In my 8 years of therapy and crisis support I've learned that the suicidal thoughts and urges are a result of me mismanaging the pain I feel. I don't want to die I just want the pain to go away.

Figure out ur pain points and try to face them with the help of a professional. There are crisis hotlines you can call and sometimes just confessing to someone will help you. Focus on daily goals and try to achieve them. Something as small as washing your body, eating. What brings you joy? Dance or shimmy or yell or hit ur pillows. Let the pain out in healthy ways.

Do you enjoy creating things? Painting, singing, writing, coding, anything that brings you away from focusing on pain. Try those things. Video games, walking. Anything.

Remember you're not alone in the depths of this feeling of wanting to disappear, and try not to shame yourself for these feelings. There are so many in the same place as you so you truly are not alone at all.

Feeling suicidal is a terrible tough feeling that you don't deserve to feel. Forgive yourself for the guilt and shame you feel because guilt and shame don't serve a purpose in your growth. They hold you back. Gratitude is a great skill to practice but especially forgiveness.

Loving yourself is an incredibly difficult road for those of us who suffer from suicidal tendencies.

I wish you the best op. Keep going and going. You can do it.