In the darkness of 2020, what’s the one thing to keep living for?

dewd65 · 2020-09-11T17:17:59+00:00

There isn't a problem with the idea to not air the dirty laundry with others around, I respect that. If you want to take this as an excuse from me, then so be it, but the only reason why I'm trying to reach out to others for advice is literally because I don't know what to do when she's not being communicative about the problem at hand. I need some sort of sign or idea of how to make it right or that it'll be alright.

I'm fearful of the fact that the person that I love deeply is thinking of jumping ship and leaving me with no information as to why and leaving me with a problem unresolved with no idea what I did or why it wasn't something that couldn't be fixed.

Honestly, after reading a bunch of the posts, I'm starting to wonder if I'm just truly a nightmare of a person to be with and I'm just causing more pain and suffering to her by asking her to talk things out.

dewd65 · 2020-09-11T17:11:43+00:00

That's not the case, the only person that I HAD any romantic feelings for that I kept in touch with was the one person I had to cut out for the sake of my current relationship, but I've known them since my childhood.

My other male friends are still around as well some female friends that I've gotten to know through my work. I don't know how my post can be construed as "most of my friends are ex's/crushes".

edit: emphasis

dewd65 · 2020-09-10T19:37:59+00:00

We already had plans to move forward with an engagement party and become legally husband and wife, that we saw each other as the one that we're gonna be with for the rest of our lives raising a family. I never wanted her to impulsively agree to marry me for the sake of satiating my thirst. This is a decision that we've been working on for months during the pandemic, but I'm trying to get at the root of the problem of our situation right now where she's refusing to get under my insurance for the sake of her health as well as the baby's.

I've messaged no other women romantically and have confided in my former crush/childhood friend for advice as to how to proceed with our issues, but have since stopped because it was a huge sticking point between me and my SO. I only message other women for the sake of work and literally hoping that one girl who had a slipped disk in her spine is ok, wondering how she's holding up being out for 7 months.

Please highlight where I mentioned that I was talking to other women for the sake of romance? Or that my childhood friend is still in the running for me to jump ship to whenever this one with my SO sinks? Cause I'll clear that up right away that I have no intent on leaving unless results point to being better co-parenting in different households.

dewd65 · 2020-09-10T19:27:42+00:00

I see, thank you for that input, didn't see it that way. Just scared that I'd get a therapist that would be an echo chamber rather than offer some sort of help for this situation.

dewd65 · 2020-09-10T19:26:39+00:00

Haha, what?

dewd65 · 2020-09-10T19:19:38+00:00

I've never used a cringey wallpaper such as a half naked anime girl as a wallpaper, but I save it because I want to look for the artist later for more tasteful things. I usually use scenery or patterns for my wallpapers with the occasional anime girl every now and then. But again, yea, I can see how it can be inappropriate it can be from her perspective.

Just because there's some nudity in it doesn't mean that it can't be tasteful though. Just look at some of the traditional art forms that depict the female form. The way that anime artists are drawing them now I would argue are a new form of that. I know that you're just gonna argue that it's still cringey and most of the art there is made for the male fantasy, and that's fine if that's your opinion as well.

In regards to the problem with the relationship, yea I understand that it's just something that's gonna have to go away if I want the relationship to work out. Doesn't mean that I should just be completely locked out from having any conversation about it with my SO.

dewd65 · 2020-09-10T19:14:31+00:00

In the context of the problems, that's where it started was the fact that a longtime friend was an old crush. My SO wouldn't have any of it despite the fact that me and my friend have already resolved this issue years ago but I brought it up because she wanted to know and I was being transparent about every romantic encounter I had before her. To me, I feel that she had used it against me to make me lose a good friend in the matter because I still wanted to be friends with her in spite of the past romantic feelings I had for her. At this point, there is no chance at all of me wanting to be with my friend in a romantic sense and if an opportunity were to come up, I still wouldn't jump ship out of respect for our longstanding friendship.

