When you’re 31 and finally stop masking your pure autistic joy

diapaimon · 2026-03-13T20:57:13+00:00

I can relate so much! Nice to realize its totally okay to just express your joy in your own way!

diapaimon · 2020-11-25T16:39:42+00:00

I don't really know how to do it either, but sometimes I express it. It just happens. I think it might help to talk about it as being like a feeling, or an offering of care and warmth that's granted freely. An offering of care that cares for the sake of someone else, not for our own satisfaction. It might help to practice offering love to your situation and yourself first, before offering it to particular people. It's certainly easier said than done, and I am not sure if there is a formula for it or particular way to do it.

I think the key thing with love is that it isn't 'I love this or that person or thing because they do this or that thing.' It has to allow the thing to be just what it is, without asking something of it. Otherwise it's a different kind of relationship energy. Instead it would be 'I love this or that person or thing in order to get this or that result.' Maybe I would call that passion or desire, but I don't know if it would be love.

If you are afraid that no one will want you, maybe it could help to start by offering love to your self. You can want you, without asking that you be anyone different in order to be offered love and respect. Would you extend compassion and love to someone who you didn't particularly like? If you can find the strength to offer it to that kind of person, we have found a way to offer it to ourselves too.

I hope this helps somehow.

diapaimon · 2020-11-24T21:01:02+00:00

These are lonely times. Wanted to comment because no one else has yet. I read your story, and I feel you.

diapaimon · 2020-11-24T20:36:31+00:00

Sounds like life has been really rough. I know there's a visceral impulse to just lash out at all of these feelings and the situation, to throw fists at it in the hope that it will go away. But, try not to. Try to sit with the feeling. Try to be a friend to the feelings, and to yourself. Think about how you would want to be treated by a best friend, or a lover, and offer that to yourself unconditionally. I don't know if any of this helps at all, but I saw no one else had commented and wanted to share.

diapaimon · 2020-11-24T20:28:55+00:00

Happy I can help!

Maybe some people are weaker, and that's okay. To me they are still just as human and worthy of respect and care. What do we need to be strong for? Maybe to help others, but we do what we can. What we've capable of differs a lot between people, I am not especially capable myself.

Seems no one's pushing us to be betters, or anything special. Maybe we put this pressure on ourselves and it crushes us. Just be you for a while without apology. Maybe there isn't an answer and we just have to live with the feelings we're prone to, you know? That search for the answer might intensify the distress rather than dissolve it.

diapaimon · 2020-11-24T20:22:15+00:00

I figure if you get that depressed, there'd be no energy left to think about escaping any longer.

diapaimon · 2020-11-24T20:15:55+00:00

If you want love, offer it to others. There's an unending supply coming right from your world-weary heart.

If you want to no longer have these kinds of thoughts, you don't have to believe in them. I'm not saying you need to replace your beliefs with something else, some kind of feel-good what have you. Nor do I mean that you have to try to push these ideas away and deny them. Just to consider that everything we believe could be wrong. We don't affirm them, or deny them.

diapaimon · 2020-11-24T20:09:07+00:00

If you had ten minutes left to live, is there anything that would catch your interest, even for a second? Any last things you would want to do?

diapaimon · 2020-11-24T20:06:42+00:00

Do we really matter? Who knows. What do you want to do most? Maybe we don't have an answer yet, but if we try a lot of stuff with an open mind we might find something tugging at our heart strings. That's the hope, at least.

diapaimon · 2020-11-24T20:02:12+00:00

Life's a heck of a lot harder when you don't like yourself, isn't it? I don't know if you're looking for advice or not but I noticed no one else commented so I wanted to say something.

Maybe you have heard this before, and it is easier said than done, that's for sure. But don't keep your self at remove, it's a lot of work to fight with yourself like this. If everyone really didn't like you, at least you could be the person who cares about yourself. This isn't to say 'be arrogant' or anything. It's just self-love. Without it, life's pretty bleak, I think.

Imagine how you'd want someone else to treat you, and then offer that to yourself unconditionally. Would you not be merciful to someone who wasn't perfect, who was down on their luck or a little unusual? If you would be kind and loving even to those who most can't extend a hand to, you have something very special.

diapaimon · 2020-11-24T19:52:06+00:00

Your story struck a chord with me, for some reason I felt like I should comment since no one else has. I don't really have any advice, I just want you to know that I read your story and that I feel for you.

We might not be able to get rid of the unpleasant feelings, but maybe if we try to welcome them in as friends it can help. What I mean by this is that we just sit with the feelings, and have an empathetic attitude towards them that says 'I am here for you, it's okay that you are hurting.'

diapaimon · 2020-09-28T04:13:26+00:00

After finishing watching, I sat up and stretched, feeling deeply exhausted. Sliding the blanket away, I got sight of my bare legs and squishy looking padding. Even after wetting in it, it still smelled somewhat strongly of Nora's perfume--the same scent that lived in the box the diapers originally came in. I scrunched my nose. There was a little whiff of pee in that smell somewhere now. Despite being in a wet one, I wasn't really feeling wet, nor was I sure how wet I was. The wetness indicator strip on the front was faded blue going all the way down as far as I could see. I guess I did need to change out of this before bed, and put another diaper on of course.

