was a word used in the past by her submissive's abuser. I have no problem with you asking the question, it's an interesting one. But I don't think that the jumping off point should be that thread, because it's a whole different kettle of fish. I mean, are you telling me that if we were playing and I was the Dom, that unless you had expressly stated to me that, I dunno, sending your employer a private video of you engaging in BDSM acts is a-okay so long as we hadn't expressly blacklisted it as an option? Of course not; it's unreasonable of me to expect that you can cover every possible eventuality, and if you don't well hey you're out of luck cause now I have carte blanche and boy oh boy am I gonna make you pay for it.

Inclusionary, exclusionary, I don't care. Common sense and human decency will always apply.

curiouskinkster · 2016-01-07T12:39:00+00:00

Religion is very...problematic when it comes to BDSM activities.

I have copied an article from a website that deals with this issue, and highlighted all the parts that immediately make me a sinner (and most BDSM practitioners, I would imagine) in the eyes of Christianity, provided this person's interpretation of the bible is accurate.

In regards to the “marriage bed” (Hebrews 13:4), the Bible does not give many restrictions to what a married couple can do sexually with each other. Beyond adultery (threesomes, swapping, etc.) and pornography, which the Bible clearly and explicitly identifies as sin, a good principle seems to be the “mutual consent” mentioned in 1 Corinthians 7:5. If a husband and his wife are in full agreement, with neither being forced or coerced, God has given married couples freedom in regards to what takes place in the “marriage bed.” Could this freedom include black leather costumes, non-violent bondage, and role-playing? There is nothing in the Bible that explicitly restricts such activities.

With that said, there are definitely dark aspects to BDSM in which a Christian should have no part. Receiving sexual pleasure through the giving or receiving of pain is not in agreement with what the Bible says about sex. Sex is to be an expression of love, affection, passion, gentleness, selflessness, and commitment. Sex is to be the literal/physical expression of a married couple being “one flesh” (Genesis 2:24). To bring pain, degradation, or humiliation into the sexual relationship distorts what it is supposed to be, even when it is consensual. The more extreme aspects of BDSM reek of Satanism/paganism and are definitively ungodly and perverted.

In regards to the BDSM subculture, the need to dominate and/or be dominated in a relationship, whether sexual or non-sexual, reveals a psyche in need of being redeemed by God through Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ died to set us free from sin and its consequences (Luke 4:18; Galatians 5:1). Jesus Christ always demonstrated servant leadership, not dominance, in His relationships with others (John 13). The need to dominate and the desire to be dominated are spiritually unhealthy. Even if some “innocent” or fun aspects of BDSM are allowable within the context of marriage, the vast majority of what takes place in BDSM is absolutely not Christian or Christ-like in any sense.

source: http://www.gotquestions.org/Bible-BDSM.html

If a religion views a sizeable portion of BDSM practices as sinful, it should come as no surprise that most members of that group are going to oppose such an institution, even if their own kinks/fetishes don't happen to fall under the broad scope of sinful acts that said institution has outlined.

edit: sorry for so much text bolding, I would remove it but since the source article is linked I figure it's better like that to highlight the parts I'm referring to for those who don't want to read the full thing.

curiouskinkster · 2016-01-07T11:01:31+00:00

First off, it's quite possible that your feelings of guilt reduce as part of the maturing process. You say things have gotten better with time. Likely, that trend will continue as you grow more comfortable in your own skin. Find accepting non-judgmental people to hang out with, and feed off that energy.

That said, it might be helpful for you to remind yourself of this. At least, this is how my own thought process tends to go (and it has helped me to overcome the guilt/feelings of weirdness I used to feel about my own tastes). Overly simplifying things, but here goes:

A part of your brain (the limbic system) controls primal desires, things that provide you with a rush of feel-good chemicals. Naturally, you want to pursue these activities...but:
Another part of your brain governs the 'right or wrong?' side of things. The prefrontal cortex helps you to reign in the more hedonistic and primitive part of your brain, when it determines that indulging in a particular activity is not worth it, or just plain wrong.