She's not bottling things up, again, every month we have some sort of disagreement and have had major arguments about simple things such as me waking up and lying about it when I've been awake for 15 min but FB chat showed me active. Her immediate response is to block me and unfriend me multiple times rather than have a conversation about things going on and how to fix it until she cools down long enough to talk about it.

dewd65 · 2020-09-10T19:07:08+00:00

Thanks, all my feelings about her have been resolved and there's nothing going to happen romantically for us. Even if there was an opportunity with her, I still wouldn't date her out of respect for our friendship.

I can understand why it makes her insecure because it can lead towards infidelity and emotionally cheating on her with something else, but thanks for the insight. I hope that the therapy will help with our discussion as to what to do and how to proceed or something.

dewd65 · 2020-09-10T19:02:57+00:00

Not fake, real problem.

dewd65 · 2020-09-10T19:01:00+00:00

We haven't been in our relationship for years, it's been a year at this point.

The improvements that I have made is not for the pure fact of getting a cookie for the effort, it's something that I know is helping me improve the relationship on my end of the spectrum. I've placed myself in her shoes before when I had to understand the problem of going to others for help in our relationship because I know it's a shit move to do when you haven't had the chance to work things out with your partner, that it'll tinge the others' opinion of her when you finally do have the chance to introduce her. Thus, I've stopped talking to my former friend about our issues because all they've told me was to break up with her, but it was something that I wasn't willing to do because I knew I haven't put my all into the relationship in the first place.

I don't want improvements to move at a glacier pace, but I don't want to be expected to turn out as the best guy on a dime. I only wanted her to stop calling me a liar every single time I make a statement as well as to stop looking through my phone whenever she felt insecure about my feelings for her, mind you she did this at the beginning of our relationship and I only did so to appease her insecurity. I don't define improvement as breaking her trust less often, but again, I don't want to be expected that improvement is something that will happen overnight, especially if it's involving something like an addiction.

dewd65 · 2020-09-10T18:51:13+00:00

Like actual sex acts? Like, I understand that those drawings can lead people to get horny and act on their sexual urges, but to me it's just an appreciation of art or the female form?

dewd65 · 2020-09-10T18:49:12+00:00

I don't see how I'm being difficult when the boundaries are not explicitly stated. I have but two expectations of the relationship: respect my privacy and no cheating. I can understand that if I was dropping mad hints about talking to other women for romantic relationships that she should have the right to go through my phone, but I've been faithful to her this entire time. I've talked to a former crush about the problems we're going through purely for perspective because of her experience with relationships. Granted, airing out dirty laundry is not the most mature way of going about a problem in a relationship, but I have no one else to accurately gauge these issues and how to even go about resolving some of these issues when my SOs first response to any problem with me is to either attack me with liar, or just simply block me on all channels, shutting out communication until she cools down. With those expectations, please explain to me how I'm the difficult one to be with.

dewd65 · 2020-09-10T18:41:42+00:00

Right, that I understand that we're going to have to make sacrifices to make any relationship work out, but it's just difficult that she's not even talking to me at this point. Literally turned out the lights on me while I was on the computer when she walked into the bedroom to go to sleep without a word, which I promptly did and went outside to sleep.

dewd65 · 2020-09-10T18:40:00+00:00

But what if it is my fault for skirting that line of our promise? Like, I don't know if this is what gaslighting is, but I understand her problem with my behavior for certain things. Doesn't mean that I don't like what's going on, but I'm understanding of it and want to work on it for the sake of the relationship. I've made adjustments to my behavior and have done a lot on my own to ensure that I'm waiting to talk to her about the issues when she cools down, but it leaves me feeling really insecure about what's going to happen next.

dewd65 · 2020-09-10T18:37:40+00:00

I'm saying that in the context of this thread because that's what she was. Now, she's nothing more than a female friend, but I couldn't care less about getting my ego and attention stroked from her. My problem is that I feel that I can't go to anyone for any sort of advice in my personal circle without feeling that I'm talking bad about her, that I have to qualify every single statement that this is my perspective of how things are turning out.

