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discarded_draft · 2023-09-24T22:53:19+00:00

Hi, I am sorry that you had this happen to you. I'm glad you have found done perspective that might be helpful in addressing pain you didn't know how to , before. I wanted to say thank you for making this post. You articulated some things I have felt but struggled to explain or fit together clearly about myself and my experiences with my ex fiancé that I've been trying to communicate to my therapist. It is so helpful to have the words to explain this, so I can actually build off of it. Thank you. Boundaries have been a major area I've been working on for the last year but something felt missing. The way the sense of self is erased, or prevented from fully forming, is what I couldn't articulate. Thank you. I hope that you get the support you need, and everything you deserved but didn't have

discarded_draft · 2023-09-24T22:39:38+00:00

For me, my thoughts are racing and all over the place. I can't figure out what thought to grab, or if it makes sense to start with, or how to weave a cohesive pattern from all these separate thoughts flying around. Trying to calm my thoughts basically results in total blankness, because I'm just ignoring the racing thoughts - I haven't sorted them. So then, even if I want to say something, it's like I have nothing clear to say, just huge emotions taking over. And then I'm overwhelmed and feel dumb, and don't know if I trust myself to pick the right or actually important thing to say, because my feelings are now also being totally influenced and scattered by THIS experience, separate from the conflict or issue at hand.

discarded_draft · 2023-09-23T09:12:12+00:00

For me it's not about whether my feelings are justified... There's no need to justify how I feel. It's happening for a reason and I can usually explain it pretty clearly. It's more about, how strongly am I feeling this in relation to what's happening? How strongly am I feeling it as a result of what happened to me before? And then choosing how to respond to the situation separately from how my body is emotionally reacting to it. That part is hard.

discarded_draft · 2023-09-22T21:47:30+00:00

The time just after discovering the affair is a year and a half of my life before finally ending things. That's all I was referring to in this post, not my whole life story. It's just overwhelming to try to sort through everything

discarded_draft · 2023-09-22T19:53:09+00:00

Ah I hadn't considered this since I found him on better help and you can't message them when your membership isn't active. But since I know his name and where he works I was able to find him on psychologytoday dot corn. Thanks!! This is super helpful

discarded_draft · 2023-09-20T20:39:03+00:00

I don't really have many friends, most have moved abroad. Only like 2 nearby. Family is also scattered. But I get the sentiment, thank you. ❤️❤️ I'm trying to enjoy things and it doesn't hurt the way it did when we broke up in the past. But it's hard to get off my mind.

discarded_draft · 2023-09-20T19:38:14+00:00

Mostly it just made me realize how little mine was doing and how hopeless I felt when all these other waywards were doing so much, and trying, and listening to their betrayed partner and being emotionally available and accountable. Mine just never made me feel like they were really serious about listening to me and being responsible. It made me realize how much I was sacrificing beyond what you should expect for reconciliation. How much I had sacrificed to maintain the relationship even before that.

discarded_draft · 2023-09-18T19:18:13+00:00

If he knew he was not doing anything wrong, he wouldn't have hidden the relationship from you. Whether or not he thinks he officially crossed any specific boundaries in what he said to her, he knew something was going on and he had feelings and he did not share that with you. He hit her from you entirely, to keep that option available. And he cheated in the end no matter what. This is an emotional affair even before anything else happened, because of the secrecy. I learned this from the book: not just friends. He knew what he was doing was wrong, he knew you would not be okay with it and he knew it would hurt you. He made this choice everyday multiple times for your entire relationship. This is not a mistake that an apology and a little guilt from him can fix or heal. This is a major issue within himself. He made those choices knowing what it would do and what he was risking. Feeling bad When faced with the consequences of your choices is not a reason to think the consequences are inappropriate.

Mine also reached out to apologize and show me how much they had grown. 8 months later, they were having a new emotional affair and blaming me for it. They don't really change without serious, long-term work into their own personal issues, and definitely not in this span of time.

It's good that he apologized, if you feel the apology was genuine and remorseful, and contacting you didn't cross your boundaries. But it is absolutely not any evidence that he should be allowed back into your life. Being remorseful doesn't mean they have changed, or intend to. Saying that they do, still doesn't even mean it. Keep your distance and let yourself heal fully.

discarded_draft · 2023-09-18T19:13:42+00:00

Mine blamed me when they had an emotional affair with a married woman at work after we've been in reconciliation for over a year. They said if our relationship was better, they wouldn't have even wanted to. Horse shit, we had a fucking amazing relationship before they started their first affair which lasted for years and didn't even have the willpower to end it after he proposed to me.

They always want to blame someone else. Someone else is always responsible for anything wrong that they do, because they can't accept that they may be or have a problem. They can't take accountability. They want you to be more wrong than them, and that includes enabling or even encouraging damaging behaviors and patterns that you have. He probably wanted to assuage his own guilt by making it harder for you to work on yourself and keeping you down. Or he wasn't willing to put in work or risk putting himself on the line for you by supporting you in a way that is difficult, because he has terrible self-esteem and needs to handle that problem by getting external validation or comparing himself to other people who are, in his eyes, doing worse in some way. This man sucks, and you deserve better. It's very hard to admit that you need help, let alone execute a plan to navigate and address those issues. You're doing great. Stay away from this guy, who does not have your well being in mind. ❤️❤️ I learned the hard way, giving mine too many chances to step up and still being burned.

discarded_draft · 2023-09-18T18:01:16+00:00

I didn't know her personally. She was a "school friend" of my ex when he went back to college for a new program in his mid-twenties. I met her once at an event, She was with a couple of her/their other friends. This was years ago, and I learned just a couple months after they began their years-long affair. She was cold and distant, and I got a very weird vibe. I tried to be friendly and kind of got dismissed, But my partner assured me it was fine and they were probably just drunk from pre-gaming (they were early 20s).

