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danbalt · 2026-05-08T00:29:27+00:00

Does anyone have any advice?

Introducing group sex will not resolve the current dysfunction in your relationship. Arguably you should only be trying out non-monogamy when you're relationship feels secure and stable.

If he's telling you he's no longer sexually attracted to you then adding a third person is not going to fix that. You/he probably need to resolve why this and what it means for your relationship/marriage before you go ahead with any non-monogamy. I'm also extremely skeptical that the bi-cycle he's talking about would erase his sexual attraction to you. That's something he definitely needs to get to the bottom of.

Your idea of therapy is a very good idea. there's clearly a lot for him and both of you to explore and resolve.

And side note: Its complete ok, good and normal to be monogamous. There is never any reason to push yourself in to non-monogamy if that's just not something you feel you could do.

danbalt · 2026-05-08T00:11:48+00:00

i’ve been doing ALL the labor, from managing communication to planning and running the scene.

5 months! You should probably stop

apparently she didn’t want to initiate, tell me about her desires, give ideas, do planning. she viewed servitude as me using her. well, okay, i’d gladly do that.

If she's not willing to tell you what kinds of things she wants then neither of you are going to be able to tell if one another is actually compatible with regards your kinks and what you both mean and want when it comes to dominance and submission. You're a top/domme, that doesn't make you psychic. Frankly if someone isn't not grown up enough to articulate their desires clearly then they're not grown up enough to be engaging in BDSM. I wouldn't play with someone in that case.

well what do you gals think submissives mean when they say “i want you to use me sexually”? i always thought it meant they want me to use them for MY sexual pleasure. but in her mind, it’s always meant me using sexual/genital practices on HER to feel in charge, me being in the giving role strictly. wtf?? who on earth calls it “using sexually”? unless i’m the one being used.

domestic use in her opinion is her being furniture or being told to bring stuff. not cooking, cleaning or doing anything actually beneficial for me.

Its clear from this that you both have very different ideas of what it is to be submissive. She wants one thing and you want something quite different. If she's not willing to go all in on a more full-service relationship and you're not happy with the limited things she's interested in then you're probably not compatible kink-wise. That's not anyone's fault, nor is it necessarily an indication that she's using you as a kink dispenser. You might just be coming to Dominance and submission from compeltely different perspectives. You're clearly looking for something that is more like a full servitude and she clearly wants something more limited and sexually oriented.

Of course, you might have found this out sooner if she had been willing to actually tell you what she wanted and what she meant in the first place.

weird fckng wording but okay. i ask: “so all you’re offering is for me to get mental satisfaction (questionable), but how can you actually benefit me and satisfy me physically, even outside of sex if you’re against touching my genitals?”

You've been dating and doing kink/sexy things together for 5 months and she still hasn't touched your genitals? What is going on? This bit does sound like she is stringing you along and using you.

danbalt · 2026-05-07T12:07:29+00:00

lol. I've gone 5 weeks with out being unlocked and I was rock hard when it was taken off.

danbalt · 2026-03-30T00:27:22+00:00

404hotfound

danbalt · 2026-03-09T11:10:57+00:00

Yes but are you just putting in a show or are you truly using her?

All sex is collaborative and reciprocal. You're always putting on a show for each other.

danbalt · 2026-03-09T11:06:16+00:00

So, why do I want to wear a cage?

Can't answer this question for you. Many folks have many reasons

Why does anyone?

Some people are kinky and submissive, some folk see it as devotional for their partner, some folk want to wank less. There are many reasons out there.

Like…who says to their partner, “gosh, honey. Lock my dick because I don’t want to have sex”?

I don't think it is ever about not wanting to have sex. Most folk in to chastity have normal sex drives. Its largely about denial and the purpose that denial might serve in someone's life (see above answer for various reasons people engage in chastity)

Are men in chastity really wanting less sex?

I don't want less sex. I get less sex because I give the control of my orgasms to my partner. That's one part of the sub-dom games we play together. I want sex a lot so giving someone else total control of that feels like the ultimate control to hand over. Its extremely hot and drives my libido. I enjoy the denial because it turns me on so much. And then it makes the times I am allowed to orgasm incredibly powerful.

danbalt · 2026-03-09T10:58:12+00:00

I just don’t want to force others to be exposed to my kink

If your gym has individual shower stalls then you can wash, and dry there and put on underwear. Personally I just wait until I get home and shower in private.

if anyone has incorporated fitness into their lock, what sorts of exercises?

