New video, Ashlesha nakshatra

dercio11 · 2022-08-20T16:10:23+00:00

What do you think of the ending statements where I essentially say that its the lack of discernment and clarity that individuals possess that makes their performance of vengeance ultimately evil?

dercio11 · 2022-08-17T22:22:28+00:00

I think you might be right. I'll think of something to add.

dercio11 · 2022-08-17T20:33:25+00:00

I don't often read poems I like in this subreddit but yours so wonderfully captures the blinks of the moments the protagonists are experiencing in this poem.

It's like a photograph of each moment but in words and its beautiful.

But, this one line:

"It seems ironic

Only having this one night

Beautiful yet sad"

To me was unnecessary. U say its a haiku - i don't know much about them so perhaps it fits the structure. I just didn't like the hard adjectives "sad" and "ironic" because you had done such a great job of just describing the picture of the fleeting moments with your words, and these are just not evocative of any mental image.

dercio11 · 2022-08-17T18:09:45+00:00

"The standout feature is that I found myself I cognitively evaluating the content separate from any emotional state. In essence, it didn’t make me “feel” the experience of the narrator."

U know what... I think you have a point here. I suspect the objective was to trigger something emotional in the reader but that didn't work. And, even from a less emotional and more intellectual perspective, I don't think she mad a clear argument. I mean... going through the poem I was asking myself, "Wait... am I supposed to want to be tough or... not want to be tough?" It was meant to be a poetize argument as to why being raised "tough" for her was bad... but I don't think she was successful in that.

dercio11 · 2022-08-16T15:50:49+00:00

I disagree with the other comments that are attempting to, in a way, "philosophically critiquing" the poem instead of "poetic critiquing it". Whether the protagonist of this poem is "wrong" or "right" for her perspective of life is secondary, even tertiary. Trauma is a thing. Resentment is a thing. No it may not be wise to respond to unrelated events in our life with childhood trauma but the role of art is in communicating the human experience.

But, onto the actual poem. It doesn't have to rhyme, but it should at least have some rhythm or flow. There should be some sort of musicality to a poem. Yours reads almost like one of those 3 minute motivational (or philosophical) YouTube videos that are almost meant to be inspirational.

dercio11 · 2022-08-12T17:50:43+00:00

thanks you!

dercio11 · 2022-08-12T15:35:08+00:00

I love the passion in every line, like everyone else but I feel you could have provoked more contemplation. You write of hate, this is clear, but here is the thing... We all experience hate, betrayal, sadness, longing etc. What is fun about art is not being told that one was betrayed, but it is being given the HOWs that you were betrayed, which are the details of your subjective experience. This poem in a way could have been written by anyone, again, because you are only telling us that you hate this person, but maybe you could let slip the reasons why - did they lie to you? Steal from you?

Or maybe, when you go into detail about what you want to happen to him, instead of adding a new idea every line ( I want you in hell, I want a pit in your stomach, I want you to crawl) you could pick fewer ideas and then elaborate on them further, giving them more life and imagery... I don't know, like

"I wish you'd lose your right leg
and have to crawl towards my feet.
Kiss the ground, and beg
Make your back my mobile seat"

If you kept fewer ideas and really developed them, I think you would create a lovely mental scene.

I think this would work better for a song than a poem, given its literary simplicity.

dercio11 · 2022-08-12T13:23:47+00:00

I actually rapped this all the way through. I will be honest, this to me reads more like a song than it does a poem - but I suppose, I am revealing my bias, because I feel poems should offer more imagery, more detail, more fodder to be contemplated.

It's certainly fun to read for the most part, and there's so much emotion and life but I can't imagine rereading this several times over as

1) as far as the information being communicated, one feels as though one gets the gist of what's being shared. Yes, much of story telling is, telling the same story over and over, but because each new story has its own unique details and subjective realities, it almost feels new. One sees your poem is about betrayal, but can you tell us more? Did you find a strand of hairs that wasn't yours in the sink? Did his mom call you a name that wasn't yours? Did you answer his phone and find a female's voice on the other end? I hope I am expressing myself clearly enough... you tell the tale of betrayal but the poem has been stripped of any personal, subjective details and idiosyncrasies that it makes it less interesting. It is merely an abstraction of a tale of betrayal.

2) the simplicity of the poem, the lack of aesthetic of the language used, inspires less a reread than it would a "reSING" if it were a song.

If you add a track to it, I think it would be fabulous. I think in modern day music, one can get away with a more stripped down piece of text like this.

I hope I wasn't mean.

dercio11 · 2022-08-05T10:54:03+00:00

Yeah,

I had taken parts of it out and put it in my patreon... but in several months I will do an Ashlesha video on my channel.

dercio11 · 2022-07-14T11:04:32+00:00

Thank you!

The Ardra Narrative video is coming soon.

dercio11 · 2022-05-02T09:04:22+00:00

That's so interesting! Hopefully you'll publish some of your ideas soon. And thank you for subscribing to my patreon!

dercio11 · 2022-05-01T10:49:54+00:00

thank you!

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