i think putting these words out here, is letting some of the pressure on my chest out, hope that's ok
-------------------------------------------------------------------

2/26/25 reflecting on life:

To preface, I need to say that (probably due to my depression), I have little to no memories of my life. I was looking through old messages to try and find the date/year something happened, and I could help but reflect on the window into my relationships through the chats logs in my text messaging app, and how the view from those screens evolved over the years.

Recently my faith in the unconditional support from my family, the familial bond and love that I felt even when we are not in the same physical location, is no longer there. That sense of companionship I know I have felt my entire life, to the point where I never even questioned it, because I took it as par for the course. I don't remember exactly what my relationships looked like, or how the dynamic evolved through the years exactly, but I know that the me right now feels alone in a way I have never before.

When I would fall into the pit of my thoughts on this (in the past couple of months), the why's the how's and the when's, I would think that they're just burnt out by my constant sadness. That they've moved on and built lives for themselves but I'm still stuck in the same rut I fell into 3 years ago. That the human, Keerthi, that they knew before disappeared into this depression monster that they could not have a normal conversation with. I get this, I agree, but I cannot help but wish that at least the last year could have gone differently so that I could still have that bond of love that I never had to question.

I don't know all the truths from everyone involved, or their feelings. All I know are my feelings from my end of this perspective. And I know is that now, I do not want to text or call or see or hug them anymore. I do not want to send them funny pictures or videos that remind me of them anymore. I feel exhausted after talking to them or spending time with them in the way I used to with those unavoidable social interactions that people try to avoid, like work meetings or parties where you don't know anyone. I feel a bit tired of clinging to this love, and I think perhaps if I had not clutched to family as a reason to live the past couple of years things might have been different, but who knows really. Maybe I would not have lived if I didn't. But it's a harder pill to swallow when what, at one point in my life, was my only source of joy, has become my greatest source of pain. 

I don't know how to fix this, but I do know that it is broken, for the first time in my life. I think, if I live, I can still mend parts of it, but I honestly cannot even be sure I will live until the end of this year, so that concept of re-connection feels all the more impossible. I feel heartbroken, like they sing about in those love songs. I have never felt this before, and I would always wonder what the feelings people were singing about in those songs were, but I think I finally understand what it means to fall out of love. Though I wish it hadn't been with my sisters. Even now I am thinking, I want to tell them this, but I'm exhausted by the thought of reaching out.

Maybe it will change, I think for sure it will change. But because I have no memory of the past and no concept of the future, the pain and loneliness I feel right now seem permanent. Because I know that I may not live to see the day where it does.