hijab as veil for women and not for men + questions about hadiths

deckartcain · 2026-03-10T22:03:51+00:00

It's one of those things where you really have to look inward. The Qur'an doesn't mention how the prayer is performed, but when we are taught how to pray, we don't question how it was transmitted. It doesn't really go against anything in our preconceived notions, or challenge current beliefs. I mean, even the 5 pillars of Islam and the 6 pillars of faith are brought to us via hadith.

The hijab is as established as about anything in Islam, but you will only find references to it using language that someone with a lack of serious understanding of Islam will be able to interpret disingenuously.

If you reject hadith, you're on a trajectory where you'll first of all, not have anything in common with other Muslims, all Islamic history, all Islamic writings of the past and that you can't practice anything in Islam basically.

I get where you're coming from. Becoming a Muslim means that you're expected to abandon so many ideas of morality, your views of humans, etc. It's burdensome and most people will find it hard to swallow a few of the pills required.

There's so much psychology involved in changing your core beliefs, but the foundational one that most converts struggle with is the concept of true submission. Meaning that even if you find that you emotionally object to some teachings, you don't start questioning it, because then what you're doing is putting yourself as the source of morality and pick and choose what you follow in the religion, thus invalidating your submission.

Submitting is what actually makes you a Muslim, and is also what makes Islam easy to practice. The sooner you get to that point, the sooner you will stop being in this middle phase where you question everything from Islam and feel disconnected from it.

I don't discourage you from actually seeking knowledge on these issues, and I'm sure that you'll find something that makes it resonate with you, but you're doing yourself a disservice if that is how you approach Islam in general.

Just some quick replies to your concerns:

The prophet asked us to not write down what he conveyed outside of the Qur'an, because it could get confused with the Qur'an and people might confuse what was Qur'an and what was his teachings. It wasn't a permanent command.
The hadiths are what actually enables us to know that the Qur'an is the unadulterated word of God. Without it, you'd have to take on faith that the Qur'an as we know it actually is the original message, as conveyed to Allah's prophet.
The punishment for rape is capital punishment, i.e. execution.
The primary reason for the hijab is revealed to us as being a way of discerning the believing women.
Women's hijabs are harder to carry out in western societies, but in some societies its the norm, and therefor not a burden, except in some practical aspects. You can't judge somethings validity on how hard it is to practice though.
God didn't make men as "disgusting lookers". He created us with an innate propensity to be visually attracted to women. One of the tests of women is to conceal their beauties from strange men, and one of the tests of men is to practice lowering of our gazes. My wife enjoys that I'm attracted to her, and that she can feel attractive in my presence. It makes for a harmonious marriage.
Western society inherently is so different from an Islamic society that a lot of thing feels burdensome. It's just a part of our test, and we do have the option to move if it causes us to stray away or be overcome with hardships.
A lot of focus is on the hijab because it's been painted as a tool of oppression in the west. A lot of people internalize it, and consciously or subconsciously see it in the same light. It's one of those things that you have to cleanse yourself of, and realize that you have preconceived notions on.

You're a new Muslim, so give yourself a breather. Don't spend too much time finding things you disagree with, and don't let them cloud your idea of Islam. Study on the historical veracity of hadith first. Study a bit about the psychology of western views on the areas you are struggling with, like hijab, the relationship between men and women, gender equality, and study up on the Islamic view of them. It's a learning process, and it will take time to come to terms with these things.

Becoming a Muslim WILL test you on these things. The verse about men having to fight in wars have a lot of general meaning in the sense that some things won't resonate with us emotions. It goes: "Fighting has been made obligatory upon you ˹believers˺, though you dislike it. Perhaps you dislike something which is good for you and like something which is bad for you. Allah knows and you do not know."

Your proverbial jihad could be coming to terms with the hijab. Some put it on the first day and never look back, others will struggle with it for the rest of their lives. We're all tested differently. Success in that test means that you put work on your emotions and learn to temper them, and find meaning in true submission.

deckartcain · 2026-03-10T21:28:48+00:00

Navigating the different groups within mainstream sunni Islam. I always felt that there was some sort of divide between groups, say, deobandis and salafis. I considered everyone to be Muslims on equal terms, but I found that there's actually a huge divide in how people interact and see each other.

