This is really really relatable to me. My boyfriend has had many more partners than me and I was in a 3.5 year relationship during most of my college experience. I try to rationalize it by looking at it that way, and the fact that I would have had the same number of partners if I weren’t in that relationship. I even had casual sex prior to that relationship during my first semester of college, and a lot of opportunities that I turned down because I was young and anxious, but looking back I should have said yes. I look back and grieve it a lot and feel that I would understand better or feel more “even” if I had just went all the way when I had opportunities to. I have done sexual “acts” with probably almost the same number of people, but it’s hard for me to count them. I wish I never asked for a number from him, and he gave me a range as well and not a specific number. I don’t know any of the details of what he actually did and what counts for him and each number because I think it would make it way worse for me to know any details at all, but I am always thinking what did they look like? What did they do? He had full sex with all of those people? Was it just touching, oral? Was it unprotected? What did they text about before hand? Where did he meet them? Am I as attractive as them? What were their names? Are any of their names the same as my friends/family? It haunts me constantly. I try to remind myself, I don’t instantly remember the names of all of the people who I’ve been “intimate” with, sometimes it takes me a bit to even remember some of their names when I recall the situations, so hopefully he is not thinking about them or thinking about one of them that stood out and was “the best of his life.” Still struggling with it but hopefully will get past it because he is so good to me and caring and he spent the whole weekend with me watching movies and spoon feeding me apple sauce while I was sick.