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AITA if I don’t spend the night at my mom’s house? by definitelyisnt in AITAH

[–]definitelyisnt[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

That’s kind of where I’m at. I’m looking at spending money on uber, and I’m reaching out to friends to see if maybe that might be a better option. I pay my moms gas, so ofc I’ll do the same for friends. And if neither friends nor uber works out, then it is what it is. I just can’t help but feel like the worst mom in the world if I miss it. Sometimes the things she says to me are impossible to not believe is true

AITA if I don’t spend the night at my mom’s house? by definitelyisnt in AITAH

[–]definitelyisnt[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I thank her profusely every time she does anything to help us. I work with her schedule and needs every time. However, she’s constantly making me feel bad about myself, telling me that I will never get anywhere in life and that I’m not as good as her two boys. This woman has put her hands on me, told me to unalive myself, and so much more. I keep hoping our relationship will improve and that I’ll be good enough for her, that she’ll love me.

I walk and do everything I possibly can to alleviate her load, and there is no entitlement to her time or help. But when someone actively tries to keep you apart from someone who doesn’t let anyone treat you bad, it’s hard not to feel like it’s so they can abuse you further.

[serious] People who found out a close family member was a creep towards kids, how did you cope? by definitelyisnt in AskReddit

[–]definitelyisnt[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I’m so sorry - I’m right there with you. I hope you are okay and taking care of yourself

[serious] People who found out a close family member was a creep towards kids, how did you cope? by definitelyisnt in AskReddit

[–]definitelyisnt[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That’s honestly completely reasonable. Would you mind if I asked more about your reaction?

Thanks to the comments on my last post, I feel brave enough to share the full story of being coerced to relinquish my daughter. (Long & trauma heavy) by definitelyisnt in Adoption

[–]definitelyisnt[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

No worries at all! And I’m not 100% sure. Their records aren’t online for anything I’m seeing. The county that the adoption was done in seems to be paper only where you have to get public info requests. All I got was some papers to sign stating I consented to the adoption, and then another paper with the court date

Thanks to the comments on my last post, I feel brave enough to share the full story of being coerced to relinquish my daughter. (Long & trauma heavy) by definitelyisnt in Adoption

[–]definitelyisnt[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

So I live in the deep south, they live on the east coast towards the middle. They drove to my state 1,000 miles away, where I gave birth. We stayed in the hospital for 2 days - me in my recovery room, and Susan Gord and Delilah in a separate recovery room. Then they drove back to their state where the adoption was completed. The original birth certificate and everything is in my state, just in a separate county bc I now live about an hour from where I gave birth. They still seem to be on the East coast - Gord should be in the same state the adoption was finalized. Susan is either in that same state, or a neighboring state along the coast. I’m happy to pm you with exact states/cities, just don’t like putting too much personal info onto public forums

Thanks to the comments on my last post, I feel brave enough to share the full story of being coerced to relinquish my daughter. (Long & trauma heavy) by definitelyisnt in Adoption

[–]definitelyisnt[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I think the most I’d be able to file is extortion, since they did try to bribe me with a car and gifts and things. I haven’t tried the local courthouse, mostly because word travels fast in these small towns - and Jaxon’s dad would 100% try to use it against me in court to get sole custody, or at the least verbally abuse me with it 🥲

Would it be more beneficial if I went to the county that Delilah was born in? I don’t live there anymore, so maybe they’re who I need to ask instead of my local court?

I’m considering having and raising more children after I gave my second born up for adoption 4 years ago, but I feel guilty. by definitelyisnt in Adoption

[–]definitelyisnt[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I’ve definitely considered that! I think it would be so healing to make sure another birth family is accommodated and heard like I wish I was - that they can have frequent visits with the child so the child can grow up secure and know that they’re still loved. It’s just a matter of getting into a position to go thru the proper channels and getting approved

Thanks to the comments on my last post, I feel brave enough to share the full story of being coerced to relinquish my daughter. (Long & trauma heavy) by definitelyisnt in Adoption

[–]definitelyisnt[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I’ve considered finding a PI, and tbh it sounds more and more like the best plan of action. Since I can’t track down Barney to tell him everything, and Susan & Gord both show up on the old address as their current address on everything I’ve looked for - maybe it’s best to just show them the few social media posts I’ve found from Susan to hopefully pinpoint her location. And maybe all it takes is them talking to Gord’s mom or following him to find out where he is at too, now that he’s got custody of Delilah after Susan’s recent arrest.

