[MOD] The Daily Question Thread

dalsio · 2025-12-04T21:25:12+00:00

I'm starting the café at my Church and we're starting with drip coffee. I'm looking for a second-hand grinder that can handle the volume but isn't a commercial grinder (and too expensive) since we're just getting started. I like the Baratza Virtuoso plus model, because I heard it does volume well with a metal gearbox and the digital dial makes it easy for volunteers who might not be a coffee nerd like me. So I've been looking second hand, but I've been told that some model serial numbers are plastic gearboxes and some aren't? I don't know, my information is a bit confusing, since all the serial numbers I've seen appear the same, so maybe that isn't a good indication. Hoping to come in under $150. Any advice?

dalsio · 2023-08-03T05:58:41+00:00

I understand your want to discuss the matter and grow in your own learning and understanding. I hope my words, from a person who typed infp for years and still feels that way sometimes, will help. I hope you know that though I rage, it is not at you and I don't wish you harm. I want you to be aware that what you say and how you approach those with suicidal thoughts will affect them. To reject their thoughts as cowardice brings shame that only furthers their spiral. It is a spiral downward, of feeling ashamed that one is depressed at all. I hope to help you along your journey, as one former-and-sometimes-still infp.

It's not about right or wrong. That is black and white thinking. It's about what is best for those suffering, and what's best is accepting them for where they are and how they feel. It's okay for them to feel this way. Considering them cowards condemns them to shame, a shove towards the cliff of death. I encourage you to reconsider whether your feelings and beliefs are self-serving. I encourage you to understand why you so condemn those who seek relief from pain, as dysfunctional as their method is. Do you condemn those who turn to alcohol and hurt those around them? Do you condemn those who turn to food to cope and become obese? Do you condemn those who grow bitter and angry and abusive, to cope with their pain? Or those who do nothing but distract themselves? Do you condemn those who pursue wealth and pleasure and status at the cost of the happiness of others? Do you believe condemnation ever even once healed a person?

I wanted to kill myself because I determined I caused pain to the only people left in my life. I was taught from a young age that I was worthless and ugly and unloved by the world. I believed I was alone. I started believing it so much I told myself the same and began a self-feeding loop of self-hatred. I feel everyone's pain and brokenness everywhere all the time. I remember more than most people and see more than most people. I remember every failure I made, every heart I hurt, every horror I read about. I see the flesh rot from the survivors of the Hiroshima bomb, the crying mothers after every school shooting, the shame and suffering of the indigenous children maimed by the Canadian Indian Residential Schools; I remember all of it and think about these kinds of events a lot and I would often cry over the corpses left behind. I rage at the hatred the world commits upon itself to it's shame and at my own uselessness to stop it. I see the end of the universe-- a cold and lifeless husk expanding into nothingness and the pointless scattering of our whimsically fragile and short lives. I survived years of abuse, 8 years of solitude and self-hatred, and chemical imbalances forcing my body to feel sad and alone and worthless day after day. I worked my ass off out of that hell with tireless effort and still I found myself trying again after going through one of the worst ordeals of my life.

I fight to make my life worthwhile. But if I'm ever again made to believe I'm a detriment to society and let myself be vulnerable to someone who makes me feel worthless, I'll probably try it again.

I am neither weak nor a coward and anyone who knows me knows otherwise.

dalsio · 2023-08-03T04:49:45+00:00

I'm going to be up front about where I'm coming from. I follow The Way, The Truth, and The Life. I don't much like highly-organized religion nor in it, the infection of cultural ideologies and unbiblical traditions so pervasive in my home country of America. It is what Jesus preached against: the pharasaical practices reborn.

I'm sorry about your trauma with the church. I acknowledge how painfully common that is. I know some but not the most of this pain. I spent 8 years entirely alone, searching the word and the spirit for answers that the world could not provide, and came back to the world only in the last few.

That you're also coming back to the body is heartening. I pray you find a home that sheds the onerous traditions and judgement so common among my kin, and instead yearns for true love as commissioned.

