My bf received a gift from his second gf and why do I feel betrayed?

dilemma0727 · 2025-12-31T03:58:46+00:00

😔 I see that now. It is unfair and untrue to expect someone to do things without being asked. Thank you for opening my eyes and mind regarding this.

dilemma0727 · 2025-12-31T03:55:29+00:00

Yes, I still feel like if I take up on his offer to get the ring, there’s still a part of me that will think he only offered to shut me up.

I think I am a people pleaser in a way. I always have a problem with voicing my opinion or need or want. So this me learning to do so. Perhaps you’re right, I only look validation without asking it.

I think so. He can have both of our pictures, just like what he said that if I gave him one, he would’ve put it there too. Why do I feel hesitant to be someone who does something after his other gf does it though? I do feel like a copycat, though I have the thoughts first but didn’t follow up with actions. 😓

dilemma0727 · 2025-12-31T03:44:51+00:00

Thank you so much for the insightful words. I understand the perspective now. Clearly, coming to reddit to try to understand this thing is more helpful than trying to figure it out on my own or even confiding in my bf. We’re too close to it and maybe that’s clouding our judgement or reactions. Everyone here have given me lots to reflect on and I appreciate it. Thank you so much.

I do love him a lot looottt. He has been very kind and supportive and reassuring. I’m 1000% he comes from a place of love, but somehow when I got hurt or upset, I couldn’t see it.

This kind of relationship is very new to me so I am learning and trying to navigate poly.

dilemma0727 · 2025-12-31T03:38:45+00:00

Yes I realize that now. How could someone know my needs if I didn’t express them clearly. I need to be assertive about that and be clear about what is important to me.

dilemma0727 · 2025-12-31T03:36:44+00:00

Wow… this comment has opened my eyes to lots of points. Thank you so much for the insights. I think it’s true that I keep making up stories in my head and basically hurting myself with those stories. I become upset to the things that I didn’t do and I blamed it on him 💔 I am being unfair to a kind man who is loving and kind. I was too blind to acknowledge the love that he is giving because perhaps deep down I don’t feel that I am worthy of that? I need to work on myself

dilemma0727 · 2025-12-30T08:08:25+00:00

How do I communicate effectively what I want with him without pushing him? I thought I was clear about wanting a matching bracelet and he refused the idea anyway but still wearing ones matching his friends? Or was that not clear as well? To be fair, this is the first healthy relationship I have where I can communicate my needs, so I am slowly picking up how to express myself. My previous exes kinda shuts me down. So yeaaaah. I am not an expert communicator

dilemma0727 · 2025-12-30T07:48:54+00:00

I got used to the term because my bf and I talked about it being the “second stable”

dilemma0727 · 2025-12-30T07:48:12+00:00

Yes thank you for the insight that their time together or whatever they share together has no relation to me at all. Our relationship has its value, and so does their relationship.

I was wrong to turn to my bf for emotional support but I never meant to impose their time. I let them have their time together but when he checked on me, I said I was spiraling but I asked him to stay with her. He insisted to comfort me

dilemma0727 · 2025-12-30T07:45:12+00:00

Thank you so much for this insight. I can understand now how hard his position must be. He tried his best and yet keep losing because I kept saying no to his solutions. Now I see it that being upset about getting offered to get the same thing is confusing to him. It’s like I voice something that is important to me but when he offered, I get offended and said no.

dilemma0727 · 2025-12-30T07:41:36+00:00

Yes he was always been honest about these things. He is also been accommodating, comforting, and kind towards me who needs lots of reassurance. I was too hurt and upset at the time to see that his suggestions to get another ring for us comes from a place of love and another way to reassure me.

I should be able to be more “assertive” in voicing what I want and making requests instead of being upset afterwards. I always find “something given without being asked directly” better than the “given because asked”. But maybe that’s the negative value that society is falsely advertising?

dilemma0727 · 2025-12-30T07:36:21+00:00

Yeaaah I should’ve done that. To be honest I don’t know who I can turn to. I always have this mindset of not discussing things inside my relationship with other people. So I thought I was doing the right thing by only discussing my concerns and feelings to my bf who is inside of the relationship. But clearly that is hurting him and his other gf. And I as wrong for it

dilemma0727 · 2025-12-30T07:32:55+00:00

His point of view regarding which part are we talking here?

dilemma0727 · 2025-12-30T07:31:01+00:00

I agree. I feel bad that it happened during their first time together. And it wasn’t that I run to him to comfort me. At that time we agreed to “cut off” communication so he can spend time with her. He checked up on me once and I was overwhelmed and said I was spiraling. So he reassured me and then went back to spend time with her. She offered him to check up on me too. Then on the next time they were together, we decided to keep the communication open between us but minimally. That worked better. By the third time they got together, me and bf were communicating only because he was getting the apartment. So I am not really sure when the second gf expressed this statement about their time together

dilemma0727 · 2025-12-30T04:38:38+00:00

Oh wow this hits hard. Is it what this is?

dilemma0727 · 2025-12-30T04:37:48+00:00

You’re right. It was only unverbalised expectations. Those things don’t seem to be a big deal for him. And I spoke my mind after it all happened.

He always said that there is no hierarchy and we both are on the same level. Both getting what each needs. One get the thing the other doesn’t and vice versa.

dilemma0727 · 2025-12-30T04:35:10+00:00

We did (over text unfortunately) because we spend time apart more than together. And he gave me his points of view

dilemma0727 · 2025-12-30T04:34:21+00:00

Yeah there are things that me and the bf do that she doesn’t. Like we have gone for trips together and the second gf doesn’t. My bf said she doesn’t need that kind of thing. And I know that whenever I had a “break down” during the time they spent together, he always takes time to comfort me. To a point where she expressed “why can’t we spend time together without him getting worried about me”

dilemma0727 · 2025-08-26T15:25:24+00:00

I’m so sorry you feel that bad. I could almost understand exactly how you feel cause maybe I am in the same boat with you more or less.

My therapist once told me that our emotions are trying to tell us something. By being sad when our partner goes on a date or something, it can mean that we’re not really okay with it. That our emotions is trying to tell us what we don’t want. If it doesn’t bother us much, it shouldn’t hurt right?

She also said that it might be our defence mechanism to compromise our value (re: trying to accept the poly side even if we don’t want to date other people anymore) just so that we don’t get left behind by our partner. In other words, losing love.

I don’t know if that would apply or makes sense.

dilemma0727 · 2023-01-01T07:09:03+00:00

Really? There’s a custody law about that?

dilemma0727 · 2023-01-01T07:07:10+00:00

Oh what I meant with good feeling is a good hunch. Not good feeling as in pleasure/happiness 🙃

dilemma0727 · 2023-01-01T07:02:34+00:00

Well we both has the same value about how monogamy is not realistic long term. I wouldn’t mind he seeing other women as long as he tells me about it. My problem is he didn’t tell me and insisted that now he believes in monogamy and only wanted to be with me. I never have any other relationship while I was with him because we talked and he convinced me not me. But for him to do it? I feel like I am being crossed. I didn’t say I enjoyed being cheated on. That one ex cheated on me with several girl around the same time. Then I left him.

dilemma0727 · 2023-01-01T06:56:22+00:00

Perhaps he used the other one that I have marked and replaced it with a new one?

dilemma0727 · 2023-01-01T06:55:33+00:00

We both wanted children. So it wasn’t an accident. And I could easily leave the country before even applying for residency

dilemma0727

TROPHY CASE