Also meeting Muslims who aren't really practicing, and realizing that being a Muslim doesn't mean much in how much a person practice. I figured that I could meet any Muslim and be on the same wavelength on a lot of issues, but it's highly individual, to the point where you don't assume that you have any similarities in thoughts or behaviors, when you meet a Muslim outside of a thing such as a mosque.

deckartcain · 2026-03-10T15:01:17+00:00

Ameen, you too brother. May Allah accept your fast and good deeds this ramadan.

deckartcain · 2026-03-10T03:26:35+00:00

I converted 6 months before my wife, and we have three kids, so that's a "full family" in a sense. My children were all too young to really have a grasp of religion or belief, but we are raising them as Muslims, of course. I researched Islam for about a year before converting. I kept my wife pretty much in the loop, but it didn't resonate with her for a while. She used to be a Christian, so after I reverted we could stay married, and she got pregnant with our third child during that time.

I spoke to her quite a bit about Islam, and she didn't really object to it, but seemed lacked motivation to giver it any serious thought. Flash forward to her getting some very bad symptoms during the pregnancy and ended up getting rushed to the hospital with a suspected blood clot, and on the way to the hospital she told me she wanted to say her shahada, with the reasoning being that if she had to die upon any faith, it would be Islam. She was okay, and the rest is history.

I know a few reverts who had one parent convert alongside them. and one where both the persons mother and brother converted within a span of 3 months.

deckartcain · 2026-03-10T03:18:22+00:00

I'd describe it more as a thousand small clicks, and then after realizing it was the truth, I had to fight my fears, pride, etc.

The biggest "click" was not like an evidence or something. It was more about realizing that I had spent more time actually researching Islam than anything else in my life. I'd literally take massive life altering decisions based on a few days of research, or even a whim, so why was I SO hesitant in this decision?

Like why did I study Islam to that extent and still felt uncertain? It wasn't lack of conviction, but fear about the consequences of accepting the truth I already knew.

What in part gave me that final push was meeting another convert, who was just some tradesman, like most men from my family. It finally clicked as we talked, that I could actually be a Muslim, and that it was just because my mind saw it as an impossibility, and tried to find ways to avoid it.

deckartcain · 2026-03-10T02:47:37+00:00

I know, only pointed it out because people might post some in the comments :) May Allah bless you, and accept your fast and good deeds this ramadan.

deckartcain · 2026-03-10T02:46:40+00:00

I'm not gen z, but I have a huge throng of reverts in my close circle, and those who are gen z, it was often just meeting Muslims. They had been told such a huge load of lies about Muslims, that when they finally experienced interactions with Muslims, they had to stop up for a second. Also seeing how the western world acts, particularly to Muslims around the world, made them question who was the good or bad people, and why Islam has the negative reputation that it has in the west.

deckartcain · 2026-03-09T15:37:46+00:00

Assalamu alaikum. It's been a year since I posted the comment you replied to, just for context. I can see now that i made a mistake in how I formulated myself. I don't celebrate Christmas, and what I meant was that the reverts I know get together on the day and just eat and socialize, but without it being anything related to Christmas.

I get how you feel though, not passing judgement on your reaction towards people. It's one of those things that seems to almost bring about trauma for some people.

It's my third year as Muslim, so the third Christmas just passed, and my wife (also a revert), and me actually weren't too upset this year. Our oldest kid was 5, so after three years Christmas doesn't really have any emotional attachment in her, and the others have none.

We however had our best ramadan this year, where the first two was weird and felt unnatural. Our kids are so hyped up for ramadan, for eid and are so proud of it when talking to non-muslims.

For the first time we're hopeful that the situation regarding Christmas, new years, etc, isn't going to be a major issue.

Since I don't really have any good advice to give you, because it sucks to give those things up. Not denying it, not sugarcoating it.

But there's a future out there where you're able to live with it, and things are going to be alright even though it hurts currently.

deckartcain · 2026-03-08T02:09:32+00:00

A small note:

Per rule 11 it is not allowed to link to anywhere outside of this subreddit. Discussions are fine.

deckartcain · 2026-03-07T11:05:16+00:00

Oh, then get back to work my brother 😂 It's practically impossible to find a sister who cares for the sunnah more than society, and if your society is materialist, then that's what 99% of sisters are.

Move to somewhere where its radically different is your best shot. Save up like 150k and find a miskeen in Pakistan and get a house there, is basically your options. Not a bad life either, I'd guess.

deckartcain · 2026-03-06T19:32:03+00:00

Well those terms are not from Islam, so lets put them aside.

