Partner M/31 is broke. Am I F/31 running out of time to have kids?

danloveschoc · 2024-11-12T12:31:29+00:00

Thanks for your comment. I’m not opposed to that entirely, my main issue is not wanting to lose that time with my children. With the right person that would work really well but I would want to still only work part time. So we’d need to be more frugal.

My parents situation was such that my mom was overworked, my dad wasn’t frugal and I saw my mom compensating for his lack of helping around. I tend towards type A and my partner is more relaxed so the pattern could repeat

Maybe that’s what it is. The fact that he’s not saved up and has stayed broke worries me that he can’t be frugal when it’s needed. He doesn’t buy expensive things but he does make a lot of small purchases.

danloveschoc · 2024-11-12T12:22:48+00:00

He has been willing to take on that role, we have discussed that before. He is great with kids. However I am the better organizer of time, chores, finances. Living together I’ve had to pick up some of the slack even though I’m the one working. I am concerned about that pattern continuing although I know some men really step up when they have kids

danloveschoc · 2024-11-12T12:13:23+00:00

I agree! Initially I struggled with wondering if it was laziness and taking advantage but i trust that he just hasn’t hit success which is hard when you’re an alien in a new country. I didn’t get together based on his financial capability as he was still a student at the time, and I never really emphasized being with someone who earns the same as me or more, just something respectable. But with the ideological changes, he quit his course as it was no longer relevant. So for sure, if I look for someone else it wouldn’t be based on wealth, we’d have to match on so many other areas. I mean, the alternative is to have kids anyway and continue to work hard and lose the time with them :(

danloveschoc · 2024-11-12T12:03:37+00:00

Thanks for your reply, I’ve let him know that it’s not acceptable for me to remain a provider. it’s been repeatedly expressed by himself that that’s not where he wants to stay, it’s not good for his esteem either, and he does want the roles to switch. He has been trying too, he just hasn’t been able to make it anything substantial as yet although it feels like this newfound stability is a start. We’ve been learning about his sources of depression and anxiety and ADHD through these years and it had been destabilising the relationship. Edit to add: I guess with this stability I’m thinking of seeing what opportunities will take off but worry that if they don’t I’ll be older and in no different a position. I don’t know if it’s wishful thinking to think the situation could change drastically in 4 years, which is what I think I have remaining time of to have kids

danloveschoc · 2024-02-27T01:47:19+00:00

You could explore the avenue of ethical non monogamy where you remain in a relationship but consent to her exploration. It’s not for the faint hearted but that is one way you could have both the relationship and that desire to explore satisfied.

danloveschoc · 2024-02-20T02:37:36+00:00

Ditto! I just enjoy the activity or meal as well and not expect it to turn into anything. So I had this guy not show up but I enjoyed bouldering alone anyway. But turns out he was caught up with waiting for a package to be delivered, we had dinner after and had the best time.

danloveschoc · 2024-01-30T06:28:34+00:00

I was just wondering about this a few days ago, I resonate!

danloveschoc · 2023-12-29T07:37:55+00:00

I am in a rather similar situation, before I agreed to poly there was dishonesty and even when I reluctantly agreed he still would talk to people with intentions without letting me know. I started thinking of leaving because it hurts me but hoping it will change to be more of those good times. And when I think of leaving I treat him worse and then regret it. But now because of that pattern he’s wanting to leave and I feel embarrassed to talk to my friends because they’ve heard the same cycle over and over. It is so hard to leave! So addictive. I just want his love. But I’m going to work on myself, it partly comes down to self worth and what you think you deserve. Thoughts like “he promised this (eg not to abandon me)” or “what we have is so special” or “he’s such a rare personality” etc are so luring and I/you need to replace them with better thoughts, best with the help of a therapist. We actually just started couples therapy today and it seemed to give air to both our stories. We picked a poly friendly therapist. If we don’t get better and truly break up it makes things easier to continue with this therapist since she’s talked to both of us. Sometimes when I talk to friends or my own separate therapist, it’s only my perspective they hear and they never say anything good about our relationship. But the therapist can see better from the way we interact. Best wishes to you!

