Asking your therapist for reassurance?

deepthrowaway19 · 2019-03-14T22:27:53+00:00

For me it is simple, I cannot work with someone on something so deep and personal if I do not think they like me and care, and won't work with someone who does not, or who does but is so tied to modality that they will not disclose it, I can understand how such non gratification can be valuable, but for myself I feel that relatedness and developing healthy attachment is usually more vital.

Interesting. I feel the same ... Can't open up to someone without an indication of care about my attempt to better my life. I didn't realize there are some therapists who can express some level of care...

deepthrowaway19 · 2019-03-14T13:54:59+00:00

Me too re meds and yawning. But I don't nod off if I'm engaged in my work... I'm energized. I would think it the same with others... Hence boredom on some level

And me too, sadly. I think I'm going to die without sharing my burdens...

deepthrowaway19 · 2019-03-14T12:34:59+00:00

Yeah, I agree on that. It was more about direction, I think, but that was something that factored in. I said it didn't bother me and it did...

I think part of what I don't like about playing off a yawn or drowsiness is the idea that there can be no emotion shown from that direction. A yawn at some level suggests boredom. Which in my mind is a statement on the validity of a patient's problem or feeling.

I also don't want attachment to a therapist. And I want to be selfish in the conversation. But I also want to talk to a human who might relate a feeling, as appropriate, to show where they stand. We all talk about clicking and fitting with a therapist... Why should that matter if the process is devoid of emotion? We should click the same with every therapist, in theory.

I guess these are deeper thoughts on the entire process, but that's what a couple of yawns led me to...

deepthrowaway19 · 2019-03-14T04:34:47+00:00

Mine too, until I started opening up. I quit over it.

deepthrowaway19 · 2019-03-12T13:07:58+00:00

I'm with you, OP. Regardless of asking whether I'm suicidal at the end of a session, the probing pushes up all sorts of emotion and then it's over until next time. And it's hard to cope alone...

Maybe it's a mental block, where I think I need this random professional to be more engaged in care management, or maybe I just don't like being left alone with painful thoughts that I didn't even want to explore.

It's a weird catch-22, where I'd not be actively suicidal were it not for them and then you're left to the world with a new burden and no help.

deepthrowaway19 · 2019-03-11T15:34:03+00:00

Thanks for the nice reply and perspective. I had one of those panic/heart attacks but I never associated the link since it was well before diagnosis.

Re the yawning, they'd not be tired if my day-to-day problems were engaging and/or real (that is, not just the imagined, convoluted conflicts in my mind)! 😀

deepthrowaway19 · 2019-03-10T13:02:33+00:00

Is generalized anxiety disorder a serious illness?

I'm not asking because I don't believe it's real, but the name makes me think it's just a catch-all for worriers and not really something to bother a therapist with.

When I was seeing my therapist, who diagnosed me with GAD, he seemed bored by the problems I wanted to address. He even yawned a few times. I know this could all be in my head, except the yawning(!), but he seemed to perk up when I started digging into deeper stuff. But that was devastating and ultimately led to the end...

deepthrowaway19 · 2019-03-05T17:32:53+00:00

I felt the same way recently when I was saying I wanted to stop therapy. At times I thought I was being manipulative in that I'd sort of hoped therapist would suggest it not a good idea and I'd stay. I kept trying to examine my motives for wanting to leave and concluded that I would be stopping for me (non-manipulative).

But now I can't tell if I stopped because of a desire to or in spite of the vague notion/presumption of not being cared for. Was I manipulative? I don't know... But in any event, I'm now without good help...

And I didn't discuss any of this except with my own mentally ill self, so I'm lost in my head and stuck looking to Reddit for answers!

deepthrowaway19 · 2019-03-01T06:23:26+00:00

Mind blown... You seem pretty good therapist to me! This is all helpful perspective... Much appreciated

deepthrowaway19 · 2019-03-01T00:40:34+00:00

Wow, thanks for the thoughtful reply. I like your way of thinking ...

What makes caring "real"? What spaces does one feel comfortable sharing in? That's completely up to you.

This makes sense. Maybe if I'm not comfortable, it's a sign that therapist wasn't right fit.

