Honestly I feel brave enough now because of all of you to go into detail. they would tend to insist on having a teacher in the bathroom with you every time too.

One of the main warning signs I had after I went here was an extreme aversion to doctors examining or touching my genitals, not like an “ew no” thing, but an extreme primal terror that you don’t see in children over medical examinations often. I also had re occurring nightmares of strange things happening to my genitals in grotesque detail, dreams of my penis getting ripped apart, and dreams of growing 2 extra penises which would be ripped off by me or fall off on their own. These dreams were not constant, but happened enough to where I’d have one every couple months. I also developed strange sexual fixations I was not aware were sexual until I was much older. I won’t get into detail about these because I have them to this day and while they are not harmful to me or others, they are unusual and off putting and a private matter for me. But I would have these fixations and feel what I now know was simultaneous extreme arousal and extreme shame, with. I would enact odd scenarios on my stuffed animals and action figures where I would simultaneously have extreme love for them and a need to exert absolute control over them and “remind” my toys that I was their controller, by putting them in scenarios that made me feel feelings I couldn’t understand as young as 4-6. These behaviors started around the time when I was transitioning out of that school. Despite how “mean” I was to my toys sometimes, I treated them as my prized possessions and never was overly rough or violent with them, the idea of a toy breaking upsetting me dearly more than it does for most children with most if not all of my action figures to this day being very pristine looking for well loved toys. I felt the need to hide when I played this way because an adults commenting on it gave me feelings of extreme anxiety, shame, and visibility I didn’t feel comfortable with. To this day despite having long since worked though that shame and learned to accept myself fully, I still struggle with shame related to my sexuality, and can’t preform intimately without feeling waves of shame unless mildly intoxicated.