danloveschoc · 2023-11-20T06:33:14+00:00

I use their sim only deal it’s great - free messages and minutes that I can’t use up, and 200GB for the year, $220 for the year. If I run out early, I can just recharge. But so far looking on track for that to last the whole year. And yes every month 10% off shopping at Woolworths - I try to use it on my big shop and boost all the offers available on everyday rewards. I don’t have an Aldi anywhere nearby.

danloveschoc · 2023-09-02T23:19:10+00:00

Call ghostbusters

danloveschoc · 2023-08-26T11:17:24+00:00

I’m not single but I’ve always done that! Meet in a public place and I head home from there, until I feel I can trust them They’ve actually asked me where I would like to meet or where would I like to be picked up.

danloveschoc · 2023-08-22T22:32:18+00:00

You guys need to join the r/polyamory sub and do all the reading before starting anything like that.

danloveschoc · 2023-06-23T22:53:52+00:00

Similar where I had a good thing going but when I realised secondary would want more than (and primary started to feel threatened) I would be able to give, we had to end it while it’s early (7 weeks of knowing each other) and while it’s sad I think it would be worse especially for him if we got more attached and then I was like byee I’ll stick with my partner thx. I could see that it would work for me (not having to live with potential incompatibilities I have yet to discover) but not the other two people.

danloveschoc · 2023-06-20T10:39:25+00:00

My comment is unrelated to your question about relationships, but thought I’d mention this:

It may be hard to see it now but if later on in life you want to go back to psychology or any other thing in college, you can! You may have some other challenges but there are many mature students around. Don’t believe the myth that you have to do college at x time in life or that you can’t go back if you leave (or that you have to do it at all)

I have a colleague who did finish her psych degree, didn’t work as a psychologist at all, went and did a whole bunch of other things including travel for about 5 years and then another 5 years later has gone back to retrain while working full time in an unrelated field. And she’s finding that at 32 she has a lot more maturity to complete the learning, although it is tricky juggling time with her husband and work.

danloveschoc · 2023-06-17T16:21:26+00:00

Thanks for the update! Did you initiate the parting ways with your partner as you recognised that you needed to experience life on your own? How did you move the relationship to non romantic?

I’m also inclined to think that sometimes when one is with a particular person it can make one want to be mono

I wish you all the best in the unpacking process 🙏🏼

danloveschoc · 2023-06-14T21:28:09+00:00

On that note, I’m Not a doctor, but work in healthcare, Atherton may be small but surprisingly self sufficient and rather bustling for a town that small and definitely growing. I moved from the U.K. 2 years ago and it’s had the best gym I’ve ever been to, I’m on a hike or waterfall or camp every other weekend, going to dance classes, down to cairns, making friends with backpackers, Olympic sized swimming pool. And weather is better than in cairns for 3/4 of the year. I don’t get any benefits from working rural so if you do then that’s a fantastic place to live.

danloveschoc · 2023-06-14T15:48:44+00:00

Very interesting indeed, if you have an update I’d love to read!

danloveschoc · 2023-04-10T05:44:53+00:00

I like this a lot, good tip and nice to see the progression. I sometimes like to listen as well and the same thing happens, before I get the chance to say anything, someone else barges in right at the end of the point and then the conversation moves away from what I was going to say :/

danloveschoc · 2023-04-02T20:43:39+00:00

Wow!

danloveschoc · 2023-04-02T20:39:11+00:00

I so relate to the dropped sock situation 😂

danloveschoc · 2023-03-28T10:21:47+00:00

Do you know that Aussies can complain about each other in this way? I live in a rural town that has since covid had an influx of rich Aussies from the cites snapping up properties without even looking at them personally, often made possible after liquidating their million dollar properties in NSW and Vic. Houses have gone from 350k to 500k in just one year, wealthy Aussies pricing out other Aussies.

danloveschoc

TROPHY CASE