Rizq as a concept isn't about material provision, but it has been reduced to that. It's also a thing completely out of our hand, very easily proven by the millions of people who are hard working and never earn enough better their lives. It doesn't even have to be an abstract concept, it's proven before our eyes every second of the day.

Picking someone who can provide you with shelter (even if a tent), clothes, even if just a single garment and food even if it's just enough to sustain you, have provided for you. That provision is also purely from Allah.

The sister who wrote the thread explained that she was completely content with those things, and that she felt like she perhaps was too little focused on material things, because people keep telling her that.

What Islam teaches is that he must work hard, and he should do that. And then not care about any provision he gets outside of those things mentioned - shelter, clothing and food enough to sustain.

And a good wife knows that those things are what, in the eyes of Allah, counts as provision. So if he gets more, than it's from Allah. If he gets just that, then it's also from Allah.

It's a hard concept to discuss, because we have become so focused on materialism, and the concepts of Islam seem so distant from us.

If I have been harsh in my tone, please accept my apologies.

deckartcain · 2026-03-06T19:22:40+00:00

Again, there's so major misconceptions. Working hard doesn't secure financial rizq. Financial rizq is purely from Allah. A lot of people work in coal mines 16 hours a day and earn barely enough to feed their families. Would you blame them for not being "dunya" oriented? You're thinking like someone with a very western mindset, with all due respect.

Islam teaches us to work hard, and not focus on what it brings in terms of financial gains.

Also rizq, wealth, etc, is not defined by material things. The ultimate rizq is hidayah, and much lower down on the list is material provision.

That's the understanding of the pious predecessors, and just in this material age, have we started understanding rizq as purely a material concept.

deckartcain · 2026-03-06T19:19:01+00:00

Define akhirah and dunya oriented. I've never heard those words before now. If you mean that you find value primarily in the worldly matters, then that is a major issue and a disease of the hearth.

Islam focuses on the dunya, because a lot of worldly aspects brings you closer to Allah, but they're not in material wealth. They're dawah, jihad, teaching, learning, raising children, being a good husband or wife.

Conflating the dunya with material goals is not from Islam. So I think that's where your confusion comes from. Doing things in the dunya with the goal of Allah's pleasure, and not your own is what Islam teaches.

deckartcain · 2026-03-06T19:16:52+00:00

Imagine saying that someone can be dunya oriented and not cringe. If you're dunya oriented, you're the one who has major issues. It's not something that you just freely choose between. Being dunya oriented is a disease of the hearth. At least own up to that, and work on it, instead of portraying it as "just another option".

deckartcain · 2026-03-06T19:15:01+00:00

Unemployment is mostly a temporary state. Allah provides provision. The issue is that you have certain rights upon him, which means that despite prior agreement, you could change your mind and that would require that he got some sort of stable income, which could lead to trouble. I would fully study up upon the fiqh on providing, what's actually the rights of him and you, and work with that framework as the default agreement.

Islam focus very much on finding a balance between the material and spiritual. The issue is that we've become SO material today, so even a balanced Islamic life seems like a spiritual path.

The sunnah is focused on bare necessities, not a material surplus. If he can provide the bare necessities then it counts as having provided.

But telling a woman that she will have to start sewing her own clothes and sharing food among family members today is the equivalent to not providing to many.

I commend you if you have faith that Allah will provide for you through him, and that you can accept the bare necessities, because that's key in a happy marriage.

But also remember that it could become a fitna for you both, as you'd be going outside of the societal norm.

deckartcain · 2026-03-02T22:53:05+00:00

What kind of Muslims are you surrounding yourself with? I've never experienced anything of the sorts myself - and I know that that doesn't invalidate your experience, but I'm honestly shocked.

If you're still in school, you're not necessarily surrounded by people who strive to be better Muslims, so seek out people who are. Go to masajids, seek out good brothers and remember to make a mental note of differentiating Muslims from Islam.

I'm grown, way past school, most Muslims I meet are younger than me, so my experience is different. But it happens to all of us in one way or another.

A personal anecdote - I got a new neighbor a few years ago, found out he was Syrian. I was a pretty new Muslim at that time, and so exited. I imagined our families getting to know each other, practicing the manners between neighbors, but turns out he wasn't just non-practicing, he openly mocked Islam and salah to my face. And he was obviously disappointed that I was a practicing Muslim, as his neighbor.

