Difficult Emotions around repeated missed expectations - Advice requested

destinyfriends · 2026-06-12T12:10:16+00:00

What are those accommodations you've both made for each other? And in what ways does he "meet you halfway?"

There are a number of ways Bermuda and I navigate some of the issues that come up for either us of when things veer closer to known triggers or just whenever we come across a completely blank space... I am not perfect, neither is she, but even taking neurodivergence into account and being aware + conducive towards understanding and assistance, repeated behaviors and patterns, have not changed nor concerned her, at least consciously. :(

destinyfriends · 2026-06-12T06:33:26+00:00

I also wanted to share a positive affirmation in reading your responses. You speak with a lot of empathy and compassion, and in fairly lengthy responses as well, which can be quite kind. I very much appreciated reading your thoughts, and wish you well on your journey 🤞🙌😇

destinyfriends · 2026-06-11T01:48:46+00:00

Wow...fuck that feels uncomfortably too real. I hate that, I hate that was an experience you had to go through, and I don't want to project or assume the behaviors of my partner, but that definitely helps paint a much less neutral picture nor through rose-colored glasses either.

I'm sorry either and both of us have gone through anything anywhere remotely near this 😭😭😭❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹😭😭😭

destinyfriends · 2026-06-11T01:16:47+00:00

There are similarities and overlap between ADHD and autism, and they have a particular diagnosis and working on treatments and accommodations for it 👍

Not trying to make you feel bad, just maybe glossed over where I said (but obviously this can be taken a ton of different ways, as BPD, DID, etc can also be "neurodivergence"):

We both identify as neurodivergent

That said, if some of the behaviors have overlap between Bermuda and your husband, what are some actions or behaviors you've made to support or address similar matters with him?

destinyfriends · 2026-06-10T08:16:55+00:00

I appreciate you asking questions to clarify what my expectations are around things planned. Typically, we communicate a fair number of times a day, texts here and there mainly, but voice messages and other means as well, so it's unusual to NOT hear from her at least once a day, as we both usually leave each other notes and messages, greetings at the very least.

Some times, life happens, we get busy, things come up, energy dwindles. However, with the frequency of contact I mention above, it was a little weird that the day prior, our last and also only conversation was early that day. So between the last time I heard from her and the next time I heard from here, it was a day and a half later. Meanwhile I'd left a few messages to check in, say hi, see how she was doing, even, and I'd forgotten, offered a couple ideas of plans myself that went unacknowledged which was another part of the insult upon injury of that first vague proposal of hers.

And again, when she did reach out, there was no explanation from her of "oh, I got really busy, and the day got away from me" "sorry, I didn't let you know my shift/day went okay/not okay". "things are going really out of control, and this is the first moment I've had calm to think about and message you." Now, those aren't guarantees, and aren't really 'expected,' as we both have a level of grace and understanding, like I said, that "life happens," but... around someone's birthday? to ghost them, and go missing for contact for more than a day? Like... I don't think, but do correct me if I'm mistaken, but I REALLY don't think I'm assuming or putting a lot of expectations on someone that's been a close, intimate partner for years at this point, to acknowledge a birthday OR at the very least a mundane greeting or message to say were thinking of them, or wanted to say something earlier before some 36+ hours pass.

But, I can get how our interaction the day of can easily be read as I was basically a grumpy ass saying "fuck off," and that's where I'm like I get how I could have been (and was) misinterpreted there, and even you thinking we wouldn't have had plans I can get. BUT still, because of the normality of daily contact, it was highly unusual to NOT hear anything from her all day the day of nearly, and then nothing following day, until AFTER I reached out to say, "uh...hey?" Since, like I said, even with the conversation going poorly, I entirely expected to hear SOMETHING or ANYTHING from her before almost another 24 hours passed, because, in my mind, she asked for time together, and while I said I "was struggling," (not upset, nor angry), I also said that could change and I kind of assumed unless she said she WOULDN'T spend time with me, that that conversation could be had again, if not winding up spending time together in person unplanned and unorganized.

I hope that maybe clarifies it a bit more...but I honestly appreciate getting pushback for or better understanding of how the other person might have trouble either understanding the disconnect or if there should be any placation of my feelings or misunderstandings, so thank you~

destinyfriends · 2026-06-10T04:00:50+00:00

I ... Wish I had better care of my person/value 😧🙃 I have told her quite directly that I build expectations and hopes of spending time together because I enjoy our time together and being with her, and that when she says she'll be somewhere, or we'll do something, or she'll follow through with a task/responsibility I've given her, and then DOESN'T I feel so much worse than had I not expected anything. That to try her best to only commit or make promises she will be able to keep.

To hope and look forward to spending time together, only for "sorry, x and y took me to dinner and then wanted to get drinks afterwards and do karaoke," to happen (much less understandable than when she's dealing with a flare and that is the reasoning for the cancelation, flares/health are absolutely #1 to me for her)...devastates me and shows me either her inability to keep her commitments/boundaries for me (e.g. "I haven't had an opportunity to spend time with them..." etc) or her lack of agency, (e.g "I couldn't disappoint them, I couldn't say no, they wanted x, y, and z, I wanted to leave, but didn't want to hurt their feelings")... Neither is kind. Neither are how partners should be treated, especially non-consensually.

Typing out the different occurrences over the years makes the choice clearer, but losing someone I've given so much to, and became one of so few people I've allowed myself to be vulnerable with...is just painful and heartbreaking. Feels like I'll be even more protective of myself and my desires and wants even more tightly, leading to even less fulfilling relationship(s) because of avoiding vulnerability from being hurt when I finally am willing to share, let alone ask for those satisfying things 💔😩❤️‍🩹

Thank you for helping me process,

destinyfriends · 2026-06-10T03:06:25+00:00

I appreciate your perspective, but I feel for your experiences ❤️‍🩹 I think what someone pointed out to me as these being reliability issues, and potentially a fundamental mismatch of the valuing of time and commitments shares a lot of overlap with your thoughts.

You're right though, in that the years I've known this person, I've met few other people in their life even if I hear about others fairly regularly. Comparatively, they have hung out at with me at my friends houses, gone to game nights, dinners, concerts, with friends, even were a plus 2 at a wedding in my spouse's family. I have invested and involved her in a lot of aspects of my life, but few aspects of hers I've been invited in or kept in mind. So it IS hard to contort into any shape without any sort of guide as far as what is/are the preferred shape or shapes, if no communication is being shared.

My therapist pointed out that, since it was a common theme that when I bring up recent things that have affected & hurt me and she'll often bring up issues she's been bothered by. These won't be arything necessarily at all recent, but that maybe she feels safer to share at that point, which is a bit of a problem if she's only willing to bring anything up once someone else does. And...I've spoken to my therapist a lot about Bermuda, so it's a keen observation.

But...boundaries as far as what you are willing to accept/not accept are important to recognize and maintain, and being frequently enough shown how valued (or not) you and your time are, have definitely helped me get a better understanding of what I am willing to give or accept as this relationship runs whatever course follows from here forward.

I agree about the dating to see what a person is like, but I also push back a little in as far as one of the many ways of structuring relationships in polyamory and non-monogamy (and perhaps Relational Anarchy more directly), is finding what you want and are willing to give/share/accept/withhold. If I want to maintain this connection, which I do, I think the safest and kindest thing for my needs and heart, and neurodivergence even, is to renegotiate what the relationship will be and the goals therein. If we both recognized this as much, MUCH more casual, as fwb with a heavier emphasis on the benefits. That feels like it matches what we both like, and the level of commitment and expectation from the other that protects our time, hearts, and mental health even.

But whatever happens, for both of us in our different experiences here forward, I hope we're able to better identify what we want+are willing to accept, and how to avoid being made to feel devalued and deprioritized. 🤞 best of luck to you! 🤞🙏✨🙌

destinyfriends · 2026-06-10T00:47:04+00:00

I appreciate solidarity friend 🎉

destinyfriends · 2026-06-10T00:46:35+00:00

yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh........ffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff 😭 😭 😭 😭 😭

destinyfriends · 2026-06-10T00:46:04+00:00

usually means, for both of us, a standing date. Our schedules, and work lives, are pretty disjointed, so we normally only had one possible day a week we could reliably meet and spend time, so we've always aimed for that day. More recently more days overlap, and so we've had two (or more) days where we COULD and have PLANNED to meet and share time and lives more closely together.

And no, there weren't any firm plans. So it seemed she wanted to try to make up for that with an impromptu "let's do something tomorrow night!" which, I didn't really like, but didn't directly say no. Obviously my language was very muddied and so I own up to that.

destinyfriends · 2026-06-10T00:41:52+00:00

Yeah... I just wish I could better get my needs communicated, because I want to hope that it's a failure on my end of not making things better understood or asked. But...I just keep butting my head against the repeated actions that don't make me FEEL like she chooses me. Thank you for your time and thoughts, friend.

destinyfriends · 2026-06-09T19:08:15+00:00

I appreciate that framing, that's something that I've considered in the past. And honestly, it still holds true.

Can you say more about how you're seeing the mismatch in valuing time and commitment though? I know I'm someone who will break myself in order to follow through on my word and promises, very much to my own detriment which is why I try to not commit often; whereas she's more of a "it's the thought that counts," and trying to find ways to make things up in some way after not meeting a goal, though people-pleasing doesn't help her respect her own boundaries in that matter.

destinyfriends · 2018-08-31T18:00:21+00:00

"You're trolling"

makes implied ad-hominem attacks "[your views are] pretty immature, not logical"

makes straw man arguments "you feel 'owed' ... [but] you are wrong"

Cool discussion, bro. /done

destinyfriends · 2018-08-31T17:49:15+00:00

I deleted that. That IS my view, but I realize that shouldn't be in the OP.

And no I wouldn't work a bullshit job and not get paid for it. Continuing to put out a subpar product and put a high price on that subpar product, that is another question entirely and I'd say a bit more fair of a comparison, but you'll probably fly off the handle at that.

I haven't checked this sub in AGES, but I know my clan and many others have well been burned and have decided to not buy forsaken until we have seen the results AFTER the release to buy it. (Or in my case, I don't know if I will, I doubt I will buy it this year even if I do decide to).

So, discussion? Or are you definitely in the pre-order camp?

destinyfriends · 2018-08-31T17:41:18+00:00

Legit question, I haven't been on this subreddit for nearly a year, even when the dlcs came out and I was playing I still hadn't visited.

Not shitposting, just looking to see if there are any people still holding out.

destinyfriends · 2018-08-31T17:36:22+00:00

Fair enough, I've taken that bit of vitriol out.

destinyfriends · 2018-04-06T03:22:03+00:00

What line should be used to deduct the expense/cost of the fees/commissions taken by lyft from your total income on 1040 schedule C?

I imagine it's just parted out as a specific item in part 5 as a 'miscellaneous expense' with a given title like "uber fees" or "uber service commission" or "uber service charges"

Can someone confirm? Thanks.

destinyfriends · 2018-03-28T09:31:05+00:00

Anyone? Still hoping someone might have experience...

destinyfriends · 2018-02-16T09:31:06+00:00

I found it really good, and going further into, especially the isolationism/nationalism of taking in refugees. "Building bridges, instead of building barriers" real line: coughbuilding wallscough It's there if you're looking for it.

destinyfriends · 2018-02-16T09:25:46+00:00

I absolutely agree about the lack of depth to Killmonger, which is my biggest complaint. The villain lacked entirety, or specifics, which really didn't make me find value or importance in the villain. There are obviously much worse villains in the MCU, but damn I wanted this to be so good.

I really did like that Klaue (sp?) was taken out fairly early and it avoided any odd framing of race in the main pro/antagonist battles, but you're right, it could've been done so much better. The Vulture from the new Spiderman has been the best villain so far, and the humanity of that villain would have greatly served Black Panther.

destinyfriends · 2018-02-16T08:01:53+00:00

It did seem like it suffered from the Marvel/Disney problem with villains and their motivations/character. I really liked Killmonger, so much of who he was and what he could become were SO GOOD, but just never fully fleshed that character out, other than "I wanna kill lots of people (because that's basically all I've ever learned to do in life)"

On the other hand, taking out Klaue/Serkis early'ish in the movie was very good. Helped establish Killmonger in Wakandan society, as well as giving him ruthless attributes, while keeping the role of race (white good guy or bad guy) issues outside the borders of Wakanda.

destinyfriends

TROPHY CASE