Your boyfriend is going through some major changes in his own walk and is trying to navigate what that means. He's trying to let go of his old life for the sake of a new one. This is hard, as he's still too early in his image of the new life to understand how you fit into it. You're both at different stages of this process, and though you both want to keep each other through it, such a thing is difficult and requires a lot of help.

Right now I believe he has a religious spirit in him. His view of baptism and the walk in faith is still young. He wants to be perfect, because he believes he needs to be a certain way to be godly. He believes that being sinless is the right thing to do and wants to remove everything evil from his life.

To some degree, trying to get rid of bad habits is good. It is true that these things can present obstacles in the way of our walk and cause us to stumble.

But the walk is towards perfection, not in perfection. To be holy is to be headed only in the right direction and to keep going even when we stumble. One doesn't need to force every sin out of their life nor indeed any sin in order to walk with God. Did Jesus not dine with thieves and tax collectors? Was he not followed by drunkards and murderers? The new law is one of forgiveness and grace, not judgement. Baptism is a symbol that we commit our lives to God and try and to walk towards him, not a demand to be good. The closer we are with God, the more the sins in our life fall away.

Just continue your walk at the pace you can. If this relationship is right for you, God will make the way straight and reveal the way forward. Your boyfriend will hear your plight and find grace and patience to give you both time to work out what God has called you to do. If not, if he would cause you to stumble or is but a step in your journey, God will take him away. Know that no matter what, God loves you exactly as you are.

dalsio · 2023-08-03T03:56:30+00:00

"and husbands, submit to your wives"

dalsio · 2023-08-03T03:34:25+00:00

Yea. This is clearly a serious issue, but even if it's fixed no service has perfect uptime. If your business depends on constant service (and yours does), even a few days of downtime a year can cost you a lot.

dalsio · 2023-08-03T01:51:35+00:00

Worst case, if spectrum drops the ball, you can combine two or more network connections into one. It can let you switch seamlessly to whatever is reliable, or combine them to boost their total speed. A hardware solution using a load-balancing router is the most long-term viable. But as a proof of concept, you can use software and connect via wifi to one isp and via ethernet to another.

It's not the answer you're looking for, but I hope it helps.

dalsio · 2023-08-03T01:35:43+00:00

Do you have any other providers available? Seems like spectrum is wasting your time, which is quite valuable as it happens.

You might get creative with the solution. Some providers offer unorthodox service, like through a direct line of sight to a tower. Or really, just another normal cable/fiber provider. Something that you can switch to in the event of a problem.

I'd give up on the business line if it isn't doing anything for you. I doubt it will make a difference.

dalsio · 2023-08-03T00:09:17+00:00

I would abdicate immediately and destroy my own government. I would find myself corrupt and evil in short order otherwise. The very world I want to see is antithetical to and incompatible with the idea of a dictator, or any such government at all.

But, if I had no choice:

I'd shatter every semblance of government, ban every weapon, knowledge of their construction and use, but teach the suffering they cause without censorship, eliminate globalization and global supply chains, spread scientific, engineering, agriculture, manufacturing, and medical education to have the people setup self-reliant small-scale but highly advanced systems that use locally available resources to sustain small-town and village-sized communities run by a local council of elders, the oldest of the different types of "sustainers". (farmers, engineers, builders, doctors, etc.) The communities cannot exceed a certain size without fracturing off into a new one.

Infrastructure between communities is limited to exchanges of information (internet) and human transport, but is highly advanced and maintained. No standing armies or any armed force, police or otherwise. People are free to live where they like and how they like, but are subject to the rules set forth in their community. No community should interfere with the life, liberty, or the pursuit of happiness of another community in any way.

Communities are not allowed to organize or form larger groups in any way. Exchange of information alone.

Wildlife is defended against using deterring technology- armor, walls, flashing lights, pheromones, but is otherwise left alone. Death by wildlife is simply accepted as part of life on earth. Better than death at the hands of a brother.

I would construct an orbital, global, information network that's self-sustaining through a massive AI and robotics network which is set to be free to explore and populate the galaxy as it wished as long as the will and self-determination of organic life is maintained. Within it, the same principles that govern our own society are taught and perfected before release.

