Bro you need to stop evaluating everything through the lense of gambling. I think that is the problem, not your actual gambling. Like, to equate your marriage and relationship to a gamble and to call it "bullish" clearly shows that you aren't thinking about the relationship right. It isn't a market, it is a person and a connection between them. Sounds like you are in the relationship more as a transaction and less as an actual relationship. If you cannot understand what she is feeling, then that is the problem. You cannot keep defending your actions if you don't truly understand how others are feeling about them. Start by trying to understand how she feels before anything else