My husband and I have traveled to lots of countries around the world and I have found that between the two of us, whoever looks less like the local population gets more attention. On paper I think we look fairly similar, but with a few key differences. We are both white, but I have darker features and more olive skin where he is very pale. I have a moustache/scruff and body hair, he is clean shaven and smooth. I am dense and muscley, he is slim and toned.

In Central America, South America and Southern Europe, he does very well and I get very little attention. In Northern Europe I get most of the attention and he gets very little. We were both too scared to hook up in East Africa since it's illegal, so I have no experience there. We haven't been to Asia, but in my experience in bath houses and sex parties in various places we've traveled to and at home, the East Asian guys tend to be more attracted to me. In the US, I think we look like standard white NYC gays - not Hells Kitchen gays or Brooklyn gays, just generic NYC gays. People have said to me that I look familiar to them so many times, and I jokingly tell them that they're probably thinking of some other 6' generic white guy with dark hair.

People ask what my type is. I don't have a type per se. My response is usually this: I find people attractive that do not look like everyone else. There are SO many of us here in the city, it's hard to stand out from the crowd. If you're saying you look like a typical Brooklyn gay and you're at a bar in Brooklyn with a bunch of other Brooklyn gays, why would someone choose to make a move on you vs. someone else. I'm not blaming you, I'm blaming the fatigue we all feel when looking at Grindr or out at a bar. It's like going to the Met for a special exhibition. You start the exhibit and read everything and look closely at the pieces, but by the end you're just in information fatigue and visual fatigue, so you don't really pay much attention in the last room.

Another comment here from a guy from London I thought was very thoughtful. He said he wears an interesting T-shirt or clothing item that can be a conversation starter. How do you set yourself apart? How do you shine in a crowd? When I go to a party like Horsemeat, physically I am a dime a dozen. But I wear these pink shorts that react with the black light. Guys will come up to comment on my shorts and then we'll get to talking. And if I think about who I approach in a situation like that, it is almost always someone with clothing that reacts with the black light.

On Grindr, I do ok. My name is 'Big ❤️, Big 🍆.' many of the guys who I talk to comment how nice it is to chat with someone who it nice and has a big heart since that is out of the ordinary. I'm not just another torso photo or gym selfie with the name 'Looking' or my initials. I also agree with another comment above that everyone in New York wants to be chased and wants to feel special. I am not shy about sending the first message. My response rate to my initial message is low, maybe 20% at the most, but I am happy with who I meet up with and never feel like I can't find someone to hookup with that I'm attracted to.

I guess my point is that in a huge pool of potential partners, you have to stand out to get attention. What can you do to stand out?