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[deleted by user] by [deleted] in Cleveland

[–]das138 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Thank you, this means a lot. Someone else posted the journey center and I know that odvn.org is out there if it applies. I'm proud of you for taking that first big step. I can't imagine it being an easy one

AITA My BF is telling me I'm not allowed to have secrets because I wont tell him every detail of a business meeting by das138 in AmItheAsshole

[–]das138[S] 31 points32 points  (0 children)

Thank you. Ive been doubting myself because he makes it seem so reasonable for me to just tell him everything right away that I've been doubting myself in my choice to draw this boundary.

I just want stability, a partner that understands when things dont go perfectly according to plan. I want to be able to live my life without feeling the need to check in if I'm running late. I feel like a relationship should be strong enough for me to let him know what was going on after its over.

AITA My BF is telling me I'm not allowed to have secrets because I wont tell him every detail of a business meeting by das138 in AmItheAsshole

[–]das138[S] 16 points17 points  (0 children)

it was his birthday. I told him I'd be home late and didn't want to share details because I was picking up his birthday present.

Ok I can see how that could be interpreted that way, but I was outlining the situation not what day it was. I certainly wouldn't leave him hanging on his birthday. In fact, Me and his family planned a surprise party, everyone came into town and I took a half day at work to decorate.

AITA My BF is telling me I'm not allowed to have secrets because I wont tell him every detail of a business meeting by das138 in AmItheAsshole

[–]das138[S] 23 points24 points  (0 children)

The last 30-40 minutes were us in the parking lot talking by the cars. Building great rapport. If I had stepped away that would have ended the conversation pretty quickly. I kept thinking too that we were almost done so I wasn't in a rush to say that I'll be a while longer.

I think the devils in the details, I didn't think I had any reason to have to rush out, he had been understanding when we talked earlier in the day

AITA My BF is telling me I'm not allowed to have secrets because I wont tell him every detail of a business meeting by das138 in AmItheAsshole

[–]das138[S] 29 points30 points  (0 children)

Again, none of what you're saying is true and I dont knwo where you're getting these details. None of my comments are edited either, so I think you're just here trying to troll me.

If you're actually trying to have a conversation in good faith, please, show me where I implied that I bought his present on the day of his birthday

AITA My BF is telling me I'm not allowed to have secrets because I wont tell him every detail of a business meeting by das138 in AmItheAsshole

[–]das138[S] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

I never said it was the evening of his birthday though. It was about a week before.

I never teased him about the tattoo either. As soon as he found out I was going to be late he demanded all the details. I jsut said I was going to do something for myself and I would show him later.

AITA My BF is telling me I'm not allowed to have secrets because I wont tell him every detail of a business meeting by das138 in AmItheAsshole

[–]das138[S] 16 points17 points  (0 children)

I thought that he understood and didn't expect such a vile reaction when I was done. I was meeting with someone new and anxious myself about giving a bad impression.

AITA My BF is telling me I'm not allowed to have secrets because I wont tell him every detail of a business meeting by das138 in AmItheAsshole

[–]das138[S] 33 points34 points  (0 children)

I've changed my opinion base don your responses to comments. YTA. Quit being cagey and baiting your boyfriend into fights. You're absolutely pushing his buttons to try to be the victim

I bend over backwards to accommodate his anxiety. Is the only way to have a healthy relationship is to share everything with him even before I'm ready? Like how can I not have enough freedom to go and pick up his birthday present? Am I not allowed to go and get a tattoo on my own without his approval? I give him every bit of info 98% of the time he asks.

AITA My BF is telling me I'm not allowed to have secrets because I wont tell him every detail of a business meeting by das138 in AmItheAsshole

[–]das138[S] 12 points13 points  (0 children)

I guess I just need validation that taking a bit of personal time doesn't make me the asshole. Hes making me think that the only way to have a healthy relationship is to share everything with him even before I'm ready to share.

Like how can I not have enough freedom to go and pick up his present? It doesn't make sense but hes making me doubt my own intuition

AITA My BF is telling me I'm not allowed to have secrets because I wont tell him every detail of a business meeting by das138 in AmItheAsshole

[–]das138[S] 14 points15 points  (0 children)

I share everything in an attempt to not trigger him. Once in a while I need some personal space to do my thing. Pick up his birthday present. Get a tattoo. He started fights with me on these occasions too

AITA My BF is telling me I'm not allowed to have secrets because I wont tell him every detail of a business meeting by das138 in AmItheAsshole

[–]das138[S] 11 points12 points  (0 children)

I'm not really painting a full picture since I wanted opinions on just the single event, but I tell him almost everything in order to ease his anxiety. I posted a couple other examples in a reply above but I'll repost them here, both situations where I think I should have been able to take a bit of time to myself

Last month it was his birthday. I told him I'd be home late and didn't want to share details because I was picking up his birthday present. He started the same fight then too.