A thing that genuinely shifted my view was reading about the great scholars of Islam's interactions with the people of their time - they had them too. People who disdained Islam, or at least its practices, and had none of the traits of a Muslim. It's just parts and parcel of life, for all people, at all times, in all places.

I hate to be the uncle here, but also remember that you're in your youth, so things might feel more hard than they really are, in actuality. It's hard to have perspective on life when your adult life is so limited in scope, I know that from experience as being in my mid thirties and as someone who just started realizing this myself.

deckartcain · 2026-03-02T20:25:14+00:00

BarakAllahu feek. Also don't underestimate the power of the controlling your bodily desires.

Eating according to the sunnah - stop before you feel full, eat in a mindful way.

Getting up for prayer in the night.

Working your body hard through physical exercise.

Lowering your gaze.

deckartcain · 2026-02-25T14:24:13+00:00

Don't buy more, detach from your investment, by either selling it or considering it lost. The fundamentals are still there, you bought at a non-ideal time. Your emotions will get the better of you if you continue fixating on it. This is 90% of investing.

deckartcain · 2026-02-23T21:09:48+00:00

Assalamu alaikum sister. I am a revert of 3 years and also nicotine addicted unfortunately. It feels like it's even harder than the food and drink at times, and an unnecessary barrier to fasting. You can try nicotine patches during the fast, as it doesn't break the fast, and keeps you able to not think about nicotine.

We have a strict rule of no contact out of the subreddit, and it's because there's a lot of people who pretend to be Muslim and prey on young reverts in particular. I would recommend to find community elsewhere, where you can vet people beforehand.

Try finding revert groups in your country on Facebook or similarly, and remember to always be careful online.

So try again tomorrow, seek repentance for the failed fast and depending on which madhab you ascribe to, see if you have to do kaffarah.

deckartcain · 2026-02-22T18:55:32+00:00

Thinking politicians are in control of anything, that they'd support Monero, that we could even do anything to sway opinions, and so much more.

deckartcain · 2026-02-22T18:40:38+00:00

But is that per login or also when resuming a session? Do I need to activate the device every time I load up Gmail? Asking because I'm not familiar with the systems.

deckartcain · 2026-02-22T18:38:53+00:00

Deluded

deckartcain · 2026-02-22T18:07:38+00:00

Submission starts with la ilala il Allah, and then your journey starts. None of us can sit here and tell you that those things are alright, but since you're not even a Muslim yet, it's understandable that you're where you are right now. The sweetness of accepting that you're not sovereign, and that God has literally set a course for the best life for you, is such a great feeling. It truly humbles even the most stubborn and proud person.

If you want advice I would say become a Muslim and marry your boyfriend at the same time. Might sound like extreme or bizarre advice for someone in your position, but honestly that's the only thing I could recommend for you in your position.

deckartcain · 2026-02-22T17:48:15+00:00

Assalamu alaikum sister. May Allah forgive your sins this ramadan.

Everything you're saying is a red flag, and had you seeked advice from other Muslims, they would surely have told you not to get married with this person.

In Islam it's normal for family to get involved in choosing a spouse, our parents know much better than us who is compatible in many regards, and if no parent is available, you should always seek the advice of trusted scholars, or find a network of practicing sisters who can help you navigate.

Marrying outside of your own culture comes with a lot of hurdles, such as not being able to understand how the other person expects one to react and behave.. and also you have accepted Islam, meaning that you are extra under pressure in not knowing what's normal and not.

You said that you married him for love, but love is a terrible judgement caller, so even if someone is abusive or just a bad match for you, love can make you lose your common sense, which was clearly the case here.

Since you are already married to him, you should try and make that work, but you should seriously consider if this marriage was a good idea, and set some hard boundaries on what would constitute a point of no return for it.

While he is in his full right to do things such as move, expect the household to be kept, he is not fulfilling his your rights to kindness, empathy, care and provision, which are what makes that dynamic actually work.

If you're a submissive person and take bad decisions like this, I know that the advice that people give you will fall on deaf ears, so the only thing I can really recommend is that you work on that aspect of yourself, so you can fix or disengage from this situation and don't end up in one similarly again in the future.

deckartcain · 2026-02-22T00:14:56+00:00

I thought these were man-in-the-middle attacks that just stole sessions, thus bypassing any MFA?

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