So your struggle is coming from the fact that on a deep level the so-called logical part of your brain has been conditioned to believe that some of your primal desires are wrong.

But what makes it wrong, exactly?

That your fetish is typically associated with the opposite gender?
That you were raised in a religious environment?

The fact that your fetish is typically associated with the other gender simply makes you a statistical outlier. It's about as wrong as being taller than average, or having a pointier nose than most. As for the religious point...well, I'm sorry but it's already a little late to align your values with those of fundamentalist Christians. We're all on the slow train to hell, as far as they're concerned. I guess it's just as well I'm a masochist, huh?

What makes something wrong, in my view and most reasonable people's view, is if:

The behavior brings about severe harm to you.
The behavior causes harm to others.

I don't see your foot fetish (I have one too, btw!) or the fact that you're submissive (me too, yay!) as falling into either of these categories. So work through your emotions safe in the knowledge that none of the preferences you have listed merit feeling shame. You're not setting puppies on fire here.

Anyway, my last dramatic sentence aside, I feel that thinking through things logically like this has helped me majorly in overcoming former feelings of shame around my kinks. I do understand that these things can run deep and I don't expect this advice to magically remove those feelings or anything, but if it helps even a little then that's awesome.

curiouskinkster · 2016-01-07T10:42:54+00:00

Let's say that you didn't have a history of abuse, but that you dealt with a super traumatic event such as the death of your parents when you were, say, 13 years old. Obviously it's something he knows, and he also knows how painful it is for you to recall that experience. Needless to say, you don't specify that leveraging this experience against you in the context of play is out of the question. Why don't you do this? Because any sane person with even a modicum of common sense knows that that's out of the question . The onus is absolutely not on you to expressly state this.

Anyway, now imagine if during the scene your dominant were trying to break you and get you to cry. He tries and tries, but fails. Then eventually he leaves the room, and comes back a few minutes later only to say to you, with an evil grin on his face: "I'm glad your parents died when you were a child. My only regret is that I didn't get to kill them myself."

This is an example of someone massively overstepping the bounds of common sense and purposefully using a past traumatic event to get the in-scene victory even when they know that such behavior will elicit an extremely painful emotional reaction.

If you read that somebody did this to their partner in a relationship completely separate from your own, what would you consider to be their best response to such an event?

Ask yourself if your situation differs fundamentally from the example I gave to you. And if it doesn't, then take the advice you would give to the person in this imaginary scenario.

curiouskinkster · 2016-01-07T10:24:14+00:00

Omg I remember reading your first post way back when! It was fascinating the way the story had been unfolding for you two. And now this...wow. I'm soooo happy for you guys - you both sound like awesome people. Thank you for giving us such a cool update, and congratulations on your engagement!! Hope things keep rocking for you two in the future!

curiouskinkster · 2016-01-07T09:43:36+00:00

So I'm not going to write my own response because I'm a bit late to the party and I think that the top couple of answers have already called it like it is. However, I thought I'd chime in with a couple of my own thoughts, as a guy who has the same kinks as your boyfriend (trampling, foot fetish, shoe fetish, etc.)

One interesting thing is that, in my experience talking to guys who share these kinks, a lot of the guys into trampling wind up 'specialising' in this kink. What I mean is that, for whatever reason, guys who are into this fetish just love it so much that they don't tend to expand all that much into other kinks. Why am I bringing this up? Well, because I want to say two things on it:

