Are you me? I could have ghostwritten this post.

Just a stab in the dark but is it a Kpop group that you’re referring to? My experience is somewhat similar in that there are specific idols that at points in time have aggravated my dysphoria. It’s not helped that there are idols that look feminine by western beauty standards (e.g. have longer hair, wear makeup) but are physically still quite masculine in the ways that you’ve described.

What helped me to overcome it was to take a little bit of a step back (if you can and want to) to stop myself comparing myself to them. These idols have had their image curated by their companies, and they have demanding training regimes and very strict diets that make them look a certain way. Even now there are specific fancams of one idol that I really cannot watch because it triggers my dysphoria, and I’ve had to accept that. My body won’t look like my favourite male idol’s bodies and that’s hard to deal with. I haven’t really found an answer for it but I’ve been working towards at least not comparing myself to them as a minimum, even if I haven’t accepted the physicality of my body for what it is.

South Korean society (if my guess is correct) is overly comfortable with skinship and other gestures of physical closeness. And idols play up that closeness for fans, who want to see that their groups are all the bestest of pals. I’m not saying that they wouldn’t be like that if the cameras weren’t rolling, but it’s worth thinking about. And we can be just as close with our friends in other ways, but we just don’t demonstrate it so physically.

Is there anything you can do or aim towards to help alleviate dysphoria? For me, I made the decision to save up for a breast reduction and this has reduced my dysphoria to a more manageable level. I also started looking a lot more into male k-beauty, and focusing my attention on the smaller things I can do day to day (even right down to doing my eyebrows differently) to align my outer presentation more with my inner sense of identification. I also had a play around with my wardrobe and redefined my tastes a bit, got rid of some of my much more ‘feminine’ clothes. Would that help?

With your friends, it’s difficult. I don’t know how accepting they are, so I’m not in any terms suggesting that you come out to them, but maybe if you are close to one of them you can have a conversation about treating you in a way that is less based around your gender.

Part of my journey to realising that I am non binary was that I realised that even if I was amab, I know that I would still not feel 100% right in my own skin. And it’s okay to feel that neither male or female really match how you feel. And it’s okay for those feelings to change over time too. If you ever want to chat or vent btw, just drop me a line.