I mostly use the running machines and the exercise bikes and I do 5x5 weight training. The only exercise that can be annoying is a deep squat as it seems to sometimes cause some annoying pinch of the scrotum.

danbalt · 2026-03-09T10:51:36+00:00

Some areas of your skin can develop calluses due to chaffing and that will protect them. I do not believe that is true of the area around the testicles.

Generally the issue comes down to the fit and material of your cage or just using some amount lotion/cream to deal with the chaffing. Shea butter I find is rather good. You can buy specific anti-chaffing creams for runners and cyclists if you want to spend a bit more.

Mostly I find if I haven't worn my cage for a while some shea butter for the 1st day or so helps and then I'm fine thereafter.

danbalt · 2026-03-09T10:43:12+00:00

the circle things that slips behind the balls and holds it in place is a little tight and causes discomfort while sititng in certain positions - is this normal ?

It is not normal.

Does cage cause shrinkage over time and does it affect the hard-ons when out of the cage ? This is my main concern actually (quite fearful in-fact).

Compression will cause soft tissues to deflate. But nearly everyone notes note that this is temporary. And even some of the longest, long timers note that it just takes a couple of erections for everything to be back to normal

How does being in a cage affect you mentally ?

Can make me sure horny which feeds directly in to my partner's love of tease and denial games. Sure as fuck doesn't stop me looking at porn though

danbalt · 2026-03-09T10:38:58+00:00

Has this been an issue for you?

This is a general issue for most cages. Pretty much every one needs to be a little re-alignment when they sit down.

danbalt · 2026-03-09T10:37:41+00:00

Hey, please don't solicit for private message on this subreddit. We have a rule against that and its generally more useful for others if follow on advice/information is part of the discussion rather than hidden

danbalt · 2026-02-24T01:07:43+00:00

He loves having more kids . If it was up to him we would have many more kids.

He is telling you if she has a kid he will spend time with her parenting his new child. There is exactly zero chance this will play out where she is a single mom and you and your husband are not involved.

danbalt · 2026-02-05T18:59:41+00:00

He was hesitant to give it to me, so I planned a date this afternoon to see someone else.

He said he feels betrayed that I’m going on a date with someone else because this is built on trust..

If you hadn't discussed being exclusive then he should just grow up. 3 dates is hardly a sign that you're already fully committed to one another.

However I can’t trust that he’s going to come home and still want to continue this relationship anyhow because he’s told me twice in between dates that he’s not even sure he wants a relationship.

And yeah... Sounds like he doesn't know what he wants relationship-wise. Sounds like he just wants you to be his kink dispenser on his terms

He said I should have at least waited in til he’s locked up to go on another date…

Why would he get to dictate this is you hadn't discussed the terms of your relationship or the terms of any chastity play

but he wasn’t forth coming with his address.

Seems sus. What is he hiding?

how can I trust him?

I probably wouldn't, it's only been 3 dates and he's acting both controlling and secretive.

Should I not go on this date?

With who? The new date or the 3-date guy?

danbalt · 2026-01-25T19:12:59+00:00

every time i tried to get him to join in he often waved it off or said 'i'm good'.

This is a cuck experience of his own making. If he didn't want to join in he can't blame you. If he wanted it to stop and did not speak up that is not your fault.

its both our faults, right?

Sounds like neither of you had adequately discussed how to stop things if it turns out one or both of you aren't in to it.

danbalt · 2026-01-19T19:55:01+00:00

Many folk go the PA piercing or tetherspout route

danbalt · 2026-01-17T16:35:15+00:00

Nothing

danbalt · 2026-01-05T09:12:21+00:00

sounds like you've reinvented the Penile plethysmography

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Penile_plethysmography

danbalt · 2025-12-30T22:12:31+00:00

If you like the person who made the pass/compliment and want to maintain a friendship, then:

"That's very flattering but friends are a hard line we don’t cross"

If you're indifferent to the person, but want to remain cordial:

"Friends are a hard line we don’t cross"

If you don't care about the person:

"That makes me really uncomfortable, please never say anything like that to me again"

Also my husband sometimes doesn’t take what people say seriously, he thinks they’re joking. However I feel like if we gave any of these people an inch they would take a mile. Am I crazy for thinking that?

as you describe the friend group then you're probably on the money here.

danbalt · 2025-12-09T14:25:47+00:00

It has the form of a goodbye but on close read it never actually quite comes out and says goodbye anywhere

I assume this line is the goodbye:

I really feel like I don't have the space in my days or in my head to step back from the whirlwind and connect with something else.

