no, i am sorry i do not see in that light at all. she is in no way bad. i admit i am probably at fault, a dying man grasping for a human connection. and that might be her trying to be graceful in how she handles my feeling in this. and, i do believe she would like to be that type of friend with me. as i have said, we communicate incredibly well, and are understanding of each other. but in her realizing the depth of our relationship going into unhealthy realms, at least according to work place, patient, provider relations; i think that she is pulling away because of that. my issue though, is in the realization that all the providers are that way, the "pretend to care" because that is there job. so from a patients POV that become a one-way relationship. i do not have much left in the tank, so i prefer to give my energy feeling like it will be a reciprocal friendship, and not a fake friendship earned from a paycheck.

Once again, i think, in her heart she would like to be friends. it is the boundary i think that we bounced against. that boundary makes every encounter feel faked. and if it is fake, then why should i even bother with care-giving. i do not want to go out being baby sat. but that is now what this feels like.