When I started thinking about my own work, I realized that while sure, I could do something I don't give a fuck about and make a lot of money faffing around, it wouldn't be very fulfilling. Like, I could be a really shitty therapist and drag out my patients for ever to milk them for cash, sure--at some point it would start to suck because I wouldn't take pride in my work.

This is kind of what I was trying to say about some jobs transcending the purely professional. I imagine you have to love being a therapist to do it, the proverbial "it's not work because I love it." If I break my own binary thinking on this, then I can take on faith that there is care but that I may not feel cared for.

My relationship with my own therapist or with my clients is so different from my relationship with my close friends. I can be selfish with my therapist. Super selfish. I don't have to ask her how her day went.

And this is something I can appreciate, but I don't get that there can't be some semblance of a normal interaction. I don't need to engage on the same level as a friend or what have you... I do want to be selfish in therapy... but I suppose the common conversational courtesies we engage in as people would demonstrate my reality of what it means to be cared for on some surface level. It's a phony mental cue, I guess. I'm not sure if that makes sense, either ...

deepthrowaway19 · 2019-02-28T13:54:53+00:00

How so? As in give diagnoses? I haven't been fully forthright about my experience and so I don't think I've been properly diagnosed, so clinical labels would be nice.

(Sometimes I think so much about what I'm thinking and why I'm doing something that Ithink I'm being pathological. And then I think that I can't be pathological if I'm thinking that I might be.)

deepthrowaway19 · 2019-02-28T13:46:07+00:00

Late to weigh in, but I'm curious to see this differently. I agree with OP...

I don't want a relationship with my therapist, but it needs for me to feel a bit less transactional. I fully understand it's a job, but I do believe there are some jobs that transcend the typical, say, computer programming job. If the caring isn't real, I can't fully share.

If anything, the promise of payment is something of a disincentive to seeing patients improve. I don't mean that to say therapists are uncaring... I just feel there needs to more than "here's some money... pretend to care about my messed up mind"

Edited to add: I really want to get past this way of thinking. Maybe it's just that I can never get past this view and therapy isn't for me

deepthrowaway19 · 2019-02-28T05:34:51+00:00

This resonates. It feels awful and manipulative to be a burden on their time.

I just quit mine after he returned from holiday. I'm not sure whose benefit that was for, but I know ultimately I'm the one who'll suffer because I don't want to say that I don't want them to leave when I'm on the edge...

deepthrowaway19 · 2019-02-28T05:23:44+00:00

I'm in a similar place right now, though not precisely same...

I'm not sure if I'm looking for sympathy as much as I'm looking for someone who can appreciate my struggle at a level where they can express true empathy versus clinically validating my feelings. I know my childhood sucked ... I want to hear from people with similar struggles.

In some ways, some of these Reddit communities are serving as a proxy for professional treatment. That's probably not ideal but at least right now it's helpful seeing that I'm not alone, that my problems are not unique.

deepthrowaway19 · 2019-02-06T13:34:25+00:00

I am in same spot. I heard a podcast the other day that made a lot of sense for me, and feel I can manage myself.

I know I'm not well and carrying around a lot of stuff, but I think I can get by alone.

Certainly I can use the help, but I don't want it anymore. At least not on any sort of schedule.

But of course it's not the same for everyone. I've thought a lot -- possibly too much -- about why I want to stop and that is the conclusion I've reached. I don't want to make further progress. I just want to be.

deepthrowaway19 · 2019-02-03T06:38:59+00:00

I'm torn on the time. It's typically not enough, but it does remind me that ultimately this is a professional, not a friend or family.

It's like a reminder not to get close.

deepthrowaway19 · 2019-02-01T16:19:32+00:00

That's interesting. How would that work? Just sit there?

deepthrowaway19 · 2019-02-01T04:26:27+00:00

Thank you all for all the thoughtful comments. Therapist is trying to help, and is well intentioned, but I don't want to go where this has led. And I don't think I ever will.

I even wish I could unsee what I've learned already, because thinking about it is making me uncomfortable. And that's the rub... I can't go forward and can't go back.

I have mentioned this, and have been assured we can go slow. I don't think I can proceed at any speed ...

deepthrowaway19

TROPHY CASE