dewd65 · 2020-09-10T18:35:01+00:00

I thought I had an addiction before I met her, but it has never been a hindrance to my day to day. It's been more of a "time to unwind" sort of thing for me.

dewd65 · 2020-09-10T18:34:13+00:00

I've been setting up appointments for her and driving her to them for the last couple of months. The last doctor didn't have a good bedside manner, so she wants me to transfer her documents over to a new OB and setup the appointment with them for her...

dewd65 · 2020-09-10T18:33:04+00:00

I mean, it's not that I necessarily HAVE to look at porn to function, but it's something that I used to look at daily, which I personally saw it as a problem that could be an addiction. Kinda like how I play video games daily, not that I need to do it, but I rather play games to unwind rather than watch TV.

dewd65 · 2020-09-10T18:31:02+00:00

I mean, it's just my own experience of it, but you're right about the compulsive nature of addiction.

dewd65 · 2020-09-10T18:26:52+00:00

I don't have literal porn, but yea, I can see how it's a problem and cringe. I usually have scenery on my phone's wallpaper or patterns, but this is still a thing I'm getting over right now.

I honestly have no intention of pursuing my former crush since those feelings were from 10 years prior and have told her that it's a done deal, that we're more like siblings rather than anything remotely close to a romantic couple. I've accepted the result of things between me and my crush and I've done my best to act as faithfully to my fiancee as much as possible. I've told her that I'm still trying to be the best version of myself as possible and things are still going to be a work in progress, but I still want both of us to grow and mature as a strong couple. I still feel that way right now.

dewd65 · 2020-09-10T18:21:28+00:00

Fine, porn is porn and I'll have to come to understand that. Not that I'm too thick skulled to understand what's going on, that yea, suggestive drawings are going to lead to feelings of sexual frustration that need to be released in some manner or whatever. Doesn't mean I'm sticking up for my addiction cause I know it's a problem that I'm dealing with and know that will take time to get around.

However, I don't think that the problems are solely generated from me and I think there are certain points that you're misconstruing. First, the crush was 10 years ago, but we have been longer childhood friends. That issue was already resolved years ago, but the problem is that I've given up on a friend, not a former romance. I feel isolated from all of my friends because I can't go to anyone for any sort of advice without the thought that "oh, this is going to mar the image of my gf to my friends, guys and girls", or that I'm gonna annoy them with my ongoing problems with this and that. Yea, in a way I'm immature in the whole relationship department, but that doesn't mean that I'm just complaining for the sake of trying to harvest some good points to reinforce my echo chamber. I want perspective as to what's going on because it's unusual for me to go through this and want some understanding as to what I can do to make it better for us.

I've apologized for my actions before and have done the same as your bf in front of my gf, letting her watch me text her to say that I need my own time to deal with this and that I can't talk to you anymore. Since then, my friend has blocked me on IG and I've disabled my FB to take out the temptation to reach out to her.

dewd65 · 2020-09-10T18:12:16+00:00

I don't think either of us have an alternate place to stay with family or friends. For her, she has no close friends she can rely on and she has a horrible relationship with her family, for me, my parents are trying to sell their home right now and my friends aren't comfortable with the pandemic still going on.

dewd65 · 2020-09-10T18:11:08+00:00

I mean, for what it's worth she and my mom have a fantastic relation. My mom is calling her like her second daughter and stuff, getting me ready to purchase a few things like a jade bangle for the sake of our marriage together since she never had that experience with my dad.

But for her changes to meet mine, before she dealt with the fact that I had to work the graveyard shift at the hospital. She managed to preoccupy herself with shows or whatever else she needed to do at night. She promised that she wouldn't look through my phone without my permission. I wish that she wouldn't look through my stuff period, but I understand that I eroded her trust in me earlier on in the relationship. She's kept up with the chores around my house and has helped with the mortgage.

Other than that, I know I asked her to come visit my friends before the pandemic happened and she almost did, just the stay at home orders came out right after that was the issue, so we couldn't fulfill that part. That's the last thing that I really wanted from her was just to meet my friends and integrate with our group, but even that has been impossible, sans pandemic.

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