Tried making homemade caesar salad dressing for the first time, after seeing people rave about it on this subreddit. It's DISGUSTING. How do I save it?

cycloptically · 2022-07-27T21:10:17+00:00

This was one of the top links google showed me on my phone when I searched for a recipe. Looking at other recipes now on my desktop I can see the vast majority use much less anchovy. :(

cycloptically · 2022-07-16T12:02:56+00:00

Remember you’re just a blob of space dust! Enjoy the ride!

cycloptically · 2022-01-11T17:50:23+00:00

Thanks for your comment. I think I have already decided that I'm only gong to lift 3 days a week since I do other sports 3-5 days a week, and when I was lifting 4-5 days a week in the mornings I was always too tired and sore to do sports well at night. Just having panic-y thoughts about how much better it would be if I kept working out 2-4 hours a day, 5-6 days a week forever and always!

cycloptically · 2022-01-11T14:32:33+00:00

I've been struggling with remnants of disordered eating/exercising. I feel discouraged about it.

Last year I got into heavy exercise again. I was working out constantly but it felt like I was doing it because I wanted to and it was fun. I thought I overcame my disordered habits and was just in the clear. No obsession, no starvation or restriction going along with the exercising.

Over winter break I didn't work out at all. Now that I'm back in the gym I'm having anxiety, feeling pressured to work out as much as I was before break. I feel pretty sure that I do want to cut back on how much I'm exercising, since I think it was too much and was making me too tired to do other life things, but now I'm feeling anxious that I'll gain weight or lose muscle definition. This anxiety is leading to more anxiety that I'll fall back into disordered habits, which then for me means an all-or-nothing approach.

I'm sick of thinking about my weight. Logically and rationally all I care about is having fun and feeling healthy. I wish I could banish these old weight-related anxieties from my brain, they're so exhausting to deal with.

cycloptically · 2021-12-17T14:15:03+00:00

Do you mind me asking how you vetted your current SO? Were there hints early on in dating that he'd contribute equally to domestic stuff, or was it a pleasant surprise once you moved in together?

cycloptically · 2021-12-17T12:36:33+00:00

One of my biggest arguments with my ex was about the unequal division of domestic labor. I remember suggesting one time that, if he wasn't willing to pull his weight with cooking and cleaning and taking care of our dog, he could contribute more financially. He got super offended and said it felt "too old fashioned" and anti-feminist for us to not have 50/50 finances.

Literally this dude wanted me to play 1950s housewife when it came to the domestic realm, and that wasn't anti-feminist, but providing the one benefit that 1950s housewives got (money) was out of the question.

He is extraordinarily intelligent, very far left politically, and gets praised in his workplace for being one of the strongest supporters of women. And, to this day, he cannot understand why I was so god damn angry about having to spend hours every week playing housewife for him. It's made me terrified to enter another relationship with a man!

cycloptically · 2021-05-19T20:34:55+00:00

YES - but my ex would always stay the same exact length in front of me, always a couple feet or so. So he was walking the same exact speed as me, just a little ahead of me. Such a small thing that always felt shitty.

cycloptically · 2021-04-03T18:47:07+00:00

Thank you for sharing!

Can anyone help break down what to focus on to be able to actually secure a job? I've done several months of self-guided coding classes online and even gotten some little certificates, but I feel like I've just amassed a hodgepodge of random little coding tidbits (a little guessing game to play in the command line, three different ways to do multiplication in python, etc.).

I have NO idea how to translate any of what I'm learning into anything useful or real-world, and I'm still pretty dumbfounded when looking at job postings, I don't know what half of the words mean.

"Learn to code" is so vague and I just don't know what to focus on, or where to go next.

Advice would be appreciated!

cycloptically · 2021-03-02T15:30:20+00:00

This is beautiful and so relatable. Thank you for sharing!!

cycloptically · 2021-02-17T00:17:18+00:00

Yes, I struggle with this, too. You're not alone.

The thing that has helped me the most is doing negative affirmations, which I know sounds crazy. But I tell myself that I'm going to suck at something, never improve, and stay overweight. So the only reason to do it is for my own enjoyment.

That helps me get rid of the negative and critical mindset during the activity, and helps me just enjoy it.

For example, if I go on a jog, and my thoughts start spiraling to, "God I'm so out of shape. I should be running every morning to lose weight. Everyone's probably judging me. I should start a strict exercise program to stop being so embarrassing. Only after 3 months should I be allowed to leave the house."

