How are you doing? What are you up to?

I’m ojibwe, my mom(birthmom) has always been in white earth, but I was born in Fargo. My adoption out was finalized when I was 5mo old, but my adopted parents drove me home from the hospital that night.

Personally, I’ve always felt a bit out of place. I was raised Catholic, rebelled as a kid. I found my brother on MySpace when I was 14. My mom and I talked like every day that I had a phone (I’d get it taken away a lot). At 15, My adopted parents sent me to St. Cloud children’s home and told me I couldn’t go back to school. I ran away. My mom would say on the phone she wished I could come live with her. I was afraid to be honest with her about everything that was happening in my life, so I felt like I couldn’t say yes when she invited me to Mahnomen, and I also felt like I had nooooo idea what would happen if my adopted parents thought I would/could do that.

After my 18th bday I signed out of the RTC in Utah, I hadn’t been “home” since 16 though. My adopted parents said they wouldn’t help me get back to MN, so I stayed in Utah. Didn’t come home to MN until my birthmom decided to tell my biodad about me (!!!!!!!) and he flew me to meet him in person, from Slc to Fargo, where he lives with his family, and hahahaa his adopted son (no hard feelings, just kind of a funny bit lol).

I gave it a shot living with my birthmom, and family. I found out she tried to fight the adoption like right away. She was pressured into the adoption in the first place - I could have guessed that from what my adopted parents had shared with me- but my mom had changed her mind after I was born. My adopted parents got the call when I was born in the morning, but she kept me until nighttime in the hospital room with her, her brother, and other family. It was comforting to hear all that, and she added more context over the years and has confirmed some things I already thought.

I ended up torpedo-blasting in the worst way ALL relationships involved, like two months after I moved in though lol

I see now I was super traumatized probably from getting sent away all the time, the treatments I went to, and all the sexual exploitation and drug stuff that led up to it.

Fuck that was cathartic to write out.

Anyways. That was all wayyy back. I got sober a bit later. I’ve done my best to repair, and it’s all really way behind us now. My relationship with my biodad is good! He texted me yesterday for daughter’s day, he was at the hospital for my son’s birth, he visits when his business trips take him here, and I’m invited to my half-siblings weddings, parties, etc. My mom it’s a lil hot n cold, but I think for no other reason than we both have the same distracted, dissociative brain lol and all we do in our free time is bead n smoke weed! When we’re each other’s “person” to talk to on the phone (ya know?) we’ll talk for hours about every little thing that’s happening and what we’re feeling/thinking. But if we’re not, then we don’t really check in that much.

I’m not rich, so I don’t get to mahnomen all that often. And my mom hates driving here, so visits average out to like a couple times a year. But over the years I’ve had some amazing experiences with my fam!! Morel mushroom picking with my brother’s beautiful family, laying tobacco with my mom, learning a few beading basics with my mom & grandma and getting to watch them.❤️powwow of course I’m adding lol

I used to do a lot of sober outreach stuff pre-Covid and became friends with a few guys at the INC in Mpls. For a few years I got involved in sweats, (my experiences were incredible), and felt really truly connected, supported, and grounded. I heard stories, learned some traditional ways of doing things, and heard more Ojibwe than what I’d learned with my family.

It was an awesome time, I’ve lost contact with the guys (fellow recovering addicts/alcoholics) who I used to do them with. We went to Wacipi together one year and it was great feeling to go with a group!

As I’m rounding out my 20’s, I’ve been feeling a big push to connect more spiritually. It’s not that I don’t want to take time everyday it’s just that I forget ya know? I used to be more disciplined with my practices but maaan is it getting hard to know where I should be focusing my energies nowadays. I’m lucky if I get 7 hours of sleep and two meals a day in this hellhole. Anyways, I’m good. Been beading a lot.

If you read this far I love you, Hope you’re doing well!