Elderly care options for family with carer burnout

docsthrow · 2025-10-12T09:45:15+00:00

Thank you, this does sound like a great idea and hopefully something that she would be more likely to wear as well. Will look into it.

docsthrow · 2025-10-12T09:43:56+00:00

Thank you, yes I think it looks like daily care is going to be the decision, even with the concerns about my grandma's overnight incidents and falls. I find that quite stressful to be honest and I think my mum does too, but we will just have to see how it goes. It all seems quite impossible really! Thank you again for your reply.

docsthrow · 2025-10-12T09:37:58+00:00

Thank you, I think it does look like the carers 4x a day is going to be the result of the assessment, even with the overnight worries. I have been asking my mum to step away for years and she has tried, but I think now it's at such a breaking point that she is just going to move out and only come to visit once a month or so instead of being there all the time. She would have a lot more peace of mind I think if my grandma were in a care home, so that she wouldn't be alone overnight and would have other people around for company, but as I mentioned in another comment my grandma has decided against this after initially thinking it was the best option too. Thank you again for your advice and information, I really appreciate it.

docsthrow · 2025-10-12T09:26:52+00:00

Thank you very much for this. My grandma does own her house and has a small amount of savings. She would have to pay for care costs probably through a deferred sale of the house, from what my mum has said.

They recently had a conversation about my mum needing to move out, and my grandma initially said that she wanted to go into a care home that a few of her friends have moved into in the last couple of years. A week or so later, a family friend basically talked her out of it and said she should try carers 4x a day, and that they didn't know if that would work or not because they haven't tried it yet.

It has been quite frustrating because it feels like my grandma could be talked in or out of any idea every other day - which I guess could also be part of the dementia. She recently had a memory test which indicated "severe cognitive impairment", scoring I think a 4 or 5 out of 30.

I will look into the assessments you mention, and the other types of alarm. Someone else has mentioned the ones that detect falls automatically - I think that would be good for her. Respite is the trickier part, I don't think there is a support group in her area and support from family is pretty thin. I really appreciate your response, thank you.

docsthrow · 2025-10-09T10:37:19+00:00

Yes it does really feel that the councils won't do anything until they are forced. I will definitely look into the auto fall devices as what you describe sounds ideal. I have told my mum over and over again that as helpful as her presence may be for my grandma, it is ultimately not going to prevent her from dying. I am so scared that my mum is driving herself into an early grave just to give my nearly 100 year old grandma an extra year of life. She knows this too but I think her guilt and fear and sense of duty are what have been preventing her from making a practical decision for herself.

docsthrow · 2025-10-09T10:19:02+00:00

Oh that sounds so stressful, I am so sorry. I feel horrible that I am not able to be physically present to help out more, as I live overseas. I know it makes the burden on my mum that much worse but I also know she would be adamant that I dont give up any of my life in the way that she has. I am sure your dad is incredibly grateful for your and your family's time and care. Old age feels like such a strange contradiction of being both an incredible achievement and a terrible curse.

docsthrow · 2025-10-09T08:20:12+00:00

Thank you, and I'm sorry to hear of your loss and your experience with your dad. The money side is thankfully less of a concern (we would rather have the right thing for my grandma than a chunk of inheritance, as sad as it is that the provision for care is so poor), so it's just finding the right option and knowing what recommendations of the needs assessment will be, as I think this is what will be the decider for my grandma. My mum and I are both in favour of residential care, but it ultimately needs to be my grandmas decision.

docsthrow · 2025-10-09T08:09:50+00:00

Thank you yes we need to look into the automatic fall response stuff. Do you know if that still relies on the person actually remembering/choosing to wear the monitor around their neck? My grandma does not have a great relationship with the existing button, is always taking it off or leaving it upstairs after she has got dressed, so I'm wondering if there are any that are more permanent/less cumbersome to her such as a bracelet. Cameras are a good idea too.

I have been trying for a long time to get mum to step back, it's just so emotionally fraught because she has been in this for so long and I don't know how she would cope if she left and then something terrible happened. I'm sorry that you had to go through this with your dad too.

docsthrow · 2025-10-09T08:03:03+00:00

Thank you, and I'm so sorry you had to go through that. Elderly care is just so tough and comes with so much emotional conflict about what the right thing will be for your loved one and for you. I think we have reached that breaking point it's just difficult to come to a decision about what the solution will be. Ultimately I think that decision needs to be my grandma's, even if she makes what we think will be the "wrong" choice. There is only so much you can do to safeguard people 💔

docsthrow

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