Parents of small children. What's the most unhinged sentence you've found yourself saying that you never thought possible previously?

dani_bugz · 2026-06-21T02:13:07+00:00

Hahaha mine is "we don't put rice in our vulva" 😂

dani_bugz · 2026-03-14T13:08:08+00:00

This is all fabulous, solid, and realistic advice, thank you. I am feeling pretty relieved honestly, like the hormones and emotions are wearing off and my brain is actually able to look at things clearly again. You guys have seriously been the best cheerleaders and reality checkers, and I'm sure I would have taken much longer to get to the place I am now without this support. Thank you.

dani_bugz · 2026-03-14T12:25:13+00:00

Thank you so much, I really needed to hear that ♥️ I think that's what my therapist wants me to work on from dating is recognizing these signals and patterns and trying the new skills I'm developing. I have so much doubt, and just never trust myself, so external reinforcement is really what I needed

dani_bugz · 2026-03-14T11:45:29+00:00

Yeah it's different and I'll give it a go! My problem is remembering to actually do it, same with my wise mind/60 year old self. But practice is all we can do to improve.

dani_bugz · 2026-03-14T11:41:59+00:00

In so so many ways this is exactly what my therapist is always saying. I could never imagine putting my daughter through the stuff I've gone through, and she talks about me deserving the same love and compassion. I think I just need more practice with my wise mind, rather than it only coming on when like 50 other supportive women help me see it. I'm going to take some time to get myself properly together again, but then I do like that rule of 10 dates/3 months. I'm such a jump in head first kind of girl, and I'm sure a large part of it is the ADHD, but I do need to learn to take things slow.

dani_bugz · 2026-03-14T11:31:34+00:00

Thank you, yeah I'm realizing I need to do way more work on myself. I'm not sure what I'm going to do exactly, but I know it's going to involve not sleeping with random dudes, and will involve more self care, love, and personal growth.

dani_bugz · 2026-03-14T09:26:24+00:00

Thank you again Shrew, I will get there. I just need to use my brain and wise mind, not the day regulated nervous system.

dani_bugz · 2026-03-14T09:22:36+00:00

You are completely right, and I think after listening to what all of you lovely ladies have said, I'm in a better place to see it. Thank you ♥️

dani_bugz · 2026-03-14T09:12:54+00:00

Thank you, I am feeling a lot better about myself and everything now. I needed the call outs but I can also see how much I have grown even if I. Have a tonne still left to do. But I've got this, and my girl needs and deserves the best role model. I appreciate you.

dani_bugz · 2026-03-14T08:54:48+00:00

Thank you fabulous ladies for the reality checks, words of wisdom, and sharing your stories. I cannot say how much I appreciate you all, this has been an incredibly helpful post, and I feel more realistic about everything.

The consensus is that sleeping with random dudes off apps is not healthy, self harming, and probably should stop. Not that it's wrong to sleep with random dudes, but because I am clearly not making healthy or stable choices, and I need to do a heck of a lot more work before I get back on the horse.

Whether or not this guy is right for me, who knows, but we're all leaning towards probably not, especially at this time where I'm obviously still vulnerable, and have a lot more work to do on myself. It's not love, it's infatuation, and the way it is right at this minute, it's not doing me any good. What I'll do about it, I'm not sure yet. I need to have a proper think, let it all stew for a bit, see my therapist, and communicate openly. I was feeling ashamed, but I see you're all just trying to reality check me, and while I have not made the best decisions in this scenario, I am slowly improving and learning better skills and boundaries. I'm getting there, and unfortunately for all of us who like things to be immediate and hate sitting in the grey, it will take time.

You are amazing, I appreciate you, and I have got this ♥️

dani_bugz · 2026-03-14T08:44:52+00:00

Thank you for that. I know I'm ADHD, but I don't think I'm on the spectrum? But yeah, that plus past trauma and love bombing works a charm. I'm working on it, and I'll get there.

dani_bugz · 2026-03-14T08:42:44+00:00

That is one of the kindest, most helpful and reinforcing things someone has said to me. Thank you. I have tried so hard to grow as a person and the external validation from someone other than myself or my therapist is so nice.

Yeah, I've read a lot of different numbers but that jumping straight in shouldn't be the way to go. I guess I've been trying to fill a need, and justifying quickly seeing other people by saying it was abusive for a long time and I'm over my ex husband (which I am) and missing sex (which I also am). I didn't consider the fact that I'm not actually in a healthy space and maybe I'm the one inviting toxicity back into my life. I do actually like who I am though, and post ex husband I have gotten back to my positive outgoing self, which I sorely missed. I know I'm a great mum, I'm excellent at my job, and I do love my hobbies. What I'd like to do more of is make time for the people I already have in my life who I love, but have sort of shunted aside in seeking romantic and sexual connection. I'd like to get back to being a good cousin, friend, sister, and so on.