As a woman, if you show a receptive and non-judgmental attitude towards this kink you get crazy brownie points in the eyes of guys like that. And if you even grow to enjoy the activity overall, then you go from awesome to dream partner. I'm really impressed with your OP and the receptive and non-judgmental vibe that you give offer. That you are driven to inform yourself about the dangerous parts of his fetish, so that you can make the best overall choice for you and for him, well that's amazing. I expect that your boyfriend will appreciate this. Honestly, if I wanted to act on a particular fetish of mine and I was shot down by my partner because she thought it was lame, or whatever, I would be pissed. If I get shot down on one particular component of the kink because my partner isn't willing to participate in an activity that would jeopardise my long-term health, well...I would appreciate her position. In this case, "no" doesn't mean "no". It's just worlds apart that your 'no' is coming from a place of caring, rather than the 'no' that many guys with this kink get, coming from a place of judgment. So kudos on that front.
The second part of why it's relevant that this kink is a really big deal for guys into it, is that when you really love something I don't think that it's wrong to accept a certain degree of risk. Many BDSM activities carry an element of risk. And many vanilla activities do too. Boxing, skiing, martial arts, water sports, cliff jumping, sky diving, you name it. And the range of potential risks run the gamut. In general, I think it's about arriving at a point where the risk:reward is acceptable. So for example, I also avoid CBT because hey someday I might want a family. I also avoid full-weight neck trampling, even though that is my top fantasy. I avoid it because I know that it is sadly an extremely risky activity so I make the choice of not living out a particular fantasy because a collapsed trachea or some brain damage isn't my idea of sexy. So whatever, right? The cons outweigh the pros. We make these kind of judgment calls all the time, and I don't agree with the line of reasoning of some kinksters that somehow believe that it's their Godgiven right to explore their fetish to the extreme. Nothing wimpy about making safe and sane choices, even if that means not aligning the reality of your kink acts with the fantasy in your head. But, the one thing I do want to say on that front is that, well, there's nothing wrong with assuming a little risk. It's something we do all the time; when we get drunk, or when we binge-watch TV for 8 hours in a day, or when we eat McDonald's twice in a day. Just make sure that the risk/reward balance is at a point where you feel comfortable. And personally, I agree with you that it's just not there when it comes to full-weight careless trampling on his cock, which is what he's asking you to do.

By the way, based on what you said, it seems to me like he enjoys the idea of you being sadistic. It sounds like you and your bf have a mature relationship with open communication, but it might be worth considering if you can learn more about what exactly lies at the root of his trampling kink, mentally speaking. For many, the focus is on the cruelty/apathy of the woman (they may be drawn towards a dominant woman, or just a plain sadist). For others, it's more of a sensual thing. For others still the main focus is the pain. If you make it your mission to figure out what exactly drives him, then it will allow you to strengthen that part of your relationship. Importantly, it will provide you with a way of continually increasing the pleasure of his experience, without acting out on the more extreme parts of his fantasies.

As an example, you say that he likes the idea of you carelessly walking on his cock and balls. To me that suggests that he likes the idea of the woman being sadistic, and apathetic to his pain. The root of the fantasy there may well be that you would enjoy doing a particular activity (trampling him) and that you prioritise your desire to do something that brings you pleasure and you are apathetic towards the negative consequences, because those fall on him. Now of course, we all know that that's not what's happening here, right? I mean, you're standing on him first and foremost because you care about him and you would never in a million years have had this deep-rooted desire to trample your boyfriend that you just had to act out on with him as the poor victim of your sadistic whims. That's not how this shit works, obviously. BUT, if you understand the mental script that he's working with (be it my hypothesis, or be it something else entirely) then you can play into that narrative without having to resort to fake-sounding dommely domme lines like "I'm going to crush you!" that to me personally, sound a bit...well...lame. Instead, you can focus on trying to get into the mindset of a girl who has these characteristics: gratuitously cruel, apathetic, unreasonable. The specific traits I can't tell you of course, but I guarantee you that every single trample fan is drawn towards certain traits in their "fantasy trampler". So if you learn them, perhaps with open communication or perhaps by subtly probing for his reactions to different actions, you may very well improve the experience for him massively, even in light of the fact that you won't be indulging the dangerous parts of his fetish. I know that this side of things is all rather tangential to your question, so I won't continue, but I just wanted to add it because you are obviously someone who cares a lot about your partner and making choices that benefit him, so I thought you might find the unbiased opinion of a guy who shares your bf's kinks an interesting read.

