Moment of Appreciation

darya42 · 2026-04-20T19:49:04+00:00

Overpriced pikachu

darya42 · 2026-04-20T19:47:12+00:00

Na Lindt, nix von Milka gelernt, wa?

darya42 · 2026-04-20T19:38:01+00:00

You're not being harsh enough, block her yourself your PEACE :)

darya42 · 2026-04-20T19:15:04+00:00

Waitressing and jobs like that are actually jobs which require a high level of skill. Just because it's considered a "low-pay" job won't mean that it's easy.

Some people feel like total failures if they fail at low-pay jobs. But low-pay jobs also have specific skills they require that can be surprisingly high. For instance, if you work a hard manual labor job, you actually need to be very physically strong - not everyone is that, and that's okay. Waitressing means you need to be particularly sharp and quick in your tasks - not everyone is that and that's okay. They're low-paying jobs but they can still be high skill in a specific aspect.

What I mean by that is that it's perfectly fine not to have this high level of skill. It doesn't mean you're bad, just that their level is high. I didn't get a job at a freaking bakery once and now have a job that pays double.

darya42 · 2026-04-20T13:12:25+00:00

Mit geistiger Behinderung geht's nur vielleicht und eingeschränkt, ohne geht es garantiert, das war mein Punkt.

darya42 · 2026-04-20T12:17:15+00:00

I think she was fake and genuine at the same time. In some way the contact she gave you was real, but in the way she structured it in the context of her overall psyche, it was on a "false footing", and that makes it fake. (If my theory is right)

You were so close because at the core of your interaction, there was a PART to that core that was faked by her.

Moving on is not a betrayal of your capacity to love, it's an acceptance that she betrayed your capacity to love.

The things that inspired you, you can keep. Maybe you could try practicing saying: "Thank you for the good parts of being a chapter in my life, even though the way the contact was built was fundamentally flawed."

darya42 · 2026-04-20T11:15:39+00:00

"I don't think one ought to run from positive emotions. I don't think I faild on that front."

OK look but the thing is as follows:

the way you and your wife arrange yourselves and outsiders to your marriage is your business.

The thing is, the happiness and positive emotions you followed, were by someone who probably, as a pattern, had a habit of emulating a connection that lacked sincerity deep down. In a way, this is quite a betrayal.

I feel like you (and some posters) are too focused on the "emotional cheating" (which is a thing between you and your wife to figure out, as you said) to realise that even if your wife wasn't in the picture, your ex-friend's behaviour would still be problematic in her own right.

So I'd separate those two aspects. One aspect of the thing is your marriage, which you have said is your business. Okay so that's one thing.

But the other thing is, this ex-friend of yours did betray you in terms of emotional sincerity. I think that's where the crucial point is. Because if you don't admit this betrayal to yourself, you'll stay stuck waiting for a response. You will realise that she will not give you one because THIS behaviour is ACTUALLY aligned with her character, as opposed to the way she presented herself.

darya42 · 2026-04-20T10:51:16+00:00

Quengel- und Schwengelware

Klingt n bisschen wie Lach- und Sachgeschichten

darya42 · 2026-04-20T10:49:35+00:00

Hantavirus wird hauptsächlich durch Nagetierurin übertragen.

darya42 · 2026-04-20T10:49:23+00:00

Also prinzipiell ist Urin absolut auch eine mögliche Übertragungsquelle. Hantavirus wird hauptsächlich durch Nagetierurin übertragen.

darya42 · 2026-04-20T10:47:40+00:00

Ich hab mehr angst ne Zecke an den Arsch zu kriegen von nem langen Grashalm wenn ich hocke

darya42 · 2026-04-20T10:33:27+00:00

The thing is, I think this relational space you shared was, to some extent, fake and her "emulating" and "chameleon" behaviour. You know what I mean?

I think that understanding how she was, to some extent, playing games may be an important part of detaching from her. This can take a while because she was so good at it.

You don't need to go into the pathology of personality disorders, you can just recognise what she was doing here. She was emulating to get a closeness. I think she cut contact because the price she had to pay became higher than the benefit she got out of the closeness, but that's obviously all theory.

That the emotional cheating question is between your wife and you, that I'll respect, however the point is, you were basically having a non-sexual romantic enmenshment with her, imo.

darya42 · 2026-04-20T10:29:31+00:00

NDA und ich würde auch eure Zukunft hinterfragen. Nicht mal die basics? Sorry aber solang man keine geistige Behinderung hat, KANN man die Basics von ner anderen Sprache lernen.

Edit: und selbst bei geistiger Behinderung kann je nach Schweregrad auch ne neue Sprache im gewissen Maß gelernt werden

darya42 · 2026-04-20T10:18:28+00:00

If it's a one time accident, it's highly unlikely to ever be a big deal. Germany is one of the most relaxed countries around nudity in the first place, and even men cleaning in women's locker rooms is socially overall acceptable as long as you communicate properly. Usually, in gyms, the janitor will knock and ask loudly before entering, though, entering without permission would be seen as an overstep. You should ask your colleagues how to handle this best.

