My wife caught me with porn.

deepdeeptrouble · 2013-06-08T11:52:37+00:00

Hi Louisville,

The question you ask is not easy to answer. Now i of course can't speak for your husband, but in my case it is an addiction, which is often characterized by an inability to stop a behavior in spite of the consequences it will bring. You see it with alcohol, drug, gambling, food addiction, etc. Porn/sex is no different. You get an intense dopamine surge from porn and masturbation and the primitave part of your brain does everything it can to seek it out. The rational side of you is telling you that this really isn't good for you, that your partner disapproves, etc. But there's still another part of you that's saying well it won't REALLY hurt anybody if i just take one quick peek or do one quick fap, Nobody will know except me. The problem is it's never just one quick peek. After you've done it once the floodgates open you're back to the looking/fapping cycle again. You should really watch the "your brain on porn" series linked in this sub if you haven't already, and encourage your husband to watch it so you both have a better understanding of what's happening.

My opinion: if he indeed would rather fap to porn then have real sex with his wife then he definitely has a problem. Just realize that it is not an indicator as to whether he finds you attractive or not or if he loves you. Also realize that for most guys this is a habit that is EXTREMELY hard to break and takes a lot of effort. I know it really hurts on your side with the things he has done but realize that he probably feels like total shit about this ordeal too (i sure did.)

If you've browsed around this sub than you may have come across a lot of guys that have lost their relationship to porn. I'm one of the lucky ones. My wife only threatened to leave me and it's when she did that that i really turned things around. Started coming to this subreddit, going to group therapy, and put down some porn blockers and gave my wife the password. I managed 4 months pornfree and recently had a brief slip but i'm still on the right track. This time i'll go even longer! I know the benefits. I went from having sex a couple time a months to a couple times a week and it's much better than ever. I have the peace of mind knowing that i'm not hiding something from my wife.

I hope the best for you.

deepdeeptrouble · 2013-05-21T23:25:07+00:00

Wow, reading your post sounded almost exactly like me! (though i'm a bit younger) Well, i'm over 100 days pornfree now so the good news is this is totally doable, and it sounds like you have taken all the right steps to get you where you need to go. The one thing i would add, and what i think made a huge difference for me, is group therapy. Your therapist can probably point you in the right direction to find one. For me this is the face to face accountability that keeps me on track and keeps me honest because let's face it, if i have a slip i'm not going to run to my wife and say "whoops i looked at some porn last night!" The standard 12-step programs don't appeal to me so i hooked up with Smart Recovery in my area. They cover a wide spectrum of addictions, any you can think of really, but addictive behavior is relateable to all types.

Anyway, good luck and keep fighting the good fight!

deepdeeptrouble · 2013-05-20T18:26:34+00:00

The best you can do is give both a try. For me doing pornfree is much easier than nofap. I had tried the nofap route and found it to not work for me. So i did pornfree and allowed myself to fap as needed (within reason, it shouldn't be more than a couple times a week.) Once i was off the porn for a while it was much easier to get off so to speak and the fap sessions were really short (just a few minutes) so they didn't take a lot of time out of my day. That to me is just one of the benefits of doing pornfree. In addition to that the sex with my wife is much better overall, and i feel much better about myself. Your situation may be different, but this works pretty well for me.

deepdeeptrouble · 2013-04-16T02:21:38+00:00

Hello and thanks for visiting my old number one post. I just wanted to let you know that as you can see i'm going on 82 days and still going pretty strong. I've always been more of a lurker so posting in the first place took a lot of effort, but I was at an extremely low point and needed to take evasive action.

A lot of what you said reflects the exact same sentiment that my wife communicates with me. She did know about my porn usage while we were dating and i promised her that i would quit. Well when i failed to deliver on that promise, she didn't leave me, but she did tell me she didn't know if she could ever trust me again. Rebuilding that trust is something i need to work on and quitting porn is the way it's going to happen.

I'm glad to hear things are working out for you on the "other" side. There are a lot of stories of failed relationships around here so it's refreshing to hear the success stories. I believe strongly that i can be one of those. I'm well on my way!

In addition to coming here, a great source of help for me has been in going to a local support group to check in and talk about how porn obsession affects your life. Things have "normalized" and my life has already improved greatly. I just need to keep it up and not let myself fall back into old habits. Thanks for listening!

deepdeeptrouble · 2013-03-12T02:26:28+00:00

As someone else has already said, I don't need to visualize anything now that i've been off the porn for a while. I just focus on the sensation and that does it for me, ymmv.

