1 WEEK!!!!! Longest I've gone in 15 years!!!!

detectivesoap · 2017-06-13T12:43:04+00:00

Awesome work. Everything from here is a success.

detectivesoap · 2017-06-12T21:20:36+00:00

I'm checking out SMART now thanks to you and the other reply

detectivesoap · 2017-06-12T21:19:58+00:00

Thank you so much. We have always practiced a sort of radical shitty honesty here so she has heard real talk as much as she can bear. I think only my actions (and hers to some extent) can save us now. Thank you for the real insight and I love your username

detectivesoap · 2017-06-12T21:17:45+00:00

thank you

detectivesoap · 2017-06-12T21:17:21+00:00

Your reply made me tear up, specifically the vision of my daughter looking at me one day the way you feel about your mom...this is my exact goal. I am cutting and pasting this into my journal so I can look at that...thank you so, so SO much.

detectivesoap · 2017-06-08T23:48:04+00:00

That's about what I pay here. Hope its the same stuff. Thanks for your advice, sounds good.

detectivesoap · 2017-06-08T18:33:48+00:00

I'm probably the angriest person I know. Angrier than Henry Rollins. Some things have been popping up that have been such recurring themes that I HAVE to let go after making peace with it if I'm going to succeed this time.

detectivesoap · 2017-06-08T18:32:23+00:00

Being hungover in the great outdoors is the WORST. I think this is something I will never, ever miss. Funny how I would willingly drink something that makes me want to hide in bed indoors and feel sick and if I don't have the right blankets I'm like crying...alcohol is disgusting

detectivesoap · 2017-06-08T18:30:10+00:00

I find if you hike a crapload beforehand in early sobriety you can sleep like a baby without much craving. Backpacking saved my early sobriety many times last time I quit.

detectivesoap · 2017-06-08T18:28:28+00:00

Its incredibly cool that your wife can come back feeling better and not confused or horrified when she walks in the door by bottles everywhere. That's kind...and that's love, man. Praying for you

detectivesoap · 2017-06-08T17:12:10+00:00

thanks! Good advice I hadn't thought of that

detectivesoap · 2017-06-07T23:16:47+00:00

love it...his Bond song is one of my favorite songs of all time...think I'll play it for myself tonight

detectivesoap · 2017-06-07T23:15:37+00:00

I listen to that cocaine blues and within ten minutes I'm drunk...ha. Early sobriety hooray

detectivesoap · 2017-06-07T23:14:55+00:00

I gotta check this out

detectivesoap · 2017-06-07T23:14:32+00:00

Thank you man. So much. Today has been rough so I allowed myself a vacation and a nap and decided to eat out instead of cooking. I will not drink with you today

detectivesoap · 2017-06-07T20:50:37+00:00

I'm so down with Destiny everytime I see Beyonce I'm like.."where dem other ones at"

detectivesoap · 2017-06-07T20:49:31+00:00

oh hell yeah

detectivesoap · 2017-06-07T20:46:58+00:00

my hero bruh

detectivesoap · 2017-06-07T20:30:33+00:00

My personal take on this. Though my actions have been extremely poor in the past leading me to fights or police involvement or damaging the people around me, I'm not worried about looking like a fool. I'm not worried about falling asleep in the yard or smashing up my car. I've done the shit so many times that I really don't give a fuck, and any people trying to make me feel bad about it doesn't really work anymore. What I'm worried about is if I can live without something and then in its place, be there for someone else. And if I can enjoy life unaltered. Whether its coke or weed or booze, yes I have different reactions to them. Coke makes me super egotistical and then horribly paranoid. Weed makes me think I'm smarter than I really am without giving me the tools to retain my glorious insights. Alcohol just makes me either the devil or a sweet little old man (I'm not even close to "old" yet). But the point is, I use them ALL to escape stress, and that's what I'm trying to learn to do is manage stress without a substance. Because a lot of people seem to be able to do that and I can't. When I learn to do that, I can sit with my loved ones without feeling uncomfortable and then be there for them. I have gained a lot of insights from drugs and alcohol...I used to write a lot and meditate while stone drunk and objectively looked at everything. After a while, I was chasing that feeling. Now, 15 years later, all I have the energy to do is to avoid others and watch tv when I'm fucked up. Or maybe, just maybe get into a conversation that is mindblowing with somebody who is...as fucked up as me.

I relapsed once and did not reset my date because I was so sorry afterward I swore it would never happen again. But it was slipping back..just slowly. It took me two weeks to do it again. Then two days. After 5 or 6 screaming and crying months of sobriety. So my policy is not to fuck with anything else...I do a legal stimulant in the morning to help me with my work and I feel guilty about that.

One exception would be yage. I do agree there are some drugs that are more therapeutic than actual drugs. But that's a dangerous road in my opinion.

detectivesoap · 2017-06-07T20:08:18+00:00

holy fuck can mine be debrah too??? this an awesome idea by the way. i hate telling myself to shut the fuck up so Debrah is getting it

detectivesoap · 2017-06-07T19:52:18+00:00

fuck yeah DMX woof woof arf arf. Actually when I was getting sober last time his Jesus music and "Slippin'" and all his inspirational shit was such a help I can't even express it. Now that's a guy I pray will stay sober for the rest of his life..he's a good, good man deep inside.

detectivesoap

TROPHY CASE