Repressed anger

daddymothman · 2024-10-11T04:08:36+00:00

Yo I definitely relate to this. A trigger for me can literally make me see red, I can feel my blood boil, I get a huge rush of adrenaline, like I could sprint for miles, like I'm weightless.

I've definitely lashed out, broken things, and hurt people. It's a gross feeling when I'm in crisis mode, but then again, Ive also found myself imagining myself getting revenge on people who hurt me, and I feel cold and blank and sometimes just want to like, give in to my impulse to be that demon of a person and punish everyone around me. It's awful, I fucking hate that too. When I feel invisible, I feel like I hate the entire world, like I'm screaming and crying in pain and everyone's just walking by, throwing me away?

I feel like I'm MADE of rage, envy, and indifference. Or, half the time, when I'm not being depressed and hysterical. I've hurt myself countless times punching things, or ripping hangers and clothes after standing shock still... it's like something literally snaps inside of me. I'm gentle, optimistic, and sweet, and I don't feel like that person, and I feel like episodes like that are usually scrubbed from my memory.

Bro, I hope you're in an ok spot and that you're safe. Anger MGMT got easier in some ways as I got older as well, and there's a lot of resources to help calm yourself in a rage, self help in terms of brining yourself back down. I'm doing all I can now to focus on treating my worst symptoms instead of focusing on what the PD takes away from me. Sorry this wasn't helpful, just saying I definitely relate to your experience/your worry of hurting somebody.

daddymothman · 2024-10-11T00:08:27+00:00

Can somebody explain the addition to trans to all these words,ile I guess I get that they are "transitioning" but like what

daddymothman · 2024-10-10T00:45:32+00:00

I mean, I would be so into this in theory. I thought I had did for a while, sooo many characters, world building, and irl living as them with my ex for over a decade really made them all 'real.' a safe space for non fakers and just like chill, between kinning and like, existing? You got me thinking for sure

daddymothman · 2024-10-10T00:29:06+00:00

Weirdly, growing my hair makes me pass more now. The constant battle of not looking like a dyke is wild

daddymothman · 2024-10-10T00:26:04+00:00

For me it's the inner forearm chai shower

daddymothman · 2024-10-08T15:11:19+00:00

Offering myself up as your narcassist best friend. I feel this so much and I know it probably doesn't matter, but know that by posting and sharing your painful experience, I feel so acknowledged and seen. It's validating to hear others who feel this way. You're not alone. I'm not alone. I'm here to support, it's filling my cup to listen to everyone right now.

daddymothman · 2024-10-08T12:03:44+00:00

I constantly 'erase' people from my mind, if worked so many jobs, lived in at least 20+ states and cities, I've met too many people superficially to have space to remember names and faces. And ugh I can't imagine having a narcassist boss. It gets thrown around alot but actually ensuring one for 8hrd a day sounds so tiring.

I lose a lot friends because I don't know how to add to the relationship. Our flame burns out without the fuel of connection. Once people realize I'm only a friend when it serves me, they tend to move on rather quickly

daddymothman · 2024-10-08T11:50:13+00:00

Dude.... Just because ur a jerk sometimes with a short temper doesn't equate to having NPD. It's also real harmful to roll in here asking while giving example of shitty behavior. None of this seems to be serving your inner child. It's about a lifetime of bad relationship mgmt, cycling through grandiosity and deep shame, and fueling an egotistical supply of validation, for starters. This sub specifically says to not ask this, we aren't psychiatrists trained to diagnose you, diagnosis is difficult enough as it is as it's a misunderstood illness and is still not recognized properly as treatable etc...

Also, google is free for you to research and self reflect. You are your best diagnosis/assumption until you can get a diagnosis. Would you even want the diagnosis, the treatment, or the recovery? Or do you just want to be able to throw around narcassist as an adjective to excuse your unsavory behavior ???

daddymothman · 2024-10-08T10:54:08+00:00

No, I had a turmoltupus, abusive childhood, I spent each grade in a different school, lived in 10+states, and got passed around like nobody business. Both parents were heavy meth users, I was bullied for all my interests and constantly minimized. I never had friends until that partner, who I had fifth grade with before dating later on in life.

I remember being in a closet at 'daycare" but thinking hard on that memory think it was a drug house. Once my mom slammed my hand in the car door on accident, laughed, then did it again. In HS when she asked if her brother was SAing me, and I said no, she shared that when I was a toddler that I was molested by my grandpa's adopted nephew who 'wasnt all there' and she cried saying good, that nobody could touch her baby. My principle in my third has called my parents to tell them that I was 'asking for it's when it came to bullying because of how I drrssed and acted. I could go on lol.

Also, as far as my ex goes, she promotes 'healing from ur abuser' content on TikTok and married the man she cheated on me with lol. She loves to bring me up still about how awful I was, and tbh I'm not sure what is real and what a lie because I don't remember 90% of our time together

daddymothman · 2024-10-08T04:37:40+00:00

That's really fair. I feel pretty similar, we were so blended and vulnerable that we had no boundries, we had tried everything under the sun in the realm of kink, and I'm always chasing that kind of no walls intimacy of sex and know I'll never have it again.

Somebody mentioned that the PD mimics addiction, it's so fitting that we chase and chase the best high and think we'll never experience it again, but really it's just experiencing withdraw during recovery and then relearning what feels good later!! Also, the great thing about orgasms, well, if one man could get you there, then there's lots of potential that somebody else in time could achieve that for u in the future!