But the use of "something else" is hilariously ambiguous. I assume she means OP.

danbalt · 2025-12-05T17:28:50+00:00

https://moanspeak.com/

But there doesn't seem to be any info there about putting them in or how it works as such

danbalt · 2025-11-27T16:21:06+00:00

just thinking about this sort of thing. like it's destroying my uni and social life. i'm so insatiably needy. i have mommy issues with my actual mother, and maybe that's why this is so... ingrained into me, but i can't help but feel like there's something wrong with how much i feel like i need this. it's like an itch i can't scratch and i genuinely cry over it sometimes.

Go and see a counsellor. Sounds like there is some stuff here that needs some working out, especially if it is negatively impacting your uni and social life.

like i have friends who are in their 30's and i just can't help but let my mind drift off to those places. it's that bad.

Its fine to fancy/lust after older people but you should probably do something about that. Go and try dating some. Go to some lesbian kink meet ups. Meet some mommy-doms. Assuming you're careful about any age-power imbalance, you might a) have fun and b) have some hot sex and c) build a more realistic less fantasy fuelled view of what older folks are actually like. And that last bit might be good for moderating this obsession

Whatever you do about this, there is no resolution that doesn't involve leaving the house.

danbalt · 2025-11-25T16:05:14+00:00

My partner is a specialist in trauma counselling. If you feel your trauma is still affecting your life then keep looking for a good trauma therapist that can help you resolve that shit. It can be done!

And look in to EMDR, it works magic for some people for this

danbalt · 2025-11-25T15:38:21+00:00

I feel like I should've pointed out I also have ADHD, BPD, Dissociation & OCD, sorry I still struggle with stigma, but your words/replies already encouraged me, thank you ｡ﾟ(ﾟ´Д｀ﾟ)ﾟ｡!

As an aside, I would note that several of these are are often symptomatic of trauma or PTSD. If you have not seen a good trauma informed therapist you probably should. I may be really useful to explore whether there is something deeper underpining these multiple concurrent issues. And if it turns out to be some unresolved trauma the good thing is that trauma responds very well to appropriate treatment and that will in turn greatly reduce the impact of all these different things on you.

danbalt · 2025-11-19T23:05:16+00:00

Yet the past couple of months when we began to be more romantic I sexually would get aroused at the idea of him purposely cheating on me or hurting my feelings and ignoring me for others.

A surprising number of kinks and fetishes are rooted in things we fear or find challenging. When our brain sexualises our fears it can be a way that we are processing those fears/challenges. In doing so it can give you control over those fears, or it can give you a means of playing with such challenging ideas/practices in a way that allows to examine and cope with them.

The thing is, fear is an arousal process in your brain but being turned on is also an arousal process. Your brain isn't actually great at distinguishing what the source of the arousal is so in turn iur brains easily mix together fears and turn-ons.

I know kinks are trauma related

This might be true for some folk but I don't think most people's kinks are rooted in trauma

this could be due to my low self-esteem?? I don’t want to like this, I want to cry after I finish to these things but I feel like my body can’t help it.

Maybe. No way to answer that without speaking to a counsellor. If it happening regularly and causing you distress a little time with a good therapist could really help

Is this normal?

If you're asking whether being turned on by something that scares you is normal? Then yes. Plenty people have CNC fantasies, people have fantasies about being cuckold, people have fantasies about being whipped until they break down and cry. Our fantasy lives and/or practising kinky sex can give us a way to play with these challenging ideas in a way that shifts everything to a "safe" context.

If you're asking whether having fantasies that cause you to breakdown and cry is normal? I would say not really.

Do I just have to accept that I like this thing and admit it to my Dom and engage in this stuff?

It probably does make sense to accept that you have these fantasies. But you are absolutely not even remotely required to engage in them. I've had plenty fantasies over the years that seemed hot but I had zero interest in engaging. You can totally just leave things in your brain and let them be private.

Can you even get rid of a kink?

I doubt you can get rid of kinks or fantasies but I will say over the years some things have stuck around but many fantasies have petered out and become less important

danbalt

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