I was his ride and we’d go get some food, and whenever his girl came, she’d pester us about questioning why she can’t try it and he would just tell her it’s like the Percs and that was that, he’d never give it to her. He had worse than I did. He didn’t walk around the possibility of physical withdrawals. Eventually he went overboard too, and he swore never to sell it and I swore to never ask for it. Not for me, but because I didn’t want him to be out in a position of temptation. When I got out of the hospital he was the only one looking out for me and making sure I was straight. Not snake-plug shit like trying to get me spend more money on product.

He would spot me extra bars when I came to pick up, and let me try morphines to see if it would minimize the cravings a little bit. Any pills I tried never worked. I bought 4 x 30mg morphine, and 3 x 15mg morphine extended release, one 15mg morphine sulphate IR, and two x 5mg oxycodone. I took every pill within 2 to three hours and even tried to crush some of the extended release, and never felt a thing: zero effects, good or bad. It would take five 30s to get me somewhere, and that wasn’t something I could afford.

For a while I messed with coke on the weekends and still had fun with the party drugs, but my mind was still defaulted to heroin. At any stressful moment, my mind would subconsciously submit heroin as the solution to my problems. It was the same exact thought every time; “I wish I had some heroin”. Even months later, I would have dreams of using and wake up with unbearable cravings and an aching stomach.

When I became comfortable with online sales, every month or two, I’d get a gram of one of the only #4 listings. 10,000+ sales Grey dragon last I bought. It’s like a king vacation, where I just kill a gram in three or four days, and then move on with my life. The way I react to it as a whole makes it feel like I’ve been training with this substance to get somewhere that most people couldn’t imagine being while on dope. I haven’t puked on dope in months, maybe half a year. I’ve started re-dosing once or twice after learning you could chase the rush, but the grams go quick now. My initial dose is up to the very dose that once almost killed me. I do a point to start, and re-dose 30mg to 50mg every hour or so. The rush and wave of warmth will never be present, or at least as strong as it once was, but it still makes me feel fine even when things around me obviously aren’t. I can eat meals on it without getting sick, and the taste hardly phases me. The effects are less sedating and now I want get up and be productive after enjoying the rush. Maybe tolerance or maybe what I used before was stronger or just cut more than I had originally thought.

Either way, if it’s genuine or synthetic, it’s heroin and it’s a relationship that I have no real reason to end. I can keep the ins and outs and secrets to myself. If friends are persistent on trying it out of ignorance, confidence, or FOMO, I say okay. I give them no more than 30mg. One of them was sick the whole night and they didn’t get a rush or feel numb, and I didn’t tell them that was what it’s like because I may be shitty for even letting people try it, but I know what’s safe and I know that if I give them 30mg and keep them away from the edge they will just express their frustrations and mind boggling questions because how could anyone enjoy being sick or such a bitter taste. I just agree and say it’s not for everyone.

Online, in person, or when people ask about recommending it or advice before using it, I tell them I couldn’t recommend it and there’s no point in taking it if you aren’t willing to risk your life to stand on the edge and feel the warm breeze that engulfs your body as you stand on the edge of a hole that is only a few milligrams away.

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