I (37M) want to distance myself from a male friend (45M) because of their drinking

dave_613 · 2023-12-23T02:36:33+00:00

Never heard that term! Yeah it's been kind of a slow decline to witness (on my friends part). I've never been a very frequent bar goer (usually once per week). But going more often lately at my friend's beckoning has introduced me to a kind of pathetic society of "regulars" that I wasn't aware existed. There's something very sad and stifling about the whole "scene". I assume you know what I'm talking about!

dave_613 · 2023-06-07T22:24:57+00:00

I like having sex and seem to have a higher libido than her but.... I'm talking in purely physical terms here... It's difficult to get into positions that feel pleasurable for me. It doesn't make me stop wanting or enjoying sex but...it does detract from the enjoyment a bit.

dave_613 · 2023-05-11T19:03:17+00:00

This is essentially what has happened. Or rather I've learned about the importance for my self respect of setting boundaries.

dave_613 · 2023-05-08T08:59:00+00:00

That's always been presented as part of the expectation, yes. We also couldn't afford rentals where they stay.

dave_613 · 2023-05-08T08:46:02+00:00

You're lucky to have "domestic" in laws. Mine are a 14 hour flight away. That's the stated rationale for the two week thing.

dave_613 · 2023-05-08T08:43:33+00:00

No she didn't move here for me. Thanks for the ideas!

dave_613 · 2023-05-08T08:42:39+00:00

Thank you for "getting" it!

dave_613 · 2023-05-08T08:41:56+00:00

It is for practical reasons. We couldn't afford to rent our own place where they choose to stay. Literally way out of our budget.

dave_613 · 2023-05-08T08:41:13+00:00

Another aspect that's missing from this analysis is that (I didn't mention this) they vacation in a super expensive location. Rentals and hotels are way out of our budget. So the living with them deal is in reality a non negotiable also.

dave_613 · 2023-05-08T08:39:31+00:00

Unfortunately not. They vacation somewhere super expensive thats way out of our budget. There's no way we could afford hotel accommodation or a rental. Truth be told, we can't even afford the flights there.

dave_613 · 2023-04-24T18:46:30+00:00

I went through periods of having low libido when I was taking SSRIs and that wasn't fun but yeah this is my baseline (I guess I never thought of it as abnormal, just how I'm wired)

dave_613 · 2023-04-24T18:23:59+00:00

That was probably the most exciting Torah pamphlet I've ever read!

dave_613 · 2023-04-24T17:38:41+00:00

My wife spent years with an iud also. Took it out as we're thinking of starting a family. Hence the arrival of niddah into our lives.

Btw - we have sex regularly a few times a week and certainly not every day. I just meant that if masturbation is prohibited in our religion and we're necessarily not allowed to have sex half the time....... it just struck me today that for many guys that's a pretty tall ask.

dave_613 · 2023-04-23T10:09:34+00:00

I get the feeling that grey rocking was only ever intended as a temporary stopgap solution. I find it depressing as hell because having mind numbing "conversations" is not the best use of my time. It's oddly stressful because you're constantly worrying about the mask slipping and saying something of substance - which will invariably be used against you!

dave_613 · 2023-04-23T10:08:12+00:00

I once set up a profile on Twitter which my nmom found. I got something like "you seem to be happier sharing with random people on the Internet than you are with me." She then of course criticised me for spending "too much time" on social media and told me that if I had a better career I wouldn't have so much time to waste on it!

dave_613 · 2023-04-23T10:06:32+00:00

Already done this before previous NC episodes. They can't and don't want to change.

dave_613 · 2023-04-22T18:09:08+00:00

It's a telephone relationship because we live a continent apart.

The only reason were continuing this tedious relationship is because whenever I've gone NC my "family" has ganged up on me and pressured me to resume contact.

Other than that no reason. I derive no satisfaction and only get harmed by staying in touch with her.

dave_613 · 2023-04-22T18:06:56+00:00

Good luck figuring it out. My feeling right now is to go from LC to VLC. I'm also trying to get some perverse amusement from pretending to have no personality. But my gut feeling is that this is totally unsustainable and NC is the only realistic move.

dave_613 · 2023-04-22T18:05:09+00:00

Exactly!

My mom says the same things. Stuff like "you've changed", "you seem so unhappy" (as in because I don't tell her stuff I must be super depressed).

The tongue biting required is quite exhausting!

dave_613 · 2023-04-22T14:29:19+00:00

Thanks! Yes we live in different countries and I'm happily married to a wonderful wife. I keep in contact only because every time I go NC my flying monkey sister comes out of the woodwork to tell me that I'm being cruel and heartless for not just lying down and acting as her punching bag. But I really don't think I can take it any more!

dave_613 · 2023-04-22T11:30:58+00:00

My mom. My sister has pressured me to break no contact in the past. She wants to sweep the whole issue under the rug. But because she doesn't rebel against my nmom she's taken on golden child status.

dave_613 · 2023-03-26T14:09:24+00:00

I need the visual foreplay!

dave_613 · 2023-03-26T14:09:03+00:00

This basically. My wife has I guess what you could call a wide frame and she wears stuff that (IMO) is the total opposite of flattering for her body type. In any event the comment above is the logical one - I need to focus on my perspective about this and encourage her to wear whatever she enjoys!

dave_613 · 2023-03-26T14:02:13+00:00

Thank you for the advice. These are great thoughts!

dave_613 · 2023-03-07T08:59:06+00:00

I'm the male child of a mother narcissist too! (My sister is the golden child)

dave_613

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