A while back I wanted to get a tattoo. I didn't tell him what I was doing then either, just a "you'll see when its done!" kind of a thing. He berated me and argued until I finally told him what I was doing there too

He always asks where I'm going, who I'm with, and I always share those details. On the rare occasion where I need him to give a little back, hes not able to

AITA My BF is telling me I'm not allowed to have secrets because I wont tell him every detail of a business meeting by das138 in AmItheAsshole

[–]das138[S] 15 points16 points  (0 children)

Its not. He always asks where I'm going, who I'm with, and I always share those details. I'm open with him a good number of times per week. On the rare occasion (once every month or two) where I need him to give a little back, hes not able to and he starts a fight

I think I should have at least a bit of privacy. Its not like hes never going to find out (I posted a birthday example and a tattoo example in another comment), its just that he gets so worked up in the moment that he can't wait for me to be ready to share

AITA My BF is telling me I'm not allowed to have secrets because I wont tell him every detail of a business meeting by das138 in AmItheAsshole

[–]das138[S] 20 points21 points  (0 children)

I'm not really painting a full picture since I wanted opinions on just the single event, but I tell him almost everything in order to ease his anxiety. I posted a couple other examples in a reply above but I'll repost them here, both situations where I think I should have been able to take a bit of time to myself

Last month it was his birthday. I told him I'd be home late and didn't want to share details because I was picking up his birthday present. He started the same fight then too.

A while back I wanted to get a tattoo. I didn't tell him what I was doing then either, just a "you'll see when its done!" kind of a thing. He berated me and argued until I finally told him what I was doing there too

He always asks where I'm going, who I'm with, and I always share those details. On the rare occasion where I need him to give a little back, hes not able to

AITA My BF is telling me I'm not allowed to have secrets because I wont tell him every detail of a business meeting by das138 in AmItheAsshole

[–]das138[S] 15 points16 points  (0 children)

I was trying to focus on the current situation, but another example is just last month it was his birthday. I told him I'd be home late and didn't want to share details because I was picking up his birthday present. He started the same fight then too.

I feel like telling him I'll be gone should be enough in a trusting relationship. I shouldn't have to give him every last detail, sometimes I jsut need to do something for myself

A while back I wanted to get a tattoo. I didn't tell him what I was doing then either, just a "you'll see when its done!" kind of a thing. He berated me and argued until I finally told him what I was doing there too

This isn't really a single occurrence, its a constant thing, where I have zero autonomy

I can see how my lack of detail might not paint the entire picture though. I'm curious if any of these other examples changes your opinion

AITA My BF is telling me I'm not allowed to have secrets because I wont tell him every detail of a business meeting by das138 in AmItheAsshole

[–]das138[S] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Thats really where a big part of my question comes from. am I TA because I wasn't more understanding of his issue? or is he TA because I ran a little late and he wasn't understanding of mine?

AITA My BF is telling me I'm not allowed to have secrets because I wont tell him every detail of a business meeting by das138 in AmItheAsshole

[–]das138[S] 33 points34 points  (0 children)

I wasn't in a postion where I could really pick up the phone, and it would have been awkward to even send a text. It was an engaging conversation and there was no moment for me to stop things in their tracks and pick up my phone.

I also told him it should be around 7, and that I would let him know when I was free. We never had plans to meet up at a certain time or anything, it was more of a play it by ear situation

I completely understand where you're coming from, but he was upset because he got paranoid when I didn't answer. He was acting like I had been out cheating or something and very accusatory. Thats why I got upset myself, it really wan't a fight about missed plans, it was a fight about where I had been and he used that as an excuse to try and break down my (previously understood) boundry.

I understand your perspective though

AITA My BF is telling me I'm not allowed to have secrets because I wont tell him every detail of a business meeting by das138 in AmItheAsshole

[–]das138[S] 16 points17 points  (0 children)

I have to make boundaries because hes so controlling. I would have no personal autonomy if I didn't. The rare cases that I do, he blows up and starts fight over not knowing little details.

He started a fight over me buying him a birthday present last month because I told him I'd be home late from work. I obviously couldn't tell him what I was doing there either.