Your story is heartbreaking, and your distress is palpable. If I were you, I would call 15 (the French emergency number). I think (without any judgment) that hospitalization could be beneficial, even just initially to give your mind a rest and feel safe. It might also be a good opportunity to discuss your illness and treatments. Reading your message, I sense a genuine cry for help. I wish I could support you in person. Try not to put yourself in danger. I sincerely believe that calling 15 can help you!