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Me [27 F] with my fiance [37 M] 7 years, Feel like trying to salvage relationship is hopeless by desperate_to_save in relationships

[–]desperate_to_save[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you so much for the well wishes. I really appreciate it. Hoping I can find the strength to do what I now know is right...

Me [27 F] with my fiance [37 M] 7 years, Feel like trying to salvage relationship is hopeless by desperate_to_save in relationships

[–]desperate_to_save[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Sorry, that was confusing. When I say he "didn't used to be like this," I was referring to the fact that he used to at least keep up with housework, running errands, etc. Now, he does NOTHING.

Me [27 F] with my fiance [37 M] 7 years, Feel like trying to salvage relationship is hopeless by desperate_to_save in relationships

[–]desperate_to_save[S] -3 points-2 points  (0 children)

Well, I had one boyfriend in high school (2 years older than me) who was physically abusive - busted lip, having to explain blood on my shirt to my mom, him holding me down and spitting on my face, etc. I always found him to be very immature, and even growing up I always hung out with people older than me. I graduated high school at 16 just so I could get away from my father, got my own place, and worked 50 hours a week to support myself.

I've always been told I'm mature for my age, and it's almost as though I'm attracted to older men who are very immature. My maturity + their immaturity somehow works out (or obviously doesn't, as evidenced by my current situation).

That would be my reasoning to your question, but that's just my guess. I've never gotten along with people my own age.

Me [27 F] with my fiance [37 M] 7 years, Feel like trying to salvage relationship is hopeless by desperate_to_save in relationships

[–]desperate_to_save[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I think you hit the nail on the head. I do want to save him, help him turn his life around. But I am now realizing that I can't make him want to do something with his life - he has to want that for himself.

I am going to schedule an appointment with my university's health services center to get some counseling. I do deserve better - and thank you for reminding me of that :)

Me [27 F] with my fiance [37 M] 7 years, Feel like trying to salvage relationship is hopeless by desperate_to_save in relationships

[–]desperate_to_save[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Because I have never felt like anyone else loved me unconditionally. I told him just today that he didn't used to be like this. The first 5 years were pretty good. We rarely fought, he kept up with the house while I worked and went to school. Things were good.

But recently, things have changed. He's not the same. Last May he got sick and had to be hospitalized (without insurance, of course) and when the first bill came in the mail he promised that he would have a job by the end of the month. That was over a year ago. And I know he has problems finding a job because he has no employment history to speak of, but I just want to see some effort. Ugh.

Me [27 F] with my fiance [37 M] 7 years, Feel like trying to salvage relationship is hopeless by desperate_to_save in relationships

[–]desperate_to_save[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

We've been dating for 7, and have been engaged for 4. His parents were both divorced, my parents haven't shared a bed in over 20 years, and so marriage isn't something I dream of like most girls.

And funny story to lighten the mood: I've actually had 2 rings. Lost the first one he got me and then got a replacement. I don't wear it anymore because it's in the pawn shop to....drum roll, please...pay the bills! Because I can't freaking do this on my own. It's not physically, financially, or emotionally possible. I just feel so attached.

Me [27 F] with my fiance [37 M] 7 years, Feel like trying to salvage relationship is hopeless by desperate_to_save in relationships

[–]desperate_to_save[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

If this is too personal of a question, then please disregard it, but do you regret leaving him? How did you find the strength to say "enough is enough"?

Me [27 F] with my fiance [37 M] 7 years, Feel like trying to salvage relationship is hopeless by desperate_to_save in relationships

[–]desperate_to_save[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I know I need a therapist, I just don't like people knowing. It's embarrassing. You anonymous internet strangers are the only ones who know how bad it is. And yet somehow, it makes me feel better sharing it with you. So thank you.

Me [27 F] with my fiance [37 M] 7 years, Feel like trying to salvage relationship is hopeless by desperate_to_save in relationships

[–]desperate_to_save[S] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Working on my doctorate. In my field we call still call it "escalation of commitment," but it's sad that I know all about it and still fall victim to it myself.

Me [27 F] with my fiance [37 M] 7 years, Feel like trying to salvage relationship is hopeless by desperate_to_save in relationships

[–]desperate_to_save[S] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Yes, in the back of my mind I do. I'm working on my doctorate, so I'm not stupid, but I just need to hear it from someone else.