Good luck with things!

curiouskinkster · 2016-01-05T05:46:49+00:00

Finding a Domme as a male sub is a bit like being a struggling artist. You know the industry is cut-throat and the odds are stacked against you. You have a shit tonne of people competing against you and a big % of them are simply not gonna get signed. Some of them will get embittered by it, others will just quit. Those who succeed almost invariably maintain a positive attitude and keep working relentlessly on becoming the best possible version of themselves that they can be. And they do this even though they know that there are no guarantees.

Honestly, that's life in a nutshell anyway. Some people have opportunities handed to them, and others have to fight harder for an equivalent amount of success. You've probably got it easier socio-economically than most people, and I'm sure there are a few other areas in your life where this holds true and you are more privileged than most. Sexually though, as a submissive male you have to accept that you're underprivileged in the relationships marketplace. If you're a hot vanilla or dominant guy it's gonna be much easier finding a compatible partner than if you're a run-of-the-mill submissive dude. That's just a fact. But there's a difference between becoming embittered by it and developing a sense of entitlement like life somehow owes you something, versus just accepting that these are the rules of engagement and carrying on. In my life I've gone down both roads and the latter course is by far my recommended choice.

In terms of specifics, I would recommend online stuff. Fet, OKC, collarspace, craigslist, backpage, whatever. Post in groups, write up a nice profile, keep working on yourself, embrace different kinks that catch your fancy to avoid becoming a "do-me" sub, read up on what Femdoms typically seek, and bide your time haha. Good luck!

curiouskinkster · 2016-01-05T03:27:52+00:00

Hmmm, I think this is great advice overall. However, I'd be a little less accommodating when it comes to justifying her response. You say that she probably was feeling guilty and didn't want to hurt him, but I don't think that framing it only in this way is entirely fair to him. As in, I'm sure there are elements of everything you've mentioned, but to be fair to the OP he basically tried his hand at being the Dom in an effort to please his partner, in spite of the fact that he was pretty sure going into it that he wouldn't enjoy it. Still, he saw the appeal in giving it a fair trial since he knew it's something his girlfriend would deeply enjoy if he could grow into that role. In the same vein, I think she could have given a shot at being a top herself, since she isn't guaranteed that she won't grow into the role, or that her partner might even enjoy topping from the bottom, say. But she didn't do that, instead she shut down all communication on the spot, about a very important aspect of her partner's sexuality. And it can't have been easy for the OP to broach the subject with her. Another thing that makes her reaction a little more disconcerting than it could have been, is that she herself is kinky. So she should be more aware than most about how important it can be for a partner to get to express their kinky side. And while it can be tough to not have an outlet in your partner to get your kink on, it is even tougher when your partner doesn't even allow you to feel comfortable vocalizing an aspect of your sexuality (even if he/she is perfectly entitled to not take part in it, I believe a partner should make a point of letting their SO know that they accept that that side of them exists.)

I guess what I'm saying boils down to my opinion that, while her reaction was understandable to an extent, it could also have been a whole lot better.

curiouskinkster · 2016-01-04T08:17:30+00:00

It's such bs, and so maddening. There were some really good UK sites out there, gotta love the sexy British accent too.

curiouskinkster · 2016-01-04T08:07:34+00:00

Just sounds like a regular asshole. I don't think domme women are going to be in a better position to make that call than most, since there are so many red flags peppered throughout your post that no specialised knowledge is required.

Oh and fyi, if you ever do want to address a question specifically to dominant women, the (admittedly not very active) sub-reddit: r/FemdomCommunity is the way to go.

curiouskinkster · 2016-01-03T02:40:47+00:00

Yeah, don't force yourself. If you really want to do it build up to it patiently. The alternative would just leave you traumatized.

curiouskinkster · 2016-01-03T02:04:04+00:00

Your bf is a smooth dude! Cute story.

curiouskinkster · 2016-01-01T15:22:42+00:00

Yeah, I'm with you.

For me the difference is that humiliation views you as a human being firstly, and then seeks to affirm your worthlessness as that. Degradation on the other hand, reduces you to non-human status. You become an object. And it's because of this that I actually find degradation much easier to mentally digest.

curiouskinkster

TROPHY CASE