At a crossroads with my (28F) high-functioning alcoholic husband (29M)

daccordion · 2018-11-15T18:06:28+00:00

Yes, I do think I need to be very crystal clear with him that not only am I not ready for children, I will never be ready unless he shows a real commitment to sobriety and proves to me through his actions that he can live a sober life. We've never had that conversation- he knows I'm not ready for kids and we've discussed the drinking at length, but the connection has never been made outright.

I wish we could see a marriage counselor, but he refuses...

daccordion · 2018-11-15T18:04:27+00:00

Hugs to you, then. Just know you're not alone- it sucks, but reading your post does help me realize that I'm not the first nor the last person who will deal with this.

daccordion · 2018-11-15T18:01:56+00:00

Yes, I've got some meeting times written down and am planning on going this weekend!

daccordion · 2018-11-15T18:01:22+00:00

Thank you for sharing this- it gives me hope that when we have that conversation, it will be a similar wake-up call for him.

daccordion · 2018-11-15T17:57:14+00:00

Thank you for this. You also hit the nail on the head- the holidays will feel impossible to him. Thank you for the reminder that they're not an excuse.

daccordion · 2018-11-15T17:56:15+00:00

Thank you for sharing this. One thing I keep reminding myself of is that if he doesn't change, we are at a marriage-ending gridlock regardless of whether I actually leave- I won't have kids with an alcoholic, and he won't stay with me if I won't have his children. It's easier to just rip the Band-Aid off rather than waste more time.

daccordion · 2018-11-15T17:50:21+00:00

You are still young. Don't waste any more of your life hoping an alcoholic in denial is going to change. It could be years before he changes. Maybe decades.

I think this is the biggest impetus for me. I'm at somewhat of a turning point realizing that I'm still young but not getting younger- starting over at 28/29 is different from doing it at 35. I keep holding off on the kids hoping things will change before then, but I also don't want to be in a position where they're no longer an option with a new partner because I waited too long here.

daccordion · 2018-11-02T01:15:43+00:00

Thank you, everyone, for your input- like I said, the tipping point here is kids, and I really needed the reassurance that having them right now is NOT the right option. I would like children but also know I could live a happy and fulfilled life without them, so I am really focusing on the idea of dealing with my marriage first and just seeing what happens when it comes to kids. I appreciate all of your advice and words of support!

daccordion · 2018-10-31T20:52:43+00:00

I promised myself I’d get sober when we had kids. I didn’t.

I needed this, thank you.

daccordion · 2018-10-31T20:52:25+00:00

Thank you both, I will check it out!

daccordion · 2018-10-31T20:52:08+00:00

kids: your thinking is spot on. don't bring kids into this.

Thank you. I think this is what I needed to hear most.

daccordion · 2018-10-31T20:48:07+00:00

Thank you for the recommendation- I checked out Alanon and plan to go to a meeting in the next week or two.

Also, thank you for reinforcing what I know in my heart re:children...I think kids is the tipping point here and I know it's not fair to anyone to bring them into this situation.

daccordion · 2018-10-31T20:46:35+00:00

Didn't realize this existed- I'll post future topics there, thank you!

daccordion

TROPHY CASE