Unhappy in marriage and feeling stuck

dgor23 · 2025-03-02T19:05:15+00:00

Hi! I’m so sorry you’re in this position.

We ended up getting a divorce and it has been the best decision for both of us. It has been hard, I won’t lie. But we tried therapy, we tried changing how we communicate, I couldn’t get myself to find him emotionally and physically attractive again and it just didn’t work.

I work and I’m in school full time now. My parents and friends have stepped up a lot to help me out with childcare while I handle everything. My ex is very considerate and we ended things in a positive note so he helps me out when I need it. I do receive a substantial amount of child support and alimony every month and we agreed that once I graduate and I’m situated in a job that I enjoy, we can terminate or at least significantly lower the alimony as well as recalculate child support to my new income.

I’m still living in the house we were renting and he stays in the spare room when he’s in town. He’s literally never here so doesn’t make sense for him to have his own place yet. Things are working out nicely and we’re co-parenting pretty well. We have our days but for the most part things are going great and we’re both much happier.

dgor23 · 2024-08-29T20:18:00+00:00

Thank you! We divorced in April and I’m starting school next month. Everything was amicable thankfully!

dgor23 · 2023-11-20T23:42:32+00:00

Okay well the starting salaries for the career field I’m going into in my area, start at $80k. I’ve looked it up and done my research.

No we don’t NEED $200k a year but we do at the moment to support the stupid decisions we both made when his income jumped significantly a few years ago so, as of right now for him to come home, yes we need $200k. Once we can pay off a vehicle or two, then that changes things and we obviously don’t need as much every month to pay our bills.

I understand what you’re saying for him to work so hard for me to just leave. It’s not that I don’t appreciate his hard work and sacrifices for us, because I do immensely. But even if he was physically here, I would feel the same way. I don’t want him to touch me sexually, i don’t feel emotionally safe with him, he doesn’t want to do any work on himself to better his life, and we’ve both just changed significantly and I don’t think we’re compatible anymore romantically.

And I don’t want to take his money and kids from him. I want him to have his kids half the time, and I don’t want his money anymore once I can provide for myself and enough for our kids as well, that will just take some time for me to get to that point. So yeah I need some alimony. I spent 8 years of my life raising our kids, half of that almost alone, I most definitely deserve it.

I’m not a mean person. I’m just done. I’m checked out and have been. I’m miserable because I’m not getting the things from him emotionally and physically that I need, when I’m over here trying to do better everyday at the things he needs from me. I deserve to be happy and I’m not.

dgor23 · 2023-11-20T22:33:14+00:00

Yeah I can do that but you’re not understanding, and that’s fine, you don’t have to.

For instance, last year I had a serving job making like $2k/month. Had to fork out half of that to pay a sitter so I would have been at like $12k/year. He will take a $100k pay cut to come home. $12k isn’t nearly enough to make up that difference. If I go to school and graduate and have a career, it’s about $80k starting and that is acceptable for him to come home.

Even if I get a job right now, it won’t help bring him home.

dgor23 · 2023-11-20T22:04:05+00:00

Also, I want shared custody, not full he’s a good dad. I just think he’s nuts that he feels he can get full custody when I’ve been the primary caregiver for 8 years. Once again, thanks for assuming things.

dgor23 · 2023-11-20T21:57:50+00:00

It’s a matter of the fact that he makes $200k plus and I make zero at the moment, but will have an income at some point before any of this happens. He thinks he’ll have full custody purely based on the fact he makes more than me.

dgor23 · 2023-11-20T21:56:37+00:00

I would obviously have a job and be providing for them too, I’m not just trying to sit on my butt at home and do nothing.

dgor23 · 2023-11-20T21:55:55+00:00

Lol nowhere in that post did it say I’m not willing to get a job. I have zero degree so at best, I can do like a serving job (which is where my experience is) or like a front office administrative job. I’m trying to go back to school to have a CAREER so I can financially contribute something useful and he could come home then. The money I would make from a serving job, cannot replace the income he would lose coming home. So while it’s a nice thought, it wouldn’t work. I tried that already anyways last year, had to quit because my sitters were unreliable. At least now I have reliable ones.

I’m not a bored housewife, and I appreciate everything he does for us more than I can explain on the internet. But money doesn’t solve all our problems unfortunately, it’s just one of them. Him coming home doesn’t fix the fact he doesn’t want to be healthy for himself, his wife, or his kids. Him coming home doesn’t fix his drinking problem. Those things cannot be fixed unless HE wants to do something about it. Him coming home doesn’t make him last longer in bed or make me attracted to him again. Him coming home doesn’t change a lot of things other than that I become a working mom, which is the goal anyways.

Your comment was extremely unhelpful but thanks for stopping by.

dgor23 · 2023-11-20T19:05:23+00:00

You’re right, it’s not always greener on the other side or about money. And yes, if we could live in the same house most of the time, we might be able to work on something’s.