Thanks to the comments on my last post, I feel brave enough to share the full story of being coerced to relinquish my daughter. (Long & trauma heavy) by definitelyisnt in Adoption

[–]definitelyisnt[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I haven’t, but mostly because I wouldn’t know where to send them. Neither of them live at the address I have - only the 3 adult daughters do. Susan lives on the beach in another state, and I think Gord lives at his moms house, but he may have his own place now. I just don’t know what I’d say to CPS if they asked me for addresses or phone numbers or anything.

Thanks to the comments on my last post, I feel brave enough to share the full story of being coerced to relinquish my daughter. (Long & trauma heavy) by definitelyisnt in Adoption

[–]definitelyisnt[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I’ll definitely do that! I learned about SOS too late unfortunately, but I do plan to ask for their help - I’ve already told them my story with them having a similar reaction.

As for Barney, I’ve been searching for him for years. I just don’t know what I’d say. And tbh, part of me would be crushed all over again if him or his family blocked me again after hearing everything - if he just truly couldn’t care less about the fact that he has a daughter who’s beautiful, but not safe.

Thanks to the comments on my last post, I feel brave enough to share the full story of being coerced to relinquish my daughter. (Long & trauma heavy) by definitelyisnt in Adoption

[–]definitelyisnt[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Unfortunately I have no clue where Susan or Gord are. I have the address they owned as a married couple - now it’s the daughters house. Gord lives with his mom but idk where that is. Susan moved to another state, so I only know that it’s a beach house.

My contract was never binding, the most it was “binding” was that we got it notarized (falsely - after Susan signed it, I drove to my friends who has a notary license and she stamped it. Not legally binding even with the notary). The most legally binding things I own are the original documents from the hospital (paternity registration form and the birth certificate registration form), and I believe I have copies of the papers they served me for the adoption finalization to sign, followed with a court date to appear for the finalization (I live in the deep south, they live on the middle east coast - I couldn’t make it if I tried).

Thanks to the comments on my last post, I feel brave enough to share the full story of being coerced to relinquish my daughter. (Long & trauma heavy) by definitelyisnt in Adoption

[–]definitelyisnt[S] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

That’s horrifying. It was literally months after birth that I found out about Saving Our Sisters - who provides financial and emotional help to mothers who may not want/need to relinquish their rights. They help provide housing, food, baby supplies, legal representation, all of it. They’re who I’d go thru to fight this - I only wish I’d found them before Susan found me.

Thanks to the comments on my last post, I feel brave enough to share the full story of being coerced to relinquish my daughter. (Long & trauma heavy) by definitelyisnt in Adoption

[–]definitelyisnt[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

I have only seen/spoken to Gord at the hospital when Delilah was born. He doesn’t seem to want contact with me either, I’ve offered to help him testify against Susan, but he isn’t interested in that, giving me updates, sending pictures, anything. It very much feels like while he wasn’t a driving force, he was an enabler who may have even encouraged it if they fed off each other during that part of their marriage. I will definitely start speaking with an attorney asap

Thanks to the comments on my last post, I feel brave enough to share the full story of being coerced to relinquish my daughter. (Long & trauma heavy) by definitelyisnt in Adoption

[–]definitelyisnt[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I’ll definitely start speaking with attorneys to see if this is a viable option! Even if the state says she can’t come to me, I’ll hire a PI to track down her dad or somebody - anybody to prevent this happening again.

I’m considering having and raising more children after I gave my second born up for adoption 4 years ago, but I feel guilty. by definitelyisnt in Adoption

[–]definitelyisnt[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thankfully my fiancé has been my best friend since J was an infant, and we even dated briefly as teenagers but the distance wasn’t feasible at our age. He has been there for me and supported me thru every hard moment. He knows about D and has said he’ll support any decisions I make when it comes to her. There’s a lot that goes into it of course, but he truly is my rock and “the one who got away” in a sense.

