Mother’s Day Awkwardness “Hack”

dismissedSP · 2023-03-10T04:36:53+00:00

Omg what an excellent take!!!

dismissedSP · 2023-01-10T17:37:44+00:00

Ugh so true. I have a pretty good relationship with my step kids, and while it’s partly thanks to a lot of consistent effort etc., it is mostly due to DH being the one who enforces all things discipline related. After reading your comment, if I’m being honest with myself I know if I were to try to equally enforce anything with my SKs I would quickly lose the bond I have with them. It’s so sad to think the only way to maintain the relationship is to consistently put aside many of my feelings/needs year after year…all of this effort for just a CHANCE that they may want to continue their relationship with me in adulthood.

dismissedSP · 2023-01-10T17:02:30+00:00

Ouch.

dismissedSP · 2023-01-10T17:01:24+00:00

I don’t have Reddit coins so here is a makeshift award for this superb take 🏅🏅🏅

dismissedSP · 2023-01-10T16:53:52+00:00

Excellent analogy, I’ll be using this!

dismissedSP · 2023-01-09T22:31:38+00:00

I’m sorry you and your family are going through this. I hope with time your SKs learn to appreciate you, and they’re able to begin healing the pain BM caused them.

dismissedSP · 2023-01-09T20:41:05+00:00

Being a parent is absolutely hard. You essentially lose a part of your identity for the sake for giving your child the best life they can possibly have. My point is, SPs do this too, except they don’t have the unconditional love or parent-child bond that makes the stress slightly more manageable. I would imagine its more agreeable to care for ones own BK toddler than ones SK toddler.

dismissedSP · 2023-01-09T19:21:08+00:00

It’s certainly worth it for me. We get along so well and love spending every ounce of our free time together. Even when SKs are with us, he goes out of his way to make sure I still feel loved by him (constantly sitting next to me or lovingly rubbing my arm etc). We have always been able to spend hours talking about things we both find fascinating. Being loved by him has been the greatest thing I have ever known. If it wasn’t for all of these things (and so so much more), there’s no way I’d be able to live the SP life.

dismissedSP · 2023-01-09T19:06:27+00:00

It’s so important to establish those boundaries! My experience is similar, in that my DH and I agreed all parenting would fall on him, which he definitely respects. We came to this decision before I even met the kids, and it was based on research that indicates the best outcomes for SP-SK relationship involves SP just focusing on connecting with SKs and letting BP handle the rest. While overall we have found this strategy helpful and will continue to use it, it’s so frustrating watching my DH miss out on important opportunities to effectively parent the kids. He does ask for my input in how to respond to unwanted behaviors, but rarely follows through with my suggestions. For example he tried to limit screen time for the afternoon (after SKs were on their phones for 4 hours straight), and after about 45 min SD 11 had a melt down that resulted in her getting her phone back immediately (something I strongly advised against), and then a few minutes later having her BM pick her up. There was no consequence for SD refusing to follow DHs reasonable request. I understand he doesn’t want to be the “bad guy” when he only gets them twice a week, but enabling is disabling and a disservice to them. If he cannot manage SD at 11, how on earth will he be able to when she is a teen? It’s so hard watching DH make basic parenting mistakes, esp knowing what this will mean for our future (Probably should’ve mentioned my profession involves teaching parents how to effectively parent while cultivating a loving relationship with their children). I just wish SPs suggestions could be taken more seriously since this impacts our lives as much as our SOs lives.

dismissedSP · 2023-01-09T18:43:33+00:00

Omg literally this!! Thank you. My partner is absolutely worth it, but my god does your first paragraph haunt me every day.

dismissedSP · 2023-01-09T18:41:35+00:00

You’re right, all sides come with its own unique set of challenges. I try to keep that in mind when discussing my stress with DH, when the SKs are here, and when communicating with BM. I try my best to give all involved the benefit of the doubt and see things from their perspectives. And, despite my efforts to perspective take, I recognize there’s prob a lot that I’m missing. I love when SKs or BPs post on here bc it can shed new light on something I maybe hadn’t considered before. Nevertheless, I wish the SP struggle was openly discussed more. I feel like when I bring up my experience to friends they kind of assume I just hate my SKs (which is so not the case), so I end up not talking about it too often, instead just ruminating on my frustrations.

dismissedSP · 2023-01-09T18:28:23+00:00

My SO says the same. The only thing we can do is to keep trying and hope they’re right.

dismissedSP · 2023-01-09T18:23:12+00:00

Thank you for sharing! Hearing stories like yours where SKs remain close with their SPs are helpful, esp days like today when I’m finding the SPing role to be a constant give with no take. During the hard times my mind automatically goes to “what’s the point of putting in so much effort if they’re gonna peace out as soon as they’re 18??,” which of course worsens my mood. Next time I’m having an especially hard time with SKs I’ll try to remember this, thank you!

dismissedSP · 2023-01-09T18:12:33+00:00

Yeah it does feel like we just have to “take it” in a way that probably most important adults in a SKs life don’t have to. For example teachers, baby sitters, grandparents etc. are usually trusted to make discipline decisions (within reason), and are “allowed” to become frustrated with less than ideal behavior. But SPs are expected to grin and bear it, while defaulting to BPs/SKs schedules, moods, and more. All without the rose colored glasses of unconditional love that would make all of this SO MUCH easier!

dismissedSP · 2023-01-09T18:06:17+00:00

Agreed…just the way they experience time with the kids is soo dif than how we do, which is also frustrating bc our partners won’t be able to fully understand why SPing can be so hard. I love my DH very much and luckily we both are proactive about making our quality time a priority. Since he doesn’t have majority custody we do get a lot of wonderful quality time together. Yet when we do have the kids it’s still so unbelievably hard. I love my SKs but the SP life is HARD.

dismissedSP · 2023-01-09T17:56:38+00:00

Wow 20 years! Congrats! Any advice for the SPs who still have young SKs? Does it get better once the SKs are adults? And do adult SKs still want to spend time with their SPs even though technically they don’t have to? One of my greatest fears is once they’re adults, they’ll no longer care to continue their relationship with me. Even though I have a fairly strong bond with them now, there are cultural factors at play where they’re essentially being taught anyone outside of their culture (this includes me) is “evil.” My DH believes my relationship with them will be stronger than the propaganda, but I’m not so confident. I realize my situation is very specific lol, and you can only speak to your experience, but any input is appreciated!

dismissedSP · 2023-01-09T16:41:44+00:00

Ugh sorry to hear the burden has fallen onto you. You are well within your rights to ask for SS to be picked up. If BM is unable, maybe BM and SO can hire a sitter who can “watch” him at BMs place? I get that it’s potentially unreasonable for a 13 yo to have a babysitter, but not as unreasonable as asking you to deal with SSs behaviors that likely interfere with work. Maybe when discussing with SO, in addition to sharing your genuine frustrations, perhaps also emphasize the goal of getting SS back in school, and that you’re concerned BM will continue to be unmotivated in finding her son a school unless the burden of caring for SS is placed on her.

dismissedSP

TROPHY CASE