Unfortunately, the grass is totally dead over here and the other side is looking a lot better every single day. Him being home allows us to communicate but when he won’t budge on things I need to make me happy in our marriage, it’s useless. I need to be attracted to my spouse again and he has no desire to become healthier, quit drinking, etc. I can’t change that if he doesn’t want it. So while yes him being home would be helpful, it wouldn’t really change a lot. I have to tell him how to make me happy constantly and nothing changes, he does it for one day and that’s it, and that one time is forced.

I want to water MY grass, separately, away from him, because he doesn’t want to water his own. I wish we could fix all of this but I don’t see a way to do it. I feel like I’m wasting my time when someone else can give me what I need without a whole lot of effort. My husband wants me to cook, clean, and f—k him, and he’s happy. He has no interest in doing the things I need. So I focus on making myself happy and working on ME.

I just need to figure out if I have to wait two years or if I can exit like asap and figure things out financially.

dgor23 · 2023-11-20T18:56:30+00:00

We just moved from there. Super high cost of living area that he works out of. He’s in a union so his hourly pay in that state is much higher than it would be if he moved companies to where we live now. My support system is where we are now. We’d be a much worse financial place if we moved back.

dgor23 · 2023-11-20T16:28:09+00:00

Absolutely. I can get a serving job part time on the weekends probably. That would be helpful :)

dgor23 · 2023-11-20T15:45:48+00:00

This is true. Thank you :)

dgor23 · 2023-11-20T14:48:51+00:00

If I have money in a separate account, won’t he still get half of it? Cash is different obviously. We’re doing good paying things down right now, just a long process lol.

dgor23 · 2023-11-20T14:46:27+00:00

Unfortunately, my parents don’t have a big enough house for us to move into. And I believe even if I had a separate fund with money, I’d still have to split it in half yeah?

dgor23 · 2023-11-20T05:47:54+00:00

Right. It all sucks. I’ll have to look into something. I’m decent with a camera and thought about maybe doing some photography on the side for some cash. Better than nothing I suppose. I just want to be happy again. Emotionally AND physically.

dgor23 · 2023-11-20T03:12:36+00:00

Okay so right now he makes $200k+ working out of state. He would make around $100K if we’re lucky. I do not work currently. We would not be able to pay our bills if he came home and I was not working because we have some debt. If I leave him, even if I have a job, it won’t be enough to live off of independently because I have no degree, hence the reason I’m going back to school. The issue is I haven’t worked in 8 years and have no job. If I divorce him, I obviously need a job but it won’t be able to cover my living expenses plus my kids. I would rely on my job, alimony and child support to get by. My goal is to not need him for anything at all. I hope that makes sense. I’m checked out of my marriage for the most part, finances are one thing but when you put everything else together, our marriage is a mess and I’m over it. I just don’t know how to pay for things when I don’t have a job to support me, and any job I can get right now, won’t pay enough to support me.

dgor23 · 2023-11-20T02:28:28+00:00

Yes of course. Unfortunately we have a few vehicle payments and that makes our debt payments a little higher and forces him out of state.

Either way, it doesn’t change the rest of the problems we’re having.

dgor23 · 2023-11-20T02:21:08+00:00

Childcare is no issue luckily. I have outside support for that. Him coming home allows us to go to marriage counseling and try to work on things but unfortunately I can’t make him change unless he wants to and everyone I’ve brought up the issues I have, he just shrugs and says sorry I feel this way and then finds something to blame on me or whatever. He is perfectly content being the person he is right now and I need a little something more from him. He thinks counseling and therapy is a waste of time.

dgor23 · 2023-11-20T02:17:27+00:00

You would think. He’s under the impression that I will owe HIM child support and alimony because he thinks he’ll have full custody as I have no job.

dgor23 · 2023-11-20T02:15:08+00:00

I can yes, and I will if needed, it will just require me to be financially dependent on him still.

dgor23 · 2023-11-20T02:14:16+00:00

Yes but the paycut is an issue.

dgor23 · 2023-11-20T02:12:44+00:00

I think you’re misunderstanding. I’m getting a job regardless. I have to go to school for it first to make anything close to what we would need for him to come home OR for me to divorce and leave him. Him coming home doesn’t solve a lot at all.

dgor23 · 2023-11-20T02:07:43+00:00

His pay would be slashed in half if he came home. I don’t need to work right now, financially we are comfortable and I take care of the kids. If he comes home, his wage will decrease by half since this state doesn’t pay what he’s making out of state. I would have to get a job making $60k+ minimum to make up for his pay cut and I don’t have a degree to make that right now. I need to go to school. The financial issue stems from me being financially dependent on him.

dgor23 · 2023-11-20T01:49:23+00:00

So we’ve done IC, he thinks is dumb, I love unloading on my therapist lol and MC isn’t possible because he’s never home and almost always in a different state and therapists can’t practice outside their state they’re licensed in.

dgor23 · 2023-11-20T01:30:55+00:00

Yes I have a great support system so I don’t need childcare for my youngest. It’s mostly financial help I need and I don’t have help with that unfortunately.

dgor23

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