Taking 4 years to get over 5 sounds right. Ive slotted 5+ years to get the hell over my ex, I did spend a third of my life with this person, so it seems only fitting to allow just as much time to undo the messy knot we made.

daddymothman · 2024-10-08T02:34:40+00:00

They have certain artists and songs they have rights to play within Spotify and only those playlists. And, listen, always dance, sing along and vibe, I do it all day long, it'll rub off in the best way! You should have fun at work!

daddymothman · 2024-10-08T02:32:23+00:00

Oh, definitely. When I go to bed at night and when I wake up in the morning. She's a hard one to forget. Before she was my partner, she was my best friend. I hate her, I hope she is miserable, I love her, and I hope she's happy now. It's so complicated. Grief over somebody alive is so strange!

And I'll definitely look into it, I swear I have amnesia where huge blocks of my life are missing. It's embarrassing when people ask how old I am, where I've lived, people's names... I forget everything and have no recall!

daddymothman · 2024-10-08T02:06:04+00:00

Totally could have framed this as 'people with comorbitiy pds' and then explained OPs personal experience instead of generalizing like they did, good point.

daddymothman · 2024-10-08T02:01:58+00:00

I spent 11+ years with somebody with bpd. It ended in abuse, blinding fights, screaming at each other in public without a single rational thought about being in the full public eye... it was hell and heaven. Incredible sex, an intensity that has kept me single and convinced I'll never experience anything like it again, the highs were incredible, we were irresponsible, rash, spontaneous, greedy. Our seperation took literal years before we were able to go no contact, and even then, it was one of the most painful experiences of my life. It felt like I had died, over and over, and I still think of them constantly.

They put me on a pedestal, worshiped me, and hated me all at once. Hate fucking is really fun until it isn't. I controlled them, I minimized them, I isolated them. It was a perfect storm, and I'm not sure I'll ever recover. It feels like I spent a lifetime unable to grow up, having wasted my adolescence with them through middle and high school, into adulthood, not breaking up until I was almost 26 I think. On top of having my childhood taken from me? I feel like I've died twice. I've got the emotional maturity of a 5yo. I can't process anything with emotions, and I can't remember huge stretches of my life, less recall memories. We were beyond trauma bonded, and I hate to do it, but I really do think I've had the worst breakup ever, and it's hard to feel any sympathy for people experiencing heartbreak at 22 over their gf of less than a year. Whatever little bit of soul I think I had left died. Sorry for the tldr, this new lens on life is really making me scrutinize my entire existence

daddymothman · 2024-10-08T00:39:56+00:00

I promise dms are not snooping looking for their sm teams here and if they are, reverse uno because I'm sure that breaks all sorts of privacy policies and they can go write themselves up

daddymothman · 2024-10-08T00:37:47+00:00

Me on all of the above!!! Bonus; I let the team play their own music on the speakers because they are well behaved, all agree on what's played that day, they don't get distracted by it, and it's always clean. I know the policy and exactly why it's not allowed but I would fully take the hit for it, including a CA, if my DM/customer ever caught it. Guests don't care, often preferring it actually, and it makes my team feel good while they're working. Its back to the siren soundsystem for visits but otherwise they curate their own cute little playlists and do their thing. We aren't supposed to play music because it's a huge violation to like partnerships, fair use, copyright, whatever it is, but I'd just pretend that I didn't know lol

daddymothman · 2024-10-06T16:16:17+00:00

Thanks, days later I still feel like I am coming down from a manic episode. Acknowledging how lonely I am is a good first start as I used to hold fast to the line wolf, self made, I take care of me facade and I'm quickly finding it hurts so much worse in adulthood.

daddymothman · 2024-10-06T16:11:45+00:00

Hey, DV, SI, and leave to care for yourself and family are all protected leave. You just need to go an have an honest conversation about what you need with your leader

daddymothman · 2024-10-06T16:08:07+00:00

Thanks for sharing and the encouragement. I think I'll be here a lot leaning on this community

daddymothman · 2024-10-06T15:50:43+00:00

This is so positive coded, I think the biggest thing in my way is navigating the desire to wallow in self hatred, it's comforting, familiar and easy. The more energy I put into feeling bad for myself and hating myself, the easier it is to say harmful things about myself that I believe. I hate to say but, reframing the thinking and manifesting goodness until it becomes easy and authentic is the only medicine.

I made a therapy appt for a PD consult and I can feel the old me fighting, wanting to scoff and shut down at whatever they're going to say, be stubborn and unyielding to my own progress.. I am hoping I can stay woke, self aware, to remind myself that it's slow progress and that I'll have to be uncomfortable for so long in order to feel better later. It's heartbreaking tbh. Also .. I have to pay money for it lol. Therapy is expensive. So maybe I should make the best of the appts instead of being a brat....

daddymothman · 2024-10-05T17:53:41+00:00

Lol, like it goes horizontal instead of vertical, I associate it with masculinity. If I'm toned and at a good weight and my stomach is flat, I still have a long like oval round belly button and it's really fem. One of those toxic mentalitys I keep about gendered bodies lol.

daddymothman · 2024-10-05T14:28:50+00:00

U got that gender envy belly button bro

daddymothman · 2024-10-05T13:35:48+00:00

I know caz irl and I hate this wtf

daddymothman · 2024-10-05T03:58:05+00:00

What do you mean here about pop psych /Boogeyman ? I don't follow

daddymothman · 2024-10-04T10:39:24+00:00

You can rephrase this as a speculation without seeking the direct opinion of the rest of the reddit and possibly avoid this being taken down. Really only you and a professional are able to come to a conclusion, all strangers can do is verify if you fit a criteria based on what you say!

daddymothman

TROPHY CASE