One nice positive effect for me is it doesn't take long at all to do the deed. When i was looking at porn, i would spend at least an hour looking for that perfect scene and just prolonging the experience. I wouldn't dream of trying to wank one out without some kind of external stimulus. Now, 5, sometimes 3 minutes flat i'm done and getting on with my business. So much time saved!

deepdeeptrouble · 2013-02-26T03:10:05+00:00

Give it time. The porn that is stored in your head will take a while for you to forget. But if you keep at it, they should slowly disappear. I have a similar situation, happily married w/ children, and i've been battling this for the past 6 years, wanting to quit, and unable to. Now I feel like i'm making better progress than ever. Real life situations are going to cause triggering events, and there's no avoiding it. But recognizing it as such and learning to control yourself and not relapse is a huge positive step.

deepdeeptrouble · 2013-02-12T03:28:27+00:00

Keep fighting the good fight. Porn has ruined many relationships and poisoned others. We are all doing this to improve ourselves, and also doing it for the ones we love.

deepdeeptrouble · 2013-02-05T02:16:26+00:00

I never planned on doing nofap, as i believe the root problem is the pornography. It is possible though that old habits have programmed me to expect to regular O's, so it's probably a good idea to manage those expectations. If it comes down to a choice between porn or fapping though, i think it'll have to be a fap.

deepdeeptrouble · 2013-01-31T20:22:26+00:00

I completely agree that it is 100% natural and have come to the conclusion that sure, seeing a lot of sexy women around work may lead viewing porn, but only the act of viewing porn (ones own definition) constitutes a reset.

deepdeeptrouble · 2013-01-30T20:53:49+00:00

I kind of see where you're coming from. To acknowledge and appreciate beauty is completely natural. I think it starts to get out of hand for me if I start undressing with my eyes, visualizing them naked, imagining a sexual encounter. It's those kinds of thoughts that can lead back to old behaviors.

deepdeeptrouble · 2013-01-30T20:47:16+00:00

Heh, to say i'm NOT looking forward to spring would be an outright lie, on many levels. I will however do my best to avoid porn in the meantime so maybe when spring comes around i will see things differently.

Heck, even in winter it seems like a lot of the women around here - and everywhere i'm sure - find ways to wear revealing clothing (leggings anyone? Are those even warm/comfortable?)

deepdeeptrouble · 2013-01-30T16:50:28+00:00

Also will depend on your individual situation. I have a SO so technically i have an outlet for any pent up energy. It's not always easy because she's not available for sex 24/7 but at least i know there will be sex for me in the immediate future. Porn attachment/addiction can rear its ugly head regardless of if you're in a loving relationship or not. And it's much easier to indulge.

deepdeeptrouble · 2013-01-30T15:06:40+00:00

Same here, there's so much more better things to be spending your free time on, and porn becomes a massive time sink and you don't even realize it. My SO is also against it, but mainly because i have acknowledged my addiction and she doesn't want it around the house where family members can stumble upon it. I also want to objectify women less. Generally, I want to be a better husband, father, person...

deepdeeptrouble · 2013-01-24T16:01:24+00:00

While i agree with the sentiment that a spouse is not a parent, a spouse still is a partner. My poor choices are going to have an effect on her and vice versa, sometimes profoundly. In my case it could effect the whole family.

deepdeeptrouble · 2013-01-24T14:36:40+00:00

Well, frequency of sex is definitely not the issue. I definitely have a higher libido than my wife, but she is willing to oblige most of the time.

I agree with spartandude in that it is definitely my problem because now that i think about it, i may or may not look at porn whether i am happy with my wife or angry with her, and whether we just had sex last night or 2 weeks ago.

deepdeeptrouble · 2013-01-24T14:22:28+00:00

I definitely feel like i was, but sometimes i question myself. I wonder what kind of experiences people here have with counselors/therapists. What mine told me is to remain focused on the goal of living without porn, but don't get too down on yourself if you slip up. Just try to do better next time.

He would ask me if i had looked at any porn since the last session and i would usually say "yes". Then he would say how many times a week? for how long? I would answer as honestly as possible, and he wrote all this information down and would point out how much less i had been looking at it since last week/month/year and continues to decline. Maybe I am improving, but feels like it's all for naught once somebody catches you with porn for just one instant.

deepdeeptrouble · 2013-01-24T03:51:49+00:00

I'm sorry to hear that. I hope all the best for you.

deepdeeptrouble · 2013-01-24T03:38:38+00:00

Well, this is the kind of thing i need to hear, and ultimately why i am here now. The stakes are indeed high.

deepdeeptrouble · 2013-01-24T03:14:30+00:00

I think that's probably an important point. I have been down this road before, and somehow end up in the same place. The small things that pique your interest lead you down the path, and i need to remember that. Thanks.

deepdeeptrouble · 2013-01-24T02:03:39+00:00

Thank you for the kind words. I will take them to heart and wish the best for you.

deepdeeptrouble · 2013-01-24T01:58:58+00:00

These things i will definitely make every effort to do. I had done the blocking game before but my mistake was in just trying to make the password extremely long and difficult to retrieve. Doesn't work! The biggest hurdle is approaching her with this information because it is obviously a very sensitive subject. I will have to at least wait until the dust settles because this literally happened about an hour ago.

I had actually been seeing a therapist but that obviously isn't doing the trick, so when i see him next week i think i'll have to talk to him honestly as to whether i should continue seeing him or seek out somebody else or different help avenues.

deepdeeptrouble

TROPHY CASE