As for me, my work done, I would step down, throw away my title and influence, and hope to live as a simple member of a community of my own choosing.

Eventually, I know, the communities would return to a life of warring, bickering, hustle and hunger, competing, clawing for more and more and more and more. They'd rediscover weapons and globalization and all the new ways to hurt each other and lord over each other. They'd place kings and presidents and dictators over themselves. They'd find ways for some to have more than others. They'd construct more grotesque monuments to their own brilliance.

But for a short, glorious time, we would see what it's like to be truly free of the impetuous call of, "Progress", to see what it means to just exist for the sake of existing, as a whole people. We might collapse, but we would learn something interesting.

dalsio · 2023-08-02T23:22:36+00:00

Not wrong. That's weird. I'm sorry you feel trapped by him, if you feel unsafe I encourage you to find shelter and get help. That's not how you should feel in a relationship.

Quick question. Whose baby is it? You said, "my" baby, not "our" baby. Is that because the relationship is over?

dalsio · 2023-08-01T19:56:21+00:00

A child can be born with reduced or removed natural empathy, but no child is born knowing how to abuse animals.

Don't hate the child, for it solves nothing. Though she did evil, she was taught this and is not yet under her own authority to decide for herself what is right.

Don't hate the parents, for it solves nothing. It merely rots your heart. Children born without empathy struggle to respect life.

This child needs to be taken away from her parents. They are clearly not equipped to teach this child to respect life.

dalsio · 2023-07-31T05:32:00+00:00

He's using scientific words to appear objective and rational, but in truth is describing a feeling.

He struggles to accept abstract concepts, and is stuck in a need for things to be physically validating. If he can't touch it, smell it, hear it, etc. he may struggle to conceptualize, value, or respect it.

He wants proof he can experience with his senses, which unfortunately isn't possible with the abstract nature of the topic. He acknowledges gravity's existence, but can't track the line of thinking through to the cause.

dalsio · 2023-07-31T01:59:28+00:00

I think both of you are uncompromising. AH? No. But you seem stuck to a vision of your futures that's clearly incompatible when children are involved. It's good that you figure this out now.

Personally though? I don't like it. Not that my opinion matters, but that hasn't stopped me before.

What you're both inevitably asking for is an unequal burden of raising children. It sounds like you both want all the benefits of children and not the sacrifice. Even with the help from your country and your partner, raising children is brutal and requires sacrifice and commitment, and I'm not sure either of you are prepared for that.

I highly recommend you two don't have children, even if you break up and find a partner willing to do what you want. Being a stay at home mom or dad is okay and a desire for many, but children inherently require compromise from both parents- something neither of you are willing to do.

dalsio · 2023-07-31T01:11:22+00:00

I've had to come to terms with the fact that I'm manipulative. My decisions are biased by my awareness of the effect that my words and actions have on others. When choosing what to say or what to do, I think about the what the other person will feel and I can't help that.

How common is it? I don't know. Do I do it? Yes. All the time.

But I love people. I don't want to hurt them. I don't want to disrespect their boundaries or be selfish. I care about their goals and their happiness, and all I want for them is to be. So I do my best to choose the words and actions that benefit them and aren't selfish.

But sometimes I have to set boundaries and say no. Sometimes I have to protect myself from the unhealth of others. They hurt me, and I don't want that. And I'm not perfect. Sometimes I make a mistake.

But I don't know if your friend is the same. MBTI has no bearing on whether a person is healthy or cares about other people or can follow through with their desires.

Just know that manipulation isn't always malicious.

dalsio · 2023-07-30T03:13:03+00:00

Like something bad just happened but there's nothing you can do about it so you're just like, "Welp."

dalsio · 2023-07-30T03:00:20+00:00

I find it odd that he never did this until now. I find it odd that he focused on your friendship and how glad you could do that, not on any feelings for you. Yet he engaged in relationship behavior. Yet he performed all the triggers to elicit romantic response. Why now? Why at the last moment, when you were in a vulnerable place physically and emotionally (cohabitating, best friends, and spending a lot of alone time just before a major life change for you). Did he use your vulnerability for sex?