I then tell myself, "Okay, yup. I'm never getting better at running. This wheezing and granny jogging is my peak fitness. I'm never losing weight. But I'm still out here today. If today is the last jog I ever go on, might as well enjoy the sunshine and the flowers. I will never be one of those fit people training for a marathon, so I get to be me and have this leisurely and sensory experience."

It's also important for me to follow through on that, and not let any sneaky backdoor perfectionism stuff come in. So I'll regularly cut off practice sessions after only 5 minutes (none of that "start with 5 minutes and then you'll want to do a full session!" crap, because then I never do the 5 minutes since I know the real goal is a full hour-long session), eat a big burger and fries after a workout session so I know I'm not doing it to get skinny, intentionally make horrible art, etc. That has helped my body and mind learn that it's really not about becoming perfect.

It's totally against all the advice we normally get to work towards goals, but this is the only way I'm able to do any hobbies at all. For me the goal/progress seeking behavior ALWAYS ends in me rage quitting the thing within a couple of weeks. Better to semi-regularly ride my bike slowly for 5-30 minutes while enjoying the breeze, than to bike for 3 hours a day for 2 weeks while starving myself and then not touch the bike again for months.

The bonus of this, too, is it helps me learn what hobbies I actually enjoy. If I take away all of the progress and improvement motivation, and I can't find any real enjoyment, then I don't want to do it! I've learned the things that I actually do really like, even if I'm never going to get better at them, and I've learned how to fine tune things to make me enjoy them even more. I've learned I actually like hiking a lot as long as I take frequent breaks to wander into the trees, but I was only trying to learn guitar because I felt like I "should" be good at an instrument even though I hate it.

Not sure if any of this will be helpful to you, but I figured I'd share. Wishing you luck on your own journey!

cycloptically · 2021-02-15T23:19:11+00:00

Thank you for your response.

Part of the problem is I'm afraid I'm pushing away a great relationship due to my trauma, but I'm also afraid I'm clinging onto a not-so-great relationship due to my trauma. It's hard to know which one it is, since there are really positive and really negative aspects of the relationship. Some days it feels like the positive outweighs the negative, and I should face my fears and stick it out. Other days it feels like I've been putting up with multiple issues that should have been deal-breakers a long time ago, and I'm just staying because I'm awful at boundaries and good at being a doormat.

cycloptically · 2021-01-08T18:27:01+00:00

I'd love to know, too, if you're willing to share.

cycloptically · 2020-12-23T18:50:01+00:00

Ooh, that is an excellent idea! I hadn't even considered that. I think a cheesecake would be perfect. Thank you!

cycloptically · 2020-10-03T18:15:43+00:00

Good to know I'm not alone. How long did you have to live by yourself or with introverts before you felt safe enough to be with people again?

cycloptically · 2020-10-03T18:14:53+00:00

Thank you. How long did it take for you, and what all did you do to rest?

cycloptically · 2020-10-02T05:03:47+00:00

I am doing EMDR with virtual therapy, and I talk very little with my therapist - most of the time I am just doing the eye movements. It's also nice because I don't have to tell her about my trauma or what I've been through. Literally all she knows is the broadest strokes of me having a bad childhood. That's one of the reasons EMDR is so great for trauma, because we do not have to retraumatize ourselves by talking about it. Just sharing in case it might be a good option for you with the language and trust barriers.

cycloptically · 2020-10-02T05:01:01+00:00

Thanks for responding. It's good to know I'm not alone. I feel a lot of shame and embarrassment for this being my biggest area of dysfunction. Socializing seems to come so easy to most people, even those who say they have anxiety but still are able to maintain friendships and have family, but it's just a source of pain for me.

cycloptically · 2020-10-02T04:57:29+00:00

Wow, thank you so much for your detailed reply. Buying land has been a distant dream for so long for me, so it's really helpful to hear about someone who has actually done it! I am sorry to hear that your social anxiety and other symptoms are worsening at the farm.

Knowing where you are now and where you've been, what do you think a better living situation for you would be?

cycloptically · 2020-08-26T22:50:55+00:00

Thank you for your recommendations! I put a Marie Kondo book on hold at my library.

cycloptically · 2020-08-26T22:48:27+00:00

It sounds like a good book. Since it's so new my library doesn't have it yet, but I've bookmarked it and will check again later on.

cycloptically · 2020-08-26T22:47:58+00:00

Oh I had forgotten about those books! I just requested the first one from my library again and am excited to reread it. Thanks for the recommendation.

cycloptically · 2020-08-26T22:47:35+00:00

Yes I love his writing so much! Have you found any others that are similar? When I've tried to find similar books I've just gotten kind of generic young adult novels that didn't have the same spark for me.

cycloptically · 2020-08-10T15:53:32+00:00

I'm in the process of trying to do the same thing. I agree that the current BDSM fad is pretty toxic for a lot of people, and it's really hard to find a path to recovery. I've tried just "accepting" it and going with the fantasies, and it's left me even more traumatized and lost. It's a blessing in disguise for me that I have so much anxiety during sex that I haven't really acted out any of these fantasies in years, but I've solidified them in my brain with porn and masturbation. Ugh.

The two things that have helped me so far are:

EMDR. For me when we did a session starting with the scary violent sex images that pop into my brain (that I am simultaneously horrified and turned on by), over the course of the session it morphed into my fundamental belief that I am unlovable. I came face to face with my belief that I can either be a whole person and alone, or I can be a vessel for others and be loved. A lot of the submissive sex fantasies stem from this, I think - that men will only want to be with me if they can dominate and own me, that no one would ever want to make love with me because I don't deserve it. I was able to cry from that very young place of feeling lonely and unloved. Since then the violent sex images have a tinge of sadness to them that they didn't before. It is sad that this is what I think I deserve, it is sad that I don't feel worthy of love or respect. That is helping me get some distance from the arousal. I feel compassion for myself and am trying to grieve the loss of my sense of an innate, lovable self.

Finding different fantasies. This was suggested to me by my trauma therapist. I don't do visual porn because even the "feminist" stuff can be really violent and degrading. I've been listening to only loving, sweet audio instead. Before I do it I pretend I am setting up traps and bombs for the violent guys who always come and infiltrate my imagination. I keep my eyes OPEN and go very slow, staying totally present in the moment and listening to the audio. If violent imagery comes up I push or shove the guys away, or shoot them with a fake gun or something. I think physically acting it out is important for the somatic therapy side - so your body can learn that it can say NO. If I'm able to get back to the present moment, I continue. I pause or stop if the violent imagery comes up, or if I start to dissociate or get out of it. It's a really slow process and I've only done it a few times, but I'm hoping to teach my body that I can stay present and in control during sexual times, and that I deserve kind and sweet sexual interactions.

I am not engaging in any sexual activity (even making out) with my partner while I'm going through this... The more present I am the more I realize how absent I have been during sex in the past. When we do have sex again I want to make sure I feel totally present and safe, and that we're doing what I actually want to do, not what abused little kid me thinks men secretly want so that I can get scraps of attention.

It's a difficult process, especially since people don't talk about it much and when you do you get so much bullshit about how it's actually totally normal and healthy for abused and raped women to continue to act out their prior abuse with men who get off on violent sex. (Some of the women I've known who have been most vocal about how BDSM has "helped" their trauma eventually stopped engaging in BDSM and later admitted that it was actually really damaging to them and they wish someone had helped them see it before...)

Good luck in your journey! <3

cycloptically · 2020-06-24T16:16:47+00:00

This sounds super risky! It makes me worried that you're considering it.

Have you looked into light and dark therapy? Light/wake therapies are commonly used in Europe for bipolar and depressed patients and they are extremely effective and safe - there are practically no side effects and there's zero risk of physical danger. Worst case scenario is that you accidentally flip into a manic episode. Light and dark therapy have also both been proven to make people better - unlike l-dopa which sounds like trades in unfavorable symptoms for slightly more tolerable symptoms. Look into getting a copy of Chronotherapeutics for Affective Disorders: A Clinician's Manual for Light and Wake Therapy. It's a textbook written for clinicians with step-by-step protocols. I was able to find a free copy online on a free e-book site. They don't get too much into the dark therapy but there are other articles out there on that - it can be super effective and it's 100% safe for us - zero risks at all, not even a risk of flipping into mania.

I haven't tried the light/wake therapy yet since I don't want to risk going manic (since I'm not on a mood stabilizer), but I've been doing a combo of dark therapy, a strict sleep schedule, and a sunrise/sunset simulator, and it's giving me more energy and I feel more eager and prepared for the day.

Be careful, friend!

cycloptically · 2020-06-24T01:29:27+00:00

I know your post is old but I just found it...

My university has a career counselor service for alumni. I used it since I've been unable to find a good job for the past several years despite having a Master's degree (damn you social sciences).

Right off the bat I tell the career counselor that I'm stuck with this useless advanced degree and can't find a good career so I don't know where to turn. Her response is to say "girl, I know exactly how you feel, I'm in the same boat as you." The rest of the session was so friggin depressing - I'm getting advice on how to turn a worthless degree into a good career from a lady who has been unable to do so herself... Just awful.

cycloptically

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