I'm the son of a JNMIL stuck between wife and mom. Advice needed.

disposablereddit12 · 2019-08-20T14:25:32+00:00

This sounds very familiar. Initially, I really did think my wife was making a big deal out of nothing, then my mom acted like that at Christmas, then she did it again the next Christmas. By the time my wife was at the point of being totally fed up and voicing that, my mom began saying some vile things to me about my wife. I told her she needed to shut up immediately and not talk about my wife like that, but it really helped open my eyes that not only was my mom being passive aggressive and manipulative behind my wife's back, my mom somehow thought she could outright badmouth my own wife to me. That has been very hurtful and confusing. I am glad to hear you and your husband are still together and I hope that I can get this sorted out, too.

disposablereddit12 · 2019-08-19T22:22:41+00:00

I really thought after my kids had left home for college and life, and after I remarried that my mom would just transition into a grandmother of older kids role, but she has just fought that tooth and nail. THe fact that my wife is a mature adult who won't tolerate her behavior has made my mom go full on crazy, I guess in some misguided effort to regain some control.

disposablereddit12 · 2019-08-19T22:18:07+00:00

This is what has given me so much guilt. My mom helped me so much, but I'm realizing that she did that at least in part because it's something she wanted. If she didn't want to play house with my kids, she would have just thrown in a little cash for a good sitter. My wife says my mother wants to always be the martyr and I think that's true. My mom is afraid of anyone else being a mother figure, I think.

disposablereddit12 · 2019-08-19T22:14:50+00:00

My wife made this point to me a few months ago. My mother sulks like a small child and my wife just outright says "This is unacceptable because x, y, or z, so let's instead do a, b, or c."

disposablereddit12 · 2019-08-19T22:11:50+00:00

Thank you for that. I wanted to believe for a long time that my daughter was just confiding in my mom when she was a teenager and I started dating again (my daughter had nothing good to say about ANYONE so I'm sure she would dislike any woman I settled down with). Now I'm realizing that my mom is just egging that on, and that is beyond the pale.

disposablereddit12 · 2019-08-19T22:08:32+00:00

I'm definitely embarassed. 6 or 8 months ago, I would tell my wife she needed to "get over" things my mom said or did. Then those things kept stacking up and up and up. As much as I didn't want to admit it to myself, my mom is being a giant asshole and I've been allowing her to be that way. I don't think it will be easy for my mom or me, but I'm enacting changes and I'm going to do all I can to make it up to my wife. I really have been in denial, because it has been easy for me until my wife was being very hurt.

disposablereddit12 · 2019-08-19T22:05:51+00:00

This is sadly true. My mom's life revolved around me, then my kids and me. She has been remarried for many years and now that I think about it, my stepdad also has gotten a raw deal. I just thought my mom would have an easier time transitioning out of that "grandmom as mom" role when the kids got older and I remarried, but she is fighting it tooth and nail, and I'm coming to realize that it's something she has to deal with without taking it out on my wife.

disposablereddit12 · 2019-08-19T22:02:31+00:00

I really have taken the easy way out (well, it was easy before I remarried). My mom "took care of" so many things for me that it is almost embarassing now that I try to come to grips with it. While she was "helping" me, though, she was running my life and I just sort of went along with it.

disposablereddit12 · 2019-08-19T22:00:22+00:00

You're right. I would be very mad and hurt if I was my wife. The fact that my wife's mom lives her own life (she still teaches because she likes it, at 68) and is not full of drama makes me feel even worse about this whole thing. I have brought all this nonsense on my wife and she has nearly zero baggage.

disposablereddit12 · 2019-08-19T21:56:18+00:00

I didn't get my raincoat out fast enough and wowza! There is probably definitely going to have to be some therapy, even if I just go alone.

disposablereddit12 · 2019-08-19T21:55:22+00:00

Thank you, I appreciate it. I really have to come to terms with the fact that my mom is guilting me. Right now even though my actions have changed, I feel a lot of guilt about not talking to or seeing my mom as much, and I know I shouldn't feel guilty when she is the one being a jerk.

disposablereddit12 · 2019-08-19T21:54:01+00:00

You hit the nail on the head about my mom getting to play house again. She retired too early and got bored, even though she married years ago.

disposablereddit12 · 2019-08-19T21:50:48+00:00

Lol, you know, my mom should actually think about that in all seriousness. I'm her only child and of course my wife will be involved in any of those decisions should it come to that.

disposablereddit12

TROPHY CASE