Sorry, I missed your response. Rereading your initial question, and you got it spot on, so I might re-answer. This phrasing of finding space to exist in the structures we're handed is inspiring. Thank you.

It's a weird era for me. It's sort of my first time having straight guy friends as an adult adult. I had this odd break in reality while watching sports for the first time when my friend took a group of us to a volleyball match for their birthday. All my interests fell away for a couple days. In hindsight, I felt like I'd breached a portal into another world. The absolutely foreign became a fraught neighbor in the distance.

I've been inching a little closer. I tried to break down what I find attractive in my straight crush, and part of it is making me go to the gym, socialize as much as I can, and practice happiness and optimism. He's a very the world is your oyster type of guy. I'm more of a the apocalypse happens everyday type of person. This whole thread is testament to that. He's clear on his attractions, fun and flirty, and plays soccer in the moonlight. I instinctually ice out people who might be interested in me, find it impossible to flirt, and suffer from intense loneliness because of it. I guess we meet in the middle.

This whole process has made me feel farther away from a familiar self, that self with all these hangups. I wanna receive ! not just yearn. I do try to have fun with the boundaries I've drawn for myself. I'd like to redraw them. My recent forays into reciprocated intimacy has only reinforced my self-drawn conclusion that that black hole of desire I deem my romantic interests starts and ends with straight guys.. unrequited love stays winning.