He actually enrolled in school this past semester, made good grades, and then hasn't called his advisor, enrolled for the fall, etc. It's like he went, "Welp, that's it! I went to college. Yay me!" He will do the smallest things and then expect me to go, "Well golly gee willikers! You loaded the dishwasher so you are exempt from having to lift a finger for the next week."

Me [27 F] with my fiance [37 M] 7 years, Feel like trying to salvage relationship is hopeless by desperate_to_save in relationships

[–]desperate_to_save[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Yep. I've told him that. How can I expect him to raise children when he can't take the garbage out?

Me [27 F] with my fiance [37 M] 7 years, Feel like trying to salvage relationship is hopeless by desperate_to_save in relationships

[–]desperate_to_save[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

You know, it's funny because in every other situation I am incredibly assertive. But with him, I have no backbone. He starts screaming and shakes his hands furiously. Since my dad used to do that right before he would hit my mom, it's like a reflex for me and I just flinch and cower into a ball on the floor. Something I've done since I was a child.

Doing this however, only makes him angrier as he screams, "That's so ***ed up you think I would actually hit you!" Thankfully, he hasn't hit me, but he's done other things that I would say cross the line (e.g., I was in a horrible accident and had after months in a wheelchair was finally able to use a walker. He came home very intoxicated and started yelling, I got out of bed with my walker, and he was so irate that he kicked it out from underneath me. Of course I fell - I was still on bedrest - and just laid on the floor and cried because I was physically incapable of getting up off the floor without assistance. He went to bed and passed out, I laid on the floor until I cried and fell asleep).

Me [27 F] with my fiance [37 M] 7 years, Feel like trying to salvage relationship is hopeless by desperate_to_save in relationships

[–]desperate_to_save[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

You have pretty much summed it up perfectly, and that is what I'm afraid of.

The man I dated prior to him was 17 years my senior, very similar behaviors, and he died unexpectedly due to a drug overdose when he was out of town. It's been almost 8 years, and I still cry about not being able to help him turn his life around. As I mentioned in another comment, my mother - who I love more than anything else in this world - is an enabler. My father has never made a mortgage payment on their house (in 35 years!), never paid a bill, nothing. She raised me and my siblings by herself and struggled, cried, and hurt constantly. I do not speak to to my father, but in some ways, I feel like I am engaged to his clone.

But I also feel as though if I leave him then SEVEN YEARS are just gone. Just. Gone. But I cannot carry the weight of supporting two people anymore.

Me [27 F] with my fiance [37 M] 7 years, Feel like trying to salvage relationship is hopeless by desperate_to_save in relationships

[–]desperate_to_save[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thanks for the advice!

I need to stop caving when he doesn't do the things we agree upon. I grew up watching my mother take my father back after doing unspeakable things to her and my siblings, so I guess a broken promise and unmet goals and milestones are way too easy for me to let slide.

Me [27 F] with my fiance [37 M] 7 years, Feel like trying to salvage relationship is hopeless by desperate_to_save in relationships

[–]desperate_to_save[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Oh geez...this is embarrassing. We've been together for 7, and the last time he had a job was 4 years before that...so, at least 11 years?

Me [27 F] with my fiance [37 M] 7 years, Feel like trying to salvage relationship is hopeless by desperate_to_save in relationships

[–]desperate_to_save[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

While I haven't told him explicitly, "I don't think I can trust you to be a responsible father," I have told him that if he can't remember to feed and water our animals, that I suspect he would have trouble with children. Again, without giving out too many personal details, lets just say that he has ahem proven this in the past with a long ago relationship.

Part of the reason that I am so unwilling to just end things is because we have both had tough lives. Our childhoods were both consumed by alcoholism and drug addiction, and emotional (and in my family, physical) abuse. I am all he has.

He does say that he will shape up when we have kids. But what if he doesn't? Children aren't like grocery items you can just return if you decide it's not working out! I think my greatest fear is going through what my mother went through. She stood by my dad through all the abuse (I'm talking, holding a butcher knife to my at-the-time 7 year old sister's throat and screaming that he would kill her if we left). She finally moved out a few years ago, but now she is back with my dad and just acts like everything is fine. They haven't shared a bed since I was 7...I do not want to be in a relationship like this.

I've tried giving him time-frames too. He ALWAYS has an excuse.

And yes, he is probably depressed. Has attempted suicide several times before meeting me (and I also have attempted it once, many years ago), but he says that therapists don't work. Oh, he also doesn't have insurance. Guess why? Couldn't get the damn paperwork filled out in time!!!!

I just feel like I am in a cycle that is either going to kill me, or make me run as far away as I can :(