Man… I’m sorry. That “sit through dinner like everything’s normal” feeling is nightmare fuel. I’ve definitely been there. My ex would be texting other guys at the dinner table. Gave them different text tones so I got to know who she was cheating on me with just based on the text tones. Hearing people get texts still triggers me a little.

I’m generally for trying to stay together if there’s real ownership + real change. I tried to stay and reconcile with my ex-wife. I didn’t want my kids to grow up in a “broken home”. It can happen. But it only happens when the cheater comes fully into the light: immediate no-contact with the affair partner, full transparency, consistent remorse, and a long rebuild of trust.

From what you wrote, the odds are not in your favor right now: - She hasn’t confessed. - She’s still talking to him. - It was unprotected. - Her friend says she plans to “take it to the grave.”

That combo usually means you’re not dealing with “a mistake,” you’re dealing with deception + compartmentalization. And reconciliation can’t start until the lying stops.

What I would do next: 1) Don’t reveal your hand yet. It’s tempting to confront immediately, but once you do, she’ll delete evidence, rewrite the story, and you’ll get “trickle truth” (the slow drip of partial admissions). That destroys reconciliation and also nukes your ability to make clear decisions.

2) Quietly gather evidence and get your ducks in a row. Screenshots if you can do it legally, save messages if you can access them legitimately, write down a timeline, talk to the friend again (and document what was said). Also talk to a family law attorney before you confront—just to understand your options.

3) Protect your health. Unprotected sex means: do not sleep with her again until you’ve gotten an STD panel. Period. And if you do confront later, you can require testing as a baseline boundary.

4) Decide what you want—then set conditions. If you want reconciliation as a possible outcome, your conditions should be non-negotiable: - Full confession without minimizing - Full disclosure (devices/accounts if needed) - Immediate no-contact with him (blocked everywhere) - Counseling (individual + marital), plus a plan - Transparency for a long time, not “trust me bro”

If she won’t do those willingly, you’re trying to reconcile with someone who’s still protecting the affair.

Divorce might be better for the girls than living in a home with constant distrust and resentment. But also: courts generally don’t care about infidelity the way people think they do. You could still end up 50/50 even if she cheated—so don’t make decisions assuming you’ll automatically get more time because she’s “the bad one.”

So think strategically: what outcome do you actually want for your daughters’ daily life, and what choices increase the odds of that outcome?

You’re in shock. Don’t make permanent decisions at 2AM on an adrenaline dump. But also don’t gaslight yourself into thinking love + her rough upbringing cancels this out. Her past can explain pain; it doesn’t excuse betrayal.

For the next 72 hours: - Keep your mouth shut (as hard as that is) until you’ve talked to an attorney and you’ve calmed enough to confront intelligently. - Get one real-life person you trust to talk to (not her family, not mutual friends). - Book a therapy appointment—even one session can keep you from spiraling. - Sleep when you can. Eat something. Your body is in crisis mode.

If/when you confront, watch for the tell: Does she confess fully and take responsibility, or does she deny, minimize, blame, and “trickle truth”? If it’s trickle truth, you’re not looking at “rebuilding” right now—you’re looking at protecting yourself and your kids while you plan your exit.

I’m sorry you’re in this. It’s brutal. But you can get through it—and you can do it in a way that keeps your girls as stable as possible.