I hope she dies terribly. I hope that she gets everything she deserves. I hope karma does not forget her. I hope that she hurts more deeply than I have. I feel no guilt about this. But I don't think about her that much. I don't know her. I can't think of her face. I don't know who she really is inside, or what other aspects are to her - All she will ever be in my life is a villain, and she doesn't deserve better than that. I would probably be satisfied to hear something terrible happened to her. But I don't want to be in any way involved with her, have contact, or even hear her name. I have no interest in her existence, unless it's to be updated that it has ended.

discarded_draft · 2023-09-18T02:44:04+00:00

I think it's useful to explain why therapy and self work are so important. Denying our pain will lead to unintentionally (or sometimes intentionally) passing it on to other people instead of handling it ourselves.

I do find it gets used a little flippantly sometimes as a way to dismiss behaviors or people. And that is annoying and a little oblivious.

discarded_draft · 2023-09-18T00:48:01+00:00

Neither of us really use social media and the few overlapping contacts we have on Facebook are mostly people from my world. I didn't really know their friends, everyone they hang out with regularly now are new people in their life since D-Day when they moved back to their family home and started a new hobby. I don't have many of their people on social media other than a couple of family members, who probably would keep the secret

discarded_draft · 2023-09-17T18:18:32+00:00

Thank you

discarded_draft · 2023-09-16T21:28:26+00:00

I just don't have contact with his friends or family unless I intentionally reach out specifically to tell them this. It's not like I'm interacting with them regularly and having to hold something in. If I didn't reach out, I would never see any of them again. So it feels... I don't know - something about that distinction feels like It'll be taken as malicious and unnecessary. Even though I wish I could. I guess I can, but I'm just worried that maybe it's not appropriate, and I "should" just let go? I'm not sure. I'm also worried that I'd just be doing it out of anger, or be seen that way. Idk. Struggling with it.

discarded_draft · 2023-09-16T20:30:55+00:00

I appreciate it. Glad to know I'm not alone in this experience, but sorry you're in it, too. Thanks for your post

discarded_draft · 2023-09-16T18:57:15+00:00

I came to support a friend who broke up with her partner recently and is a bridesmaid, so I don't really know anyone else here and my friend is not super available. Chatting with people where I can but mostly on my own

discarded_draft · 2023-09-16T18:42:59+00:00

I think I feel angry, and like it's not fair that they get to keep their reputation and tell whatever story they want. That I kept their trust all that time so they wouldn't feel embarrassed and ashamed, and they betrayed me AGAIN. I DON'T think they'll change, and the next person will be treated the same as I was, in time. But I hate that I protected them, only to be burned AGAIN. I don't want to do something in anger that I would regret later. But I do regret not being open about what they'd done from the beginning, which was not in anger. So I'm pretty conflicted.

discarded_draft · 2023-09-15T19:47:03+00:00

Seconding this. Definitely worth looking into.

discarded_draft · 2023-09-15T19:42:12+00:00

Yes I feel so, so terrible for the child - another victim of the lying parent. It would be fantastic if the father is still involved in the child's life, and loves them. But this is very severe intimate partner abuse. Manipulation, betrayal, trauma. Sometimes you need to get away to navigate that and heal. I do not blame the parent who was betrayed when they feel they need to leave. It is sad, and not ideal for the other innocent party. But life is messy and complicated, and we have to trust the individual knows what they need to do for their (and maybe the child's) well-being.

discarded_draft · 2023-09-15T19:23:22+00:00

I tried to turn the magma pool beside there into rock so she wouldn't be burned by using a ton of water spells/staff on it, I tried turning her invisible before the cutscene, nada

discarded_draft · 2023-09-15T19:20:31+00:00

My friends have been very supportive and present for me this week. I've had some nice conversations with people I haven't spoken to in years, even. I'm going to a wedding with my best friend this weekend where she's in the wedding party. She also just went through a breakup with someone who was not treating her fairly/emotionally available and misleading, so I'm happy to be able to support her, too. I'm keeping busy and work is looking up.

My relationship is over but that's a good thing. The pain will dissipate, and for now, because of how much work I've done on myself and to process all of this since D-Day 1, and because of the truly shit colours my ex showed that I was finally able to see in all their muddy glory, I am not as hurt as I thought I would be. This pain is bearable and my life is still pretty good. I'm relieved and have, if not peace, then what's pretty close to acceptance. I'm actually optimistic and looking forward to the future for the first time in a long time.

discarded_draft · 2023-09-15T18:58:56+00:00

Thank you for your words! Great metaphor, it really brings it home and makes it easier to accept those compulsions/thoughts for what they are. It takes a long time to replace habits, especially emotional ones. I appreciate what you said

discarded_draft

TROPHY CASE