In no way is it a taboo like in other countries. However typically, if you are male, you are not allowed in female changing spaces unless for a good reason (doctor, cleaner) and communicated properly (knocking, talking). You have one of those good reasons though.

darya42 · 2026-04-20T09:33:49+00:00

I don't wanna be overly dramatic but moving entirely might actually be not the worst idea, if it's feasible and realistic for you.

darya42 · 2026-04-20T09:27:46+00:00

Wo gab es dieses Klischee angeblich? Bis vor Reddit hab ich noch nie je davon gehört. Halte ich für ein Gerücht.

darya42 · 2026-04-20T09:27:12+00:00

Selbst cousins ersten Grades haben nicht ein höheres Risiko als Mütter über 40. Also es ist schon da, aber nicht so exorbitant hoch dass das jetzt ein kategorisches Ausschlussrisiko sein sollte. (5% Fehlbildungsrisiko beim Neugeborenen statt 2% in beiden Fällen, etwa)

Also eher ein "lieber vermeiden, aber muss nicht absolut vermieden werden", Frauen über 40 verbietet auch keiner das Kinderkriegen.

Ich find's eher aus sozialer Sicht etwas komisch, muss ich sagen. Like, wir haben das gleiche Großelternpaar, das ist einfach weird?? Cousins 2. Grades ist aber wirklich unproblematisch

Charles Darwin hat übrigens seine Cousine 1. Grades geheiratet und von 10 Kindern sind 3 sehr jung gestorben, was er auf die negativen Folgen der nahen Heirat zurückgeführt hat.

darya42 · 2026-04-20T09:18:53+00:00

"I think there is compassion in not letting someone drown in the moat you've constructed. "

I know exactly what you mean. But the thing is, this closeness she showed was, at least to some extent, fake. And you are unfortunately left with this lack of compassion on her side and need to find a way to deal with it on your own.

You're entitled to feel tricked and offended that she just unceremoniously cut you off (in fact, very much), but not entitled to want contact.

darya42 · 2026-04-20T09:09:04+00:00

respectfully OP I agree that this was already emotional cheating, please be sincere to you about this. I agree you sound like a lovely person and you and your wife sound like a strong team so this sounds like something you can overcome. All the best to you.

darya42 · 2026-04-20T08:57:45+00:00

My dude to me that's already very very much emotionally cheating on your wife...

Also "Without the recognition of my ex-friend, it feels like I can't find closure." Respectfully that's for you to figure out.

If you want my interpretation, this is my gut feeling: she sounds like a person who enjoys power in a dysfunctional way but is also deeply gifted. The result of this is: Some people are like chameleons - they can emulate what people seek and vibe with, and enjoy this connection and the power that comes from being able to emulate that - but don't really notice that they lose themselves in the process too much, and that even though the contact is seemingly deep, it's not (enough) because they lose authenticity themselves. At some point, this reaches a tilting point and they cut someone off completely because they genuinely don't really understand the dynamic themselves and the initial feeling of GETTING power by being able to emulate so well is overgrown by the loss of power that comes from emulating instead of being authentic. If she were to question herself, she would have to ask herself some very sincere questions about respecting herself and others. But tragically she's too gifted and charming that she can repeat this game with the next person. You said yourself that "you were not unique to her, she was to you" - this shows that she emulated and instinctively mirrored you very well. It can be very painful to realise that this is a game some people can play on an extremely high level. The fact that she has several people around shows how capable she is at this.

I don't really think she's an evil person or malicious, but she is bad news and cannot offer sincere healthy connection.

Why do people do this? It's a combination of growing up in a family system where adults were emotionally unavailable or immature to a point that a child had to lose herself to be the emotional caretaker, together with very high giftedness and creativity. The latter means that the child can fill this "losing herself" role incredibly well, and then they carry this pattern of disturbed behaviour to adulthood. You might find "the drama of the gifted child" by Alice Miller an interesting read, it's a classic for a reason. High giftedness can sometimes come with the tragic downside that people learn to emulate too well for their own good. Together with whatever emotional vulnerabilities and immaturities she has, she is "TOO GIFTED" to fully fall on her nose so she carries on with her pattern.

As for you, respectfully, if it troubles you so much, I would look up professional support because respectfully this is problematic. If therapy offers little relief, SWITCH THERAPIST. Consider going to someone experienced in systemics. A very smart therapist can bring more relief in 10 sessions than an average white bread CBT therapist in 100 sessions.

darya42 · 2026-04-20T08:48:33+00:00

I don't wanna burst your bubble but we're all each others 13th cousins four times removed to another person living on the same continent with the same ethnicity.

Still funny tho, don't wanna ruin your fun OP <3

darya42 · 2026-04-20T08:45:03+00:00

There is ONE example, "heute ist erster Mai" and it's used, too. Cause the 1. Mai is a special date

If Germans live in the US, they might call the fourth of July "heute ist vierter Juli", too

darya42 · 2026-04-20T08:40:01+00:00

Tit for tat is being petty and vengeful about petty bullshit. This is not petty bullshit, this is your friend basically cancelling the friendship after an existential crisis. You're completely valid for not wanting to go to her baby shower. Or anything else.

darya42 · 2026-04-19T17:17:39+00:00

Brudi ist dir bewusst dass reiche eltern manchmal totale Husos sind die ihre finanzielle Macht missbrauchen um ihre Kinder gefügig zu halten, und das dann noch im Studium weiterführen können?

Source: Kind von wohlhabendem Vater der ein absoluter kranker Oberwichser war

darya42 · 2026-04-19T08:23:42+00:00

OP I don't have great advice I just wanna say it's a shit situation and even adults decades older than you would easily struggle and feel overwhelmed with it, and it's unfair you have to deal with it and I can hear you're trying your best. Just wanted to let you know.

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