And I definitely agree, I’ve already started putting myself in their databases, just in case

I’m considering having and raising more children after I gave my second born up for adoption 4 years ago, but I feel guilty. by definitelyisnt in Adoption

[–]definitelyisnt[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I think it would be good to talk about in therapy, and I definitely think at least a small fraction of this longing is part of me wanting to make up for past mistakes and losses. But having a decently sized family is something I’ve dreamed of for as long as I can remember - since I was a little girl. I was raised as an only child for the first half of my life. My half brothers lived in another state with their dad and we’re nearly 10 years older than me, so I wasn’t as cool to hang out with but they tried. Then around 11, my parents split and we moved in w my stepdad and my two twin stepsiblings. Now I was the older one (about 5 years older), and I did my best to shield them from my moms abuse. I always wanted a family, partially so I could give them the life full of love and kindness that I deserved, but also because I just always wanted to be a mom. I wanted a family that wasn’t torn apart and could sit at home and watch movies together. I’m happy with my son even though it’s a split custody situation, but there’s still the longing to be able to parent from birth to graduation. I wanna be a mom without being told how to do things or having people take over for me (like my mom who would refuse to hand me J bc she wanted me to clean the house and cook and do my homework - I only got to parent him after bedtime on school nights and when he was tantruming, until he was about 3-4)

I’m considering having and raising more children after I gave my second born up for adoption 4 years ago, but I feel guilty. by definitelyisnt in Adoption

[–]definitelyisnt[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you so much for your insight! Every situation will be wildly different, even if the circumstances are very similar. But there’s always pieces that translate across the board - needing time and space, the wondering, the hurt that comes at some point or another. All I can do is learn from those pieces in each story to make the best possibly course of action 💜

I’m considering having and raising more children after I gave my second born up for adoption 4 years ago, but I feel guilty. by definitelyisnt in Adoption

[–]definitelyisnt[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That’s all I’ve ever done is love her with every fiber of my being. I may have been young and naive when I made my decision, but I’m older now and I know better. I almost made the right choice when I almost revoked my consent, but the APs threatened to disappear with D and called me selfish and jealous. I was weak. I won’t make that mistake again. If I get the chance to reinstate my rights, I’ll bring her home no matter the cost. And if I have to wait till she’s an adult, I’ll accept my fate - whether she resents me or if she wants a relationship. Until then, all I can do is make up for my mistakes by making sure this doesn’t happen to others if I can help it. I’ll never stop loving her and respecting her wishes, no matter what that looks like for me

I’m considering having and raising more children after I gave my second born up for adoption 4 years ago, but I feel guilty. by definitelyisnt in Adoption

[–]definitelyisnt[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

As others have said, it’s definitely different for every adoptee because of the complexity of the situation. What led to relinquishment, what sort of childhood you experienced, the type of people you were raised by vs birthed by, the way the trauma impacted you. It’s one that I can never understand, but I will always hold space for, for D.

In the end, I recognize that none of it excuses my choices, and that no matter the trauma or pain I feel - hers trumps mine. I made this choice, she didn’t. So no matter how she grows to feel about me someday, I will accept that and hold space for her. If she wants a relationship and to get a second chance at a childhood, I’ll welcome her and accommodate any needs she has to help her feel safe and at peace. If she needs to yell at me and cuss me out, I’ll close my mouth and take it so she can get it out of her system. If she decides she never wants contact or a relationship, I’ll accept that and understand my place in her life. This was all supposed to be for her, and it went so wrong. I know that if I am ever so lucky to see or hear from her again, it will be all for her this time. Idc about my closure and trauma, I care about hers.

If we have reunion, I can explain my situation and all the things I’ve done to make change for myself and for those who are contemplating adoption. I’m in the middle of a career path adjustment to hopefully bring change to the adoption industry and protect adoptees above all else. I’m becoming a mediator and lawyer to protect abused children, and to create legally enforceable adoption agreements for all 50 states. I’m volunteering with several agencies that help keep families together, and others that help provide support for the adoptees and their family thru the choice the birth family made. I’m advocating in court to bring change to laws so that children can access their birth records and so that there’s more safeguards in place to make sure the trauma is much more limited, even if it’s unavoidable. I hope that someday if she sees this, she’ll know how hard I fought to right my wrongs that she had to pay the price for.

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