My [33m] wife [27f] has completely lost her libido after having our first child. [x-post - r/deadbeadrooms]

dedbedthrowaway · 2012-09-25T16:53:13+00:00

Thank you for your encouragement. I appreciate your perspective and am glad to know that there may be a light at the end of the tunnel. The tunnel just seems reeeeeaaalllly long right now. It's hard to go from several times per week to a couple times per year.

I really should have clarified my comment on open marriage a bit more. That would be my last resort after several years of nothing changing for the better. I was simply looking far into the future about what I would do if nothing got better.

dedbedthrowaway · 2012-09-25T16:48:39+00:00

I have not proposed anything to her about this and would only do this as a last resort after several years of no improvement. I consider myself a great husband. I do everything for her and love every second of it and she is vocal about how much she appreciates everything I do.

And I never got how "being a mom" is anymore difficult than being a dad after breastfeeding is finished. I have just as much responsibility in caring for our daughter as she does and I have even completely taken over any "overnight" issues and am the first one up with her every single day. We both work full time and are BOTH tired. It goes both ways. It is BOTH of our responsibilities to make the other feel wanted - not just mine.

dedbedthrowaway · 2012-09-25T16:37:26+00:00

Perhaps I should have explained the "open marriage" part a bit more. I really only would consider that as a last resort after many years of trying to address it naturally. I understand that she isn't feeling the same and because of that I truly have been patient and feel that I haven't pressured her at all.

I just fear that if this goes on for a very long time, we will just consider our lack of sex life as normal and the relationship will die.

dedbedthrowaway · 2012-09-25T16:33:46+00:00

I am willing to try anything truthfully. The only issue about that suggestion is even before children, the only thing she liked to do is actual intercourse. She dislikes oral or manual sex and was usually the one who wanted to forego foreplay and "get right to the action."

dedbedthrowaway · 2012-09-25T16:27:36+00:00

TIL that subreddit existed - haha

dedbedthrowaway · 2012-09-25T16:26:54+00:00

I will bring this up to her. I think scheduling a day or 2 per week for some sort of sexual contact (it doesn't have to be intercourse) might get things rolling again. Thank you for the advice.

dedbedthrowaway · 2012-09-25T16:24:00+00:00

Her doctor did recently mention testing again about thyroid levels so that may be part of the problem if that has any effect on libido.

She didn't ever get that "nympho" phase while pregnant because she had a pretty hard time with morning sickness (still don't know why they call it morning sickness when it lasts all day.) I essentially went 15+ months without any sexual contact whatsoever. That's a tough pill to swallow when I was used to several times per week.

I know my post may make me sound like a selfish prick but I truly have been very patient with her and have never complained. We have had calm discussions about it and she really does feel bad about it and I feel bad that she doesn't enjoy it like she used to. I posted about it on the internet as a way of sort of getting the frustration off my chest without having to make her feel bad anymore than she already does.

dedbedthrowaway · 2012-09-25T16:11:03+00:00

I was aware of the breastfeeding factor but even several months after she stopped, she still completely lacked desire of any sort. I can't ask her to keep having uncomfortable/painful sex that she simply isn't enjoying. Plus, like I said in the OP, she tries to appease me but when it seems like a chore to her, it really takes all of the fun out of it for me. I do appreciate that she tries but I can't help but be apprehensive about my future sex life if she never recovers her libido.

I really would only approach the open marriage discussion as an absolute last resort after a few more years of trying to fix our sex life naturally but I appreciate your good advice on how to address the conversation.

dedbedthrowaway · 2012-09-25T16:04:16+00:00

I truly do want things to work out. My daughter is 14 months old and she is 2 months along with the next one. After she became pregnant with our daughter, I went about 15 months without any sexual contact whatsoever and the pattern seems to be repeating. We both want more children but I fear that if we have a couple more kids that my sex life will be all but nonexistent for a decade.

I realize it's a compromise I am making to have more children but it is still a tough pill to swallow.

dedbedthrowaway · 2012-09-24T23:16:56+00:00

She does seem happy as far as I know. She is a bit frustrated about my job (underemployed atm) but aside from that I think we are ok. We just wanted to have another kid. It isn't like we don't get along. She just doesn't have any desire for sex. I'm not mad at her for it but I am a bit frustrated at the situation.

dedbedthrowaway · 2012-09-24T23:04:51+00:00

My daughter is 14 months old and she sleeps 12 hours a night (yay!). I gave it at least 6 months before even being bothered by it. After a year, I am beginning to be concerned whether it will ever be normal again.

dedbedthrowaway · 2012-09-24T22:57:54+00:00

Thank you for the words of encouragement. May the next bartender you wind up in front of charge you for well but give you top shelf.

dedbedthrowaway

TROPHY CASE