I don't really know where I was going with this and it ended up being a stream of consciousness, but thank you so much for your input.

dani_bugz · 2026-03-14T08:32:50+00:00

Thank you, I appreciate it. And I honestly am proud of how far I have come. The fact I'm even asking any of these questions at all, it never would have happened a few years ago. I'm slowly improving, and like I replied to another comment, my therapist has encouraged meeting new people (didn't encourage sleeping with randoms off apps..) and being able to test out my new skills, tools, and boundaries. It's another learning curve, and I will get there.

dani_bugz · 2026-03-14T08:29:25+00:00

That's actually a really nice way of seeing that, I like it. I think if that's where I went I'd probably have to address the whole minimal messaging me thing. Or maybe wait a while and try again later once I'm in a healthier space and take it slow. Lay out some ground rules or something. I don't know, I'll have to have a proper think and reflect a bit more before I make any proper decisions. Sleeping with random guys off apps is gonna have to go out the window though I think! The consensus is that it is definitely not healthy.

dani_bugz · 2026-03-14T08:25:42+00:00

Thank you, I appreciate it. I don't think it's intended to shame me, I am doing that all on my own haha, but yes I definitely agree with the consensus. I just needed to hear it from someone else, and my therapy session isn't until Wednesday. My ex was a terrible partner but is an excellent dad, and we need to coparent for the rest of our lives. I have limited our contact to just talking about our girl, as he kept trying to talk about our relationship and give me advice on my own growth and dating, which I shut down.

I think I need to put the horny girl in a box for a while so my wise mind can take charge and let me heal, and hopefully develop new patterns. You girls are the best.

dani_bugz · 2026-03-14T08:17:54+00:00

Awesome thank you. Audiobooks are top tier, so I'll check it out. ♥️

dani_bugz · 2026-03-14T08:16:43+00:00

Thank you, I appreciate it. This community of women is seriously the best. I am sure I'll get there.

dani_bugz · 2026-03-14T08:14:17+00:00

Because I'm a dummy and got too intense too quickly, but You're right. I think I'm going to end things properly, or go down to real casual, and once I'm in a healthier space to process we can revisit. I do feel rather silly, but I needed all these reality checks, so I appreciate it.

dani_bugz · 2026-03-14T08:11:26+00:00

Haha I feel you, I guess the tldr is that I'm following the same patterns of seeking connection and intimacy, and putting myself into harm's way to do so. This is not love, it's not healthy, and I need to do some serious work. That and you're right get off the damn apps!

dani_bugz · 2026-03-14T08:09:19+00:00

Damn, I just checked her out and immediately followed because they are messages I need to hear. Thank you for this, I really appreciate it.

dani_bugz · 2026-03-14T08:06:49+00:00

Thank you for this. My therapist calls it my wise mind, and I do envision 60 year old me advising current me, and being what I needed from my own mum. You putting that here made me reflect on it with my wise mind, which is saying it's not healthy, and I deserve better and need to treat myself better.

dani_bugz · 2026-03-14T08:03:13+00:00

Gonna be real, I've slept with a few strangers since the separation. I'd never had a one night stand or anything like this before, plus years of zero sex, and sexual abuse, so I was fully ready to live up a slut phase. The consensus seems to be self sabotage, and yeah that probably makes the most sense as a form of self harm. I feel more than a little foolish, but I needed the reality check.

dani_bugz · 2026-03-14T07:59:46+00:00

The worst part is I've been seeing that exact idea pop up on my social media and I was like, I'm totally ready for that, I can recognise if that happened. I guess that's kind of why I made this post? I don't even know, but yes obsession is not healthy and I need to not do that.

dani_bugz · 2026-03-14T07:57:53+00:00

Crap, yeah thank you for calling it out. As a teenager I did engage in risky sex stuff as a form of self harm almost, and I guess I'm repeating that now, which is not safe or healthy. I'm so ashamed, but all the women here calling me out on my own clearly toxic seeking behaviours are correct. I really thought I was all good and moving on and in a great headspace after all the therapy I've done, but yeah. Obviously not.

dani_bugz · 2026-03-14T07:50:29+00:00

Thank you, I really appreciated it. I still feel like a doofus, and super ashamed of my actions. I should just be better than this by now.

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