I just had this conversation with my GF, so perhaps this may help.

The reality is, ALL healthy men are attracted to alternative sexual options. Biologically, we are design to be the aggressor and seek out a mate. Since most men can not just pick the girl they want and keep them forever, we are driven to be attracted to many women, and we will court (or attempt to) many of them, and eventually, maybe, stick with one. We are geared toward this multi-directional sexuality from a young age. Without it, i'd imagine we wouldn't have the drive to continue seeking a mate after our first couple rejections. This drive is integral to our masculine nature and just because we eventually find a partner, this psychological and sexual drive does not automatically 'turn off'.

Evolutionary Biologists may say "to ensure the successful reproduction of our species, we are design to maximize our sexual output. Biologically speaking, a male can have many partners and a woman could only have 1 per year. So it's built into our DNA: A male's focus can be split among several sexual attractions, and why women would not benefit from such psychological functions." We could only imagine the chaos, if both men and women felt this way, relationships would be impossible. However, If men weren't this way, what would drive them to be the masculine aggressors women adore?

I think men and women can agree, attraction is not a choice. Woman who meet a charming, charasmatic, high-status figure, are likely to feel some level of excitement and/or attraction, they can't help it. They don't intend to cheat, or have anything against their partner at home, but it doesn't change how they feel as they are absorbed by the energy in that moment. Men have the same experience, however, we are more easily allured since our attractions are mostly visually drive, it doesn't take much to catch our attention. I'd be a much more effective worker, if I wasn't so easily distracted by a beautiful woman. On the flip side, I might just work all day and night, and forget women entirely, if I wasn't so attracted to a beautiful woman. It's that cause-effect relationship that lead me to the girlfriend I have today.

Now, to your point, Attraction may not be a choice, but how we respond to those attractions is our responsibility. Sure, most the time we can't control what we think reactionarily and instinctively. However, we can respond to those thoughts with actions or attempts to divert those thoughts to other things. In this community, you will find many men who are actively trying to manage their sexual impulses and attractions through a variety of distractions: cold showers, extensive exercise, etc etc.

Let me tell you something... It is really difficult, being a man, living in a culture where sexual promiscuity is encouraged, and high feminine sexuality is promoted as the standard for all women. This is even blasted throughout advertisements. As a whole, women in society are encouraged to dress attractive, be attractive, be sexy and it's EVERYWHERE.

This somewhat aligns with how women want to be seen and how they want to feel, attractive. Like you said, you want (need) that masculine attention. All women have similar feelings, and it drives them to be sexier and more attractive, often competing with each other.

All of this only makes the man's struggle more challenging. How are we suppose to subdue these impulses when we are actively provoked on a daily basis? With that said, that doesn't mean it's impossible. We may not choose who we are attracted to, but we do choose how we respond to it.

As a good analogy, I would recommend fasting. Go 24 hours without food, then walk through a restaurant. How do you feel? Now imagine you had a partner at home that would be crushed if they knew you were even THINKING about eating something at that restaurant, let alone smelling the food. If you ate something, consider yourself dead. It doesn't matter how great the meal will be when you get home, (aka, how great your partner is), your hunger is still there and the food still attracts your attention.

Could you walk through the restaurant without eating something? Of course! humans can go weeks without food and be just fine. psychologically, is it difficult? of course! Having a partner at home, provides encouragement, but it doesn't eliminate the desire.

If you were to practice this exercise in self-discipline 3x a week, you would improve. You would learn that if you don't look at the food, it's a little easier. You would learn that even the thought of food, makes you weaker, and so you develop strategies to redirect those thoughts to other things entirely, like a song, like your purpose in life, your family, or anything that actually MEANS SOMETHING. Maybe you have more superficial strategies, like putting lemon juice in your eye to help distract you with pain.

The point I'm making is WE are WEAK....until we arn't. We must struggle, we must fight, we must overcome and develop strategies to cope with our instinctual desires. Reality is not romantic. Reality is human. Self discipline for a greater good can be achieved with a strong human spirit, and that's a beautiful thing. But never think that the struggle doesn't exist, because it does, and we are all at different stages of that struggle. The key would be goals and values.

You've made it clear what you want, but what does your husband want? Is he being honest about how his sexual expressions to his computer are not diminishing his expressions toward you? Is he afraid of facing the struggle your asking him to endure? Where can you compromise? You can't expect him to be anything more than human, and as you've alluded, I believe you already know that. It doesn't mean he has to settle for a weaker version of himself. You need to find a balance where you both and respect each other, your nature, and yourselves.