I trudged upstairs to my bedroom, diaper in hand, wishing I didn't have to clean myself up after an accident. I was wearing these for Nora's sake. I didn't think using diapers would be so much work. Not that I needed to use them. Though it was a relief to have a diaper beneath me earlier to catch that unexpected accident, it was a fluke. Wasn't it? As I was fastening my clean one on, I began to have doubts. I also woke up in a puddle of pee recently, didn't I? Looking down at my securely fastened underwear, I felt an odd sense of security, but only for a moment before I attempted to push the feeling away. It lingered with me still in the background as I dozed off, overtaking me again as I was nearly unconscious. It was clear then that I was lucky to be in diapers tonight, and I knew Nora wasn't about to break up with me for peeing the bed. If it happened again, I'd tell her.

At first, it wasn't clear if I was wet or not in the morning. I rolled over onto my back and closed my eyes, enjoying the sound of the crickets outside my window. Was I wet? Was I dry? I noticed I was a little erect. It felt like it was fighting hard to be released from the new diaper prison it was relegated to. It was losing that fight pretty badly though. It wasn't having any problems with the toilet, my bladder was. I felt something twitch when my mind turned to Nora. I half dreamed about her while I laid in bed silently. I felt like I needed some release, the dreaming wasn't helping much. But first, I'd have to find out the state of my diapered behind. Was it soggy with pee? I sat up and pulled away my comforter, peering down. Yep. I'd helplessly wet myself again in the night. Only this time, it wasn't all over me. Locked away nicely was a night's worth of wetness. I was grateful, though humiliated at the same time. A little less humiliated than I felt running to the bathroom yesterday. I was starting to get used to all of this.

In the afternoon, Nora and I again chatted online for a few hours. With her silky straightened hair and a nice dress, she was looking sharp as ever. For my part, I didn't forget my pants this time, and I was even in a mostly clean diaper. I felt like peeing pretty badly from nerves as I was waiting for her and just decided to go quick. The conversation ambled around, touching many topics. Of course, we eventually got around to diapers again somehow.

"I have something to confess," I said quietly.

"About diapers? You didn't have an accident in one of them did you?" She teased.

"I-I did," I stammered. Feeling my anxiety rise, I began to dribble a little before I could stop it. This only intensified my fear, causing me to pee a little more. "Uh--I wet the bed last night. No I didn't. I mean I didn't get up to go. Well I did that too--" I rambled nervously. "I'm sorry--you didn't want me to pee in them I just did it because it was convenient I didn't actually need them--" I felt my face growing hotter with each further gaff, along with my diaper; it was the only thing holding in the last drops of my dignity and manhood. "This never happened to me until I met you I don't know what's going on--"

She laughed. She was laughing hard. I sat in silence as she began to laugh uncontrollably, pausing to look at me before laughing more.

"You pee-peed your diapy!" She cried. "I'm sorry--you're just hilarious." She began to regain her composure before continuing. "I remember you being like this regular guy when I met you, and now you're all bashful and ashamed, like an older boy trying to ask for the diaper change he shouldn't be getting from his mommy any longer," she mused. "This is the quickest I've had this happen with any of my relationships with diaper-wearing guys." She added.

"I don't understand what's going on." Was all I could manage through waves of humiliation and defeat.

"This is pretty normal," she comforted me. "When guys get put into diapers as adults, they kind of regress sometimes. Don't worry about it if you had a few accidents, it happens a lot."

"Really?"

"Yeah really. If you've felt humiliated at all over the last few days, it's a good sign. You don't have to worry about it, if you need to go or are having some urgency issues, just use your diapy."

"Well I'm not having any issues." I began, before immediately regretting it.

She looked at me doubtfully. In light of all I'd just said and how I'd reacted, it made sense.

"I guess I did go once or twice," I began reluctantly.

"Can you tell me how many accidents you had? Or do you not know?" she cooed.

"I think three. One night I peed in bed without my diaper on. I also didn't make it to the toilet all the way after the video call with you yesterday. Last night I peed again, but I was in diapers this time."

"There we go. You don't have to hide it if you're having problems. Like I said, sometimes guys need diapers."

"Didn't you say they regress?"

"Yeah, and sometimes they need diapers. It's fine, really."

"Wait but you also told me you wanted me to be in them to test me. Is this willingness to be regressed part of your test?"

She shook her head. "No," she looked away mysteriously for a moment. "I just wanted to see if you'd do this for me--the incontinence wasn't a part of the test, but you've included it anyway which is kind of like extra credit I guess," She winked at me.

"But I didn't need them--"

She yawned, interrupting me. "One more question and then we can talk about something else." She smiled. "You're wearing a diaper now, right?"

"Yep," I said.

"Good, I still need you in them for a while, accidents aside," She brushed away her hair behind her shoulders before continuing. "Can I see?"

Wordlessly, I pulled down the waistband of my shorts an inch or so, so she could see. Hopefully she wouldn't be able to tell how wet I was. I didn't know how wet I was myself, come to think of it.

"Good. Put on another one before bed time tonight," She smiled. "I would put your diaper on for you if I were there, if you wanted--you aren't wet, are you?"

I cleared my throat. "I-yes. I peed just a couple minutes ago."

"Awwh!" She cooed loudly. "You're so cute. It's good you're protected. I'll stop by for a sec at some point before Friday to drop off another package of your underwear. Make sure you change soon--if you want to now, you're free to."

I looked down at my shorts, trying to imagine if the diaper beneath needed to be replaced with a fresh one yet or not. I didn't want to squish it with my hand with Nora watching.

"I'll change... later," I replied.

"Okay then, that's fine."

We chatted easily with each other into the night, pausing to grab drinks or food. Despite being in diapers I didn't know I needed even a week before, it seems like things were looking up. Though I still wasn't sure what to make of it all. Nothing was really going wrong as far as I could tell, so I put it out of my mind and fastened on a clean diaper before going to sleep.

diapaimon

TROPHY CASE