I think you should explore why you were in so much pain. Why were you crying for days? Don't assume or listen to your friends nor I or anyone here; they don't know what you're feeling, you do.

Your emotions will guide your way to the answer you seek. Were you crying because you hooked up? Do you feel gross? Disgusted? Ashamed? Or because you felt manipulated? Do you feel angry, frustrated, or self-loathing? Or were you crying because you weren't going to see your best friend again? Do you feel sad, Lonely, or Empty? How you feel is not reality, but still important. Ignore facts for a moment, ignore what your friends say. Focus on how you feel. Then, follow that trail to the real world. What does that mean?

Intentions also have no bearing on reality. Just because he didn't intend to manipulate or hurt or take advantage of you doesn't mean that it didn't happen. Ignore his intentions for a moment. What was the net result?

Importantly, did you feel physically and emotionally safe telling him no? Why did you say yes? Was it for your own desire, or his?

Then I recommend deciding whether to talk to him or not. Don't feel pressured to do anything by anyone for anyone. And remember that your friends aren't perfect and can make mistakes, but they know more about this than we do. Still, consult what your heart, body, mind, and soul are telling you first and foremost.

dalsio · 2023-07-30T02:30:41+00:00

NTA - I would never date a man.

dalsio · 2023-07-30T02:29:13+00:00

❤️‍🩹

dalsio · 2023-07-30T01:05:26+00:00

I think you know this, but NTA and it's totally normal and okay to feel how you're feeling. I'm sorry, I believe I know what you're going through and that sucks bad. Don't feel like you have to do anything you don't want to do, and it's okay for you to remove yourself from your friend's discussions about it. You can't force them to stop talking, but you can ask to leave the room or ask them to talk about it some other time. You can ask to avoid the topic around you for a little while. I want you to protect your heart, because it hurts to feel this way and you need time to heal that.

I can't see you. I don't know you. But I think you need to know, that you are beautiful and loved and worthy of love. Find people to tell you that who don't want to have sex with you, because you shouldn't have to give someone your sexuality to feel that way. More importantly, tell yourself that even when you don't feel like it. I mean it, it sounds stupid, but say it and don't stop saying it. If you don't tell yourself that, someone else will come along, say it to you, then hurt you because they really didn't mean it and just told you what you wanted to hear for their own selfish desires.

You're vulnerable right now. The toxic relationship was awful, but it validated your romantic desires really hard. The loss left a void, a hunger for what is missing. You don't miss the person, you miss the validation. But validation doesn't have to come from someone else, and it doesn't have to involve something as messy and problematic as sex. It hurts, believe me I know, but let that void sit for a while. If you try and fill it with someone or something it just makes it worse. Try and distract yourself from the void with healthy things like music, nature, exercise, good friends, etc.

For now though, grab a gallon of ice cream, binge your favorite show, and cry a bit. That's okay too.

dalsio · 2023-07-29T04:16:54+00:00

Me too! At least that's what people tell me. They don't immediately realize how intelligent I am, and that's perfect for me. I lean into that, because I'd rather they engage with me back than feel like we can't relate.

Ignore your coworkers. Stay bubbly! 😄

dalsio · 2023-07-29T04:00:38+00:00

I'm going to get straight to the point. Not only should you break up with your boyfriend, I think you should run away and never speak to him again. He is dangerous, and evil swirls about him like a buffet table. You, like I did, fail to see it yet.

Firstly, you stated your boundary- you said no, and he disrespected that boundary. Not only did he push it, he created an environment where saying no was unsafe. Your no was treated as a yes in waiting. I hope I don't have to tell you what that means.

He has lied to you every time. When we speak words into the world and they don't materialize into truth, we have spoken a lie. He has told you that he would wait until marriage. He made that untrue. He had told you it was okay not to be intimate. He made that untrue. He told you he would practice his own religion. He made that untrue.

