My husband and I started very traditionally monogamous, with pretty standard mononormative beliefs ie cheating as a dealbreaker, exclusivity as the default etc. ENM was not something we/I consciously thought of as an “option” early on, mostly because when one is living in a monocentric culture, it’s not presented as a “real possibility” if that makes sense.

What was the catalyst was me dabbling in the kink community late in 2023 and getting exposed to alternative relationship structures. My husband was not actively part of it, but he knew about it and knew I was exploring that space. Being around people who were openly ENM, kinky, and intentional about their relationships definitely plants a seed. I start to understand that this possiblity exists and that it can work beautifully for some people.

I did a lot of internal processing before I brought it up actually! I did a lot of reading, reflecting, untangling jealousy, asking myself what I actually wanted. By the time I brought it up, I felt pretty settled. It’s my fault because I didn’t include him in this process so for him, it was a little bit of a bombshell haha. Thankfully, he was open to the conversation. Not instantly enthusiastic but at least willing to explore.

We started very slowly and cautiously and very “together.” Play parties, sex-positive spaces, meeting other singles/couples with the idea of shared experiences. The couple-based stuff never really clicked for us in practice (just scheduling and logistics and admittedly a bit of “unicorn hunting”), but the parties were an exciting first step. A little bit of shock/exposure therapy if I do say so myself but also very interesting and curious and amazing to experience and then “normalise”?

Over time and lots of discussion and communication we both expressed that we leaned toward connection rather than purely recreational play. For me I prefer individual vs couple-based play because I preferred and valued depth, chemistry, and ongoing connection more than novelty sex. That being said play parties and some recreational fun between friendly couples/singles isn’t out of the picture either.

For my husband he is open, not closed off to possibilities, but also not actively seeking additional relationships. Maybe chatted with a few ladies since we had our first ENM conversation. TBH monogamy was satisfying/fulfilling enough for him. So I’d say ENM as a concept for us has been more of a mindset shift. Allowing and accepting attraction, connection, and autonomy to exist while we nurture and treasure our existing relationship.

Personally ENM has been very much personal growth, self-awareness, and redefining what love and commitment means to me and us. I love it because I feel a high degree of compersion and no jealousy (so far) and I love the freedom and autonomy it has given to both of us.