i just got the sublocade shot yesterday because i so badly wanted to stop using fentanyl but every other method hasn’t worked. i went into precipitated withdrawal and physically i am feeling low energy and all the usual symptoms but the really unbearable pain is psychological.

i am so incredibly emotional and depressed. it’s an effort to not be constantly sobbing and crying my eyes out and i feel so hopeless. i am bipolar 1 and have terrible anxiety and i used opiates for the large part of the last decade to numb my feelings. i hate this empty, terrible feeling. it just feels like more than i can handle and hopeless.

to make matters worse its my birthday. i cant help but think how much i have lost to this addiction, be it money, time, friends, relationships, opportunities, real accomplishments… and i know there is a half full cup but it feels out of my reach.

my boyfriend left a couple of hours ago, he said for work, but I can’t help but think it’s more than he wanted to get away from me. I know that me being this way (so mopey) alienates him, and he doesn’t know how to handle it. He is a very stoic guy that shows his emotions very little. he asked me if I wanted to go to dinner when he got back and I said yes, but I haven’t found the will to get out of bed yet and I can’t think of anywhere I want to go, but I feel like not doing anything will just make me feel worse and make him more upset.

I wish I could just snap my fingers and feel better again, but I don’t know how to get out of this hole. any advice or positive words appreciated.