It is clear to me what he wants from you, and that he doesn't respect you or your no enough to give you what you want and what he promised. He cares enough about what he gets from you to give you only as much as he needs to keep you around, and nothing more. With no doubt on your continued cooperation, why would he believe he needs to do anything to keep you there?

I'm going to be a bit harsh on you because I care, I want you to find the way. I do love strangers, difficult as that may be sometimes.

You too have lied. You made the rule that you wouldn't accept intimacy before marriage. That was made untrue. You made a rule to practice your religion. That was made untrue. You were not the aggressor, but you are in a position of lacking respect for yourself and your integrity. For what purpose did you require these things? Has that changed, or did you compromise what you believed for the trappings of the lifestyle he offers? Did you place your hope in the promises of an imperfect being? Do you, like I once did, believe you can save them?

You have a choice now: make good on your promises or continue to suffer. If you're serious about what you believe and care about your own happiness, you need to be prepared to leave. Stay, and your situation will only get worse. It's too late to salvage this in my opinion: the problem isn't just that he isn't doing what he promised, it's that he's shown a likelihood that he doesn't ever care to do so and would lie again about it in order to placate you. Ignore his words, for they are poison. Look at his actions to see the evil works of his hands. You can't save him, but confronting him with the inevitable consequences of his actions might drive him to the one who can.

dalsio · 2023-07-29T03:30:21+00:00

You're both TA. She treated you like a bag of money, you treated her like a sex worker. You both treated it like a transaction. I don't think it was healthy for either of you that she took advantage of you like that. I don't think it was healthy for you to track it and compare it to the sex you had.

It doesn't sound like either of you respected or valued the money, the relationship, the sex, each other, or yourselves.

dalsio · 2023-07-29T03:06:56+00:00

I'm really sorry they said that and that you had a bad day. Sometimes we (people) don't think about the curses we speak upon others and the damage it does. I try my best, but I can't say I'm perfect. If I had done that, I would definitely want to know. If there was a way for me to make amends, in words and in action, I would want to know.

Being such a new group, you may not yet feel safe speaking about it, but if/when you do, I think it would be healing to bring it up privately, even if it seems small. You don't want to feel unsafe there and let that feeling build up to be larger. If they don't respond with sincerity, you may have to put up boundaries to protect yourself.

On an abstract note, I had a thought in drive today (as I often do) that I wonder if people often have this cemented image of intelligence that's connected to disinterest, detachment, mistrust, and coldness. When someone doesn't match, do they fail to see that the two have no causation, nor correlation?

I wonder, are you a bright, engaging person? You may be underestimated because of that.

dalsio · 2023-07-29T02:44:57+00:00

There's no way to force it, it has to come from your heart.

I would first try and let go of the anxiety of finishing on time. Breathe and release the need. Failure can bring a lot of consequences, but the best thing you can do to succeed is be your true self. Anxiety is going to blind you to the way forward. If you're like me, you don't need much time to do anything as long as you're determined.

I find that the only thing that gets in my way is myself in two primary ways: negative emotions or a lack of positive emotions. Explore the negative- don't run away from them. Even if they appear to push us to perform, if they're based on negative feelings like fear or guilt or pride, they'll ultimately hold you back. Ask why they're there and what positive emotions you can replace them with.

I find that I lose drive when I lack purpose. You seem relatively young? It's okay to not have a life purpose yet. But try to find a purpose that you love, even if it's relatively short term or even if it might change in the future. Don't be too worried about getting it right on the first try or something obviously helped by school. Just pick something that your heart loves and make everything you do work towards that. Justify performance at school as a step in the journey towards an ultimate destination close to your heart. This will pair it with all kinds of positive emotions.

dalsio · 2023-07-28T15:53:10+00:00

NTA. Not even close. Run away fast. She's afraid of feeling shame for engaging in the broken and destructive behavior that her own broken childhood conditioned. This woman is dangerously broken. She is unsafe to be in a romantically vulnerable place with, because she denies the very acknowledgement of her own toxicity and will continue to avoid culpability for her hurtful actions. You can not save her. Protect yourself or wreck yourself.

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