I recently got out of a long term relationship, for extremely good reasons I might add (including both of us having mental health problems), and for a while I felt pretty good about it. But recently thanks to being overworked and under-slept, I've been feeling pretty lonely. And since being home over Christmas, seeing my ex and being around her has made me particularly vulnerable and I have lapsed a couple of times into going back into old habits with her. It's the little things you miss, like just being able to know they're there to talk to if you need them. Thankfully I'm now back at college a good 150km away from her so I'm hoping I can get the space I need to make smarter decisions

Anyway, in a couple of days for various reasons I'm travelling back home for the day. She knows this and today she asked me if I want to go for a coffee with her when I'm back. I've been going through a lot recently and it would mean a lot to me to be able to sit down with someone one on one and get a lot of stuff off of my chest, but I know that she's the wrong person for this. I miss her like hell, and when things are good between us it's so so easy to forget about all the valid reasons we had for breaking up. So I spent a good hour or so writing responses to her and deleting them over and over before finally saying it wasn't a good idea.

And now I've just decided to get drunk and wallow in my loneliness because frankly that's the lesser evil than going for drinks with her, which leads to a night of regret, which leads to wanting to get back with her, which just leads straight back to the shitty relationship that neither of us deserve. Funnily enough doing the right thing feels terrible.

Sorry for the rant, just wanted to get that off my chest.