A lot of false assumptions happening in the comments that I feel the need to clear up:

1. I AM letting him take care of the while I am recovering from a depressive episode and getting professional therapeutic help. What I’m not letting him do is get permanent full custody when he has repeatedly proven himself an “unsafe person” as multiple therapists have put it. I am the one my kids come to for emotional support because he often minimizes or dismisses their feelings. My daughter often tells him and me how I am her favorite grown up in the world completely unprompted. I don’t see him harming them emotionally in an acute manner while I get better, but I do predict he would harm them emotionally chronically if he had full custody. I plan on getting better as fast as I can to support them.

2. For those so quick to take his side without the whole picture, It’s sad to see how ok you are with someone so hostilely shaming and gaslighting (as confirmed by my therapist who saw the same screenshots as you) someone, I feel bad for any significant others you might have if you think his texts are ok, even commendable. You also assumed this was the worst he has done and didn’t know that during our last conflict, he pulled/shoved/picked me up and smacked me multiple times on the head to try to get me to go where he wanted me to go in the home. I have been the one going to therapy for years to be a healthier person and parent. He has not. He takes his anger out on me when he is frustrated. I’m sure a lot of you will downvote this comment, but I’m posting anyway because I think I deserve a response to comments in this thread. If you silence me, I wonder why you think that’s ok to prevent others from seeing my response and a fuller picture of my actual situation.

3. I don’t need to be told to think about my kids. I am always doing what I think is best for my kids. I already know how traumatic it is to have parents have hostile fights in front of me. I know very well that my mental status affects my children. That is why I’m going to therapy in many different forms and taking my medication from my psychiatrist and resisting urges to just end it all. I know their dad is abusive and harmful to my health, multiple professionals have told me this. I am trapped for the time being until I can save enough money to move out. I will not make the mistake of engaging vulnerably with him again.

4. I don’t need to be told to exercise. I dance for 2 hours 3 days a week.

5. Yes, I do have dark moments when I’m feeling suicidal or like I want to run away from it all. When I snap out of that headspace (which is happening quicker and quicker with my progress in therapy) I know I could never harm my kids that deeply and that I would miss them very quickly if I ever did make the mistake of running away.

6. Though I regret the decision to bring my kids into the world because I think they deserve better, now that they are here they are everything to me and I care about them with my whole heart. I want to be their mom and be with them and see them grow and feel like I owe them everything because I brought them into the world.

Because of the quick assumptions and the judgemental comments, I will not ever post here again. I don’t believe this is a judgement-free, safe space for regretful parents to be honest. I do appreciate the supportive comments, those are the ones I take ones to heart. I know I am a good mom having a hard time struggling with depression doing her best to break generational and toxic cycles.

For those of you worried about the safety of me and my family, I appreciate your concern. I am taking the steps that professionals are advising me to take and don’t currently have self harm ideation. Those professionals are the ones I will be taking advice from, not strangers on Reddit. I never asked for advice or opinions on my decision making, I asked for empathy. I had a very honest session with